bummer!

There's a nurse-in on the hill tomorrow and I'm totally bummed that I'm no longer nursing. Part of me is itching to go just to photograph it, but alas, I'll be spending time with a friend who's in town. From the middle east (state dept wife). Fair enough excuse, but I'd totally ditch her and go to the nurse-in if it was June 2006 or 2007 instead of 2009...

"Nurse-In" On Capitol Hill Rep. Carolyn Maloney, Senator Jeff Merkley to host 'Right to Breastfeed' event10am Thursday, June 11, House Triangle

WASHINGTON - Representatives Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) and Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR) will host a news conference Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 10:00 a.m. to reintroduce the "Breastfeeding Promotion Act," which would protect the rights of breastfeeding mothers who return to the workplace after childbirth, and the health and well-being of their children.
The Breastfeeding Promotion Act:

• Protects breastfeeding moms from discrimination under the Civil Rights Act of 1964


• Provides tax incentives for employers that establish private lactation areas in the workplace Establishes minimum safety standards for breast pumps


• Allows breastfeeding equipment to be tax deductible for families


• Affords working breastfeeding moms with the time and privacy they need to express milk

Currently, 38 states and Puerto Rico have laws on their books protecting the rights of women to breastfeed. The Breastfeeding Promotion Act would move beyond the patchwork of state laws and establish a national protection for breastfeeding mothers.

WHAT: Press conference to introduce the Breastfeeding Promotion Act

WHO: Sponsors, cosponsors, supporting groups & dozens of nursing mothers Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney (D-NY), House Sponsor of BPA
Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR), Senate Sponsor of BPA
Rep. Lois Capps (D-CA), RN and co-sponsor
Dr. Joan Meek, M.D. Chair, U.S. Breastfeeding Committee
Marion McCartney, Certified Nurse Midwife, American College of Nurse Midwives

WHEN: Thursday, June 11, 2009, 10:00 a.m. - 11:00 a.m.

WHERE: House Triangle, East Front Lawn of U.S. Capitol (toward House side)
Map: http://maloney.house.gov/documents/women/breastfeeding/triangle09.JPG Nearest Metro: Capitol South, Blue/Orange Lines
RAIN ROOM: 2103 Rayburn House Office Building

Bittersweet

We had a combination birthday/farewell dinner last night for our friend Lisa. She's moving back to Cleveland, where she grew up and has family. She's had a rough time recently - nothing like becoming a widow after 10 months of marriage to really put you in a serious funk. But she's come so far, and as a group of friends, we've come so far, too. There's something about a horrible, tragic, untimely death within a group to pull people together - I was one of the three who organized the food and cooking for 150 people after Joel's memorial service on 2 days notice. Lisa and Joel had just purchased their first home about 45 min away not a month earlier, and a gang of us went out there to paint, hang curtains, etc. to get it put back on the market so Lisa could sell it and move back to DC, closer to her friends, closer to a life she knew. We're the ones who packed up the u-haul and unpacked it in her new apartment. Who pitched in money for pizza to feed everyone who helped on those work days. Something about seeing your friends come together like that makes you realize that these really are the awesomest people, and you know that they would do the exact same thing if it was you who was in a pickle. We really are a family, an "urban tribe" as we joke.

So getting together last night was hard. We're going to miss Lisa terribly, but wish her well. So well. She's got an opportunity to start fresh, where she doesn't have that label hanging over her head, even as faded as it is here after 5 years since Joel's death. Seeing friends last night, a few of whom have gotten married, moved further out in the burbs (or the middle east in the case of our state department friend who was fortunately in town for the first time in 3 years), was so good. Even though we're more spread out and our lives don't interconnect as much these days, these people are still my FRIENDS. There's so much love and understanding among us, it's mind boggling. There's something to be said, too, for the hugs from friends who KNOW, who understand what you are going through, who genuinely care. And putting a dozen such people around the table together to eat tex-mex and raise a margarita glass with you leaves such a warm and fuzzy imprint on one's heart that I'm still glowing from it today.

Three options

Door #1 - Go back on birth control.
Pros: Regular periods!
Cons: It's only a matter of time before we want to conceive again and I have to go off, not to mention my tolerance for any one prescription that seems to be almost exactly two years for the side effects to overtake the pleasure of hormones that work like a fine swiss watch. Feels like surrendering to fate, waving the white flag and saying "fine."

