Always fun times

I love my endocrinologist, I really do. BUT, my right thyroid gland felt bulky again at my annual check up. Damn. This means I get to schedule a sonogram again. Happened two years ago, so I don't know if it's the same nodule or a new one or what. Could be cancer (she says casually). There's only 6 known cases in my family including my mother and her mother who had thyroid cancer...my grandmother - the one whose health issues I seem to be mimicking so far - got it when she was in her early thirties. Turning 32 in a couple of weeks! Yay! Whatever. I'm not as freaked out as I was last time - maybe because that time prompet my endo to send my test/scan results to a thyroid cancer specialist she knows at The Good Medical Center, including getting 9 pages of my mom's thyroid/cancer records released to my endo who sent them along to this specialist as well to make sure that mom's cancer wasn't they type that they now have a genetic marker or some such thing for. Going that extra mile? Yeah, this will be OK. Just kinda sucky in that whole "there's ALWAYS something else." I can't tell you the last time I went to the doctor and walked out with nothing but a handshake and "See you in a year." Oh well.

On Facebook

A select few of you who know of this blog are also facebook friends. The funny thing is I haven't met most of you, either, being that you were a friend back in the day on those infamous WW boards. Those days when I'd sit in my cubicle bored out of my skull wanting to gnaw my arm off for lact of anything better to do so I'd post there instead. Anyway...

For those few that know (because you got an invite) and those that don't, I started my little photography business. Seems really official now as I not only have an online portfolio, a hard version of my portfolio, business cards, marketing postcards that I distributed this fall, but also a facebook page. I also have a friend who is a former marketing director trying to convince me I need to start tweeting, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Eek.

So, the facebook page. I sent an invite to everyone on my friends list to become a fan of my photography business, and I am SO TICKLED that two people in particular signed on in a matter of minutes after my email went out. Now my husband still isn't a fan, but that's probably in part because (a) he rarely facebooks and (b) he's jealous that I'm starting the business he wanted to start 3 years ago when he spent money we didn't have on a $900 digital camera so he could start his business. I encouraged him to work on a portfolio, scan in old negatives/slides, go out shooting, but he never did. Oh well. His loss.

Now these two people are both guys, and pretty much two of the only people I've reconnected with on facebook that made me bite my nails after I sent them a friend request, waiting to see if they would accept. Because they meant a LOT to me during some formidable years (college) and I have self-esteem issues and I worried that I didn't mean as much to them as they did to me. Well, they did friend me, and we've conversed a few times, and it's AWESOME. It's like closure that these relationships (one just friends, one dating) happened to the degree that I imagined and I haven't been forgotten. And then these two guys are two of the first to become fans of my business page? It's just made me so thrilled to know they care. Sucks that neither are in the area (Boston and NYC) or I'd be shooting one's wife and kid (with one on the way) and the other with his band. Oh well. They can always take a road trip! I do live mere miles from some of the biggest tourist attractions in the country.

Drama

I wish there wasn't so much drama in my life, but there is, and I don't always know how to deal or what the right reaction is. Seems like I get worked up about the little things but try to gloss over the big things. Like the fact that there's a golf ball sized cyst on my right ovary. We went in there at my annual exam to check on my fibroid (which hasn't grown in a year so we're going to ignore it for now) and BAM! Had to find something else. There's a variety of reasons for having a cyst in there, and my doctor isn't too worried (it wasn't super dense, just fluid filled, so no biopsy for now). But given my propensity not to ovulate and the fact that this one is larger than your average about-to-have-a-period cysts that happen all the time...I'm a little worried. I do feel pain there, but on a scale of 1 to 10 we're talking a 1, if that. It's more like a slight cramp that comes and goes. I've been chalking it up to my wacky reproductive system as a whole. So...I have to keep a journal of when I feel pain on that side (4 out of the past 6 days) and see if I get my period on my own. It's been 42 days. I've been taking progesterone on days 22-27 to induce a period, but skipped this month since I was going in for my check-up. We'll keep an eye on the pain befure, during, and after a period. So, yeah. I'm trying not to think about this one till the new year when we have some data behind us.

In good news, we have more ammo for the PCOS diagnosis - clear as day in black and white: I do not make near enough progesterone during the luteal phase of my "cycle." Not surprising, but nice to have it in writing now. Also, I do not produce enough seratonin. SERATONIN, people! The chemical that effects MOOD? No wonder I've been in such a plateau of depression! Plus a number of other vitamins/minerals/hormones that I'm off on all effect fatigue and anxiety. None are hugely off like the seratonin, but in concert together it adds up to one fucked up little body of mine. So we're playing with vitamins/supplements to boost seratonin production and other neuro-conectors and things should be running more smoothly soon. I hope.

I also hope that since I'm an emotional eater, and my emotions will soon be on the upswing, I'll be able to to get a better grip on that emotional eating. I was up 15lbs from the last time I stepped on the scale a few months ago, which is troubling, and confusing. Confusing because I don't know where that weight is - I've been wearing the same jeans for ages now. It's not like I wear sweats around the house. Wondering if I have a hollow leg or something. Anyway, I'm cautiously optomistic and plan on kicking the eating plan into high gear after the holidays. Sure, sure, the rest of your life starts now and all that shit. I'm trying out some new recipes, have cookies to bake, and a huge family dinner to look forward to on Christmas :)

Long time no blog

Busy doesn't even begin to describe life these days.

One aspect of the insanity is that I've officially started my own photography business. I am a no-nonsense portrait and event photography that is AFFORDABLE (this is DC and I hope to someday be able to charge DC rates if you get what I mean) as I build my portfolio. I've done two family holiday picture session that went over like gangbusters and am booked for a friend of a friend's wedding in May. Casual outdoor affair with 100 people - just my style. So far I have two happy clients and word is getting around.

Let's rewind a little bit...2 years ago, TWO YEARS AGO, my sweet darling husband bought a $900 digital camera with money we didn't have. His intent was to start doing event photography on the side. Fine, I said. I'll stop being pissed when you make $900 with it. I encouraged him to put together a portfolio. To scan in some of his photos from back in the day and use them. At a friend's wedding a year after that purchase, he asked if it would be OK to take some pictures. He shot maybe 30 pics. A few months later I took "his camera" as he STILL calls it to California with me for my friend's wedding. I shot over 300 pics in two days and love love loved it. I've been shooting more and more ever since.

That's what got me to finally officially "open for business." Too many friends are using photos I took - at the park, at nursery school, at playgroup - as grandparent gifts or in their holiday cards. My close friends have been urging me to take this hobby to the next level. So I made business cards, sent out postcards to everyone on our Christmas card list, put together a portfolio and started marketing myself. If I get no jobs between now and that wedding in May, I'll have at least earned back the money Jim spent on the damn camera.

So I told him tonight, about how I just booked Kate's wedding in May. AND THE FUCKER HAS THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME I SHOULD CONSIDER BRINGING HIM ALONG AS A SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER, THAT 100 PEOPLE IS TOO BIG FOR ME TO SHOOT ALONE. I'm so pissed. So pissed it has driven me to blog for the first time in months. Grr...

Sometimes I truly ache for another child. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately, the thought of taking a child out of a confusing, hopeless, depressing situation (read: orphanage in an underdeveloped country) and giving that little one love, trust, a family, an education, and the chance to become someone instead of being one of the forgotten and overlooked. I hate that it's so paper-work focused and red-tape oriented to adopt a child, especially internationally. Stories of people waiting years before things come together - through multiple times when finger prints or reports had to be re-done becuase they had expired yet again during all the waiting. I'm frustrated that two dumb as rocks idiots hooking up in the back of a car can make a baby, yet it takes wonderful caring people such anguish to adopt.

As Christians, we're called to take care of the widows and orphans. A family at our church were struck upside the head with that when they went abroad to help at a Romanian orphanage's summer camp for the children. A few months later, Jack was home with them. Born with arms that end of at the elbows, he was abandoned by his mother and had spent the first 4 years of his life in that orphanage, probably to spend many more there if it wasn't for this family. He's the sweetest kid, picking up english so quickly, and with a face that's full of joy and love. I want to be able to give that to a kid who wouldn't get it.

However, I can't even get a husband to say "yes, let's try for #2" - instead I go on the fact that he seems to have forgotten I'm not on the pill. Haven't been for a year now. Conceiving Natalie was a miracle, if it's meant to happen again, it will. I don't see us ever adopting; besides getting Jim to agree to something that intensive (commitment is NOT a forte of his), I don't know where we'd get the thousands of dollars in fees to pay for it. We can't even afford to fix our bathroom with it's slowly failing plumbing, rotting vanity and cracked sink, let alone adopt a baby. I guess I need to keep praying for peace, for God's will to be done. For a baby to come into our lives, or not. For me to be accepting of that and not have those twangs of longing every time I see an infant. If we're only meant to have one kid, we got a pretty damn good one.

What does it take?

To rid ones self of sugar, carbs, bad eating habits, etc.? I keep thinking in another world my house would be devoid of food, I wouldn't have to run errands around places that sell goodies, I'd be able to do the things that make me happy (painting, sewing) all day and therefore not have thoughts of chocolate running amongst my grey matter 24/7, and there'd be a gourmet vegeterian chef to cook me three meals a day plus snacks of delishious tasty food that is not salad 9 times out 10.

But how is a real person supposed to do it? When I'm stressed and overworked and tired and achy and PMSy and just want some chocolate fucking ice cream? When I'm too tired to actually make something for dinner and would rather just have a bowl of cereal? When I get a flat tire and just want to pull my car into the nearest deli because I deserve a big chicken salad sandwich on an everything bagel for having to deal with all that in the august heat and humidity? What is that person supposed to do?

Fat

Ugh, I wish I could post the picture from a bbq this past weekend that a friend took. HORRID. I'm a giant fat turd. That being said, I may finally be convinced I need to start wearing a smidge of makeup when going out, you know, to hide the giant bags under my eyes and at least give my face some features to stand out amongst all that FAT. Ew. What's hard is that I don't feel as huge as I look in pictures. Does the camera add 20lbs? Or 50?

The good news is I think this is the catalyst I need to go back to no-sugar. I did awesome this spring for 6-8 weeks, It started out easy and got harder but I stuck to it. Frustrating as everyone says cutting sugar is hard at first but then gets easier. Hm. Anyway, I was feeling all proud of myself and stepped on the scale and BAM, up two pounds. Depressed, I went home and ate my feelings for a week before seeing my doctor and on her scale, I had lost a pound from the week before. What the fuckity fuck is up with that. But, I know in the long run, sugar is my downfall. I also need to get back to OA meetings, although I'm much more aware of my eating compulsions and am better at cutting those out. Still. I hate the struggle, I hate looking in the mirror and thinking "ok, I'm looking not too terrible" and then to see pictures that make me look just the opposite. Which is why I don't let people take pictures of me for a reason. Probably why I like being on the other side of the camera.