Door #2 - Clomid!
Pros: We'd probably get another baby real soon!
Cons: I've heard two of the biggest side effects are anxiety and irritability, two things I have too much of to start. And there's the whole convincing the husband to be decisive about the when and how we want to have another child. Feels like a big step. A HUGE step.

Door #3 - Provera! Plus ovulation tests and basel body temperature tracking.
Pros: Ability to control my period by inducing one whenever the fuck I want it. Also don't have to commit to a kid at this moment. Maybe a 2nd conception will just happen spontaneously. Like it did with Natalie.
Cons: Cramps, and that constant unknowning of will or or will I not get my period on my own? Am I even ovulating? Why does the PMS kick in on time by the rest of me doesn't work? Not to mention ovulation testing kits are expensive, and the last time I charted my temp Jim got pissed off hearing the beep of my thermometer every morning. And then he got pissed when I switched to a traditional thermometer and had to crack the curtain open to get enough light to read it.

So. I'm back where I started. But I had a good chat with my doctor (sometimes I think we'd be good friends if we just met randomly at the park with our kids), she made lots and lots of notes in my chart, and we're just going to let things be for a while now. It did feel good hearing from a medical professional that yes, what I'm dealing with sucks. Validation isn't so terrible in the end.

Good end

My faith is pretty strong, I believe God does things for a reason, that this grand universe isn't just some coincidental arrangement of matter. However, there are times, when I feel like there is a such a thing as karma, and it is on my side. Take tonight, for instance. I had a hell of a day - my babysitter crapped out on me for the 2nd or third time - no show, no call. I had piles of work to do and an over tired toddler on my hands who wouldn't rest, let a long take a nap. I ended up getting nothing done except spend a relatively calm hour playing dominos with Natalie. By the time Jim came home, I need to get OUT or I was going to have to pop another lorazapam which I already did once this week and like to try and avoid if at all possible. I had some proofs that needed to get fedexed, so I threw them in the car, hit the fedex office by way of target so I could get some packing tape b/c I always seem to lose the one roll we have in the house. Made it there just as the truck was getting loaded up for the night. Sweet! Figured I'd call Jim, see if they went for a walk or something, considered stopping somewhere to wander before going right home. Jim didn't answer which meant to me that I shouldn't go home yet.

As I was waiting at a light, poking around inside his car which I normally don't drive, I found a $25 Barnes and Noble gift card. It had a "I voted" sticker on it, so I know it was at least from November. And look! There's a Barnes a Nobles two blocks off the road I'm taking home! I pop in, check to see how much is left on the card and guess what? It's still worth $25!! 20minutes of trolling the shelves and I had two paperbacks to purchase. Perfect pool reading (as I have this thing about not taking library books places like the pool or beach where they could get ruined) for the summer!

And it gets better! I get home, find Natalie in her pajamas with a book picked out to read, and also find out that she peed all over the couch (never happened before) and JIM HAD TO CLEAN IT UP. How many times in the past 3 years have I changed bedding that has been peed on? Too many to count. How many times has he done that? ZERO. I felt so...justified. It was the final little push of hope that the universe hasn't forgotten me that I needed. A little breather out by myself, to come home and find a mess that I DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH. Ahhhh....almost as good as a big glass of wine to relax one's soul.

Day Who the Fuck Cares

I've got a call into my doctor.

I've gone down hill ever since the PMS hit 2+ weeks ago. It sucks. I felt so *good* for a while there, starting in early april, getting my period in 29days, being tired and exhausted but actually being able to say I feel *good* was fantastic. My diet was easy for the first time in forever, I don't know why, it just was. I stuck to my food plan with minimal if any strayings, and it was OK. Things were not calling my name from the fridge for the first time in forever. Then pms hit. Fine. I took it as a sign that my period was just around the corner. Nothing. Nothing for a week and a half. then 5 days of progesterone, 5mg in the morning and 5mg again at night. Hopped up on hormones is real fun, especially when you throw in a marriage counseling session on day five. I was cranky, irritable, just wanted my period to come because I knew I'd feel better. Well, it came. Of course when I was visiting my parent's in their little small town on the bay with 350 year round residents. Had to drive to the next town over, the one with the stop sign and a genral store/gas station/post office to buy their one box of tampons. Heaviest period in ages for me. Not since I had that clot in my uterus 10months post partum. Had to have mom rescue me at the beach with additional supplies before I left a red ass print on my beach chair.

Aside from the bloating being a bit better, I still have my period, and I feel even shittier than I did a week ago, and that's with a long weekend away inbetween where I had no responsibities except breathing, napping, and catching up on some reading. So a call into my gynos office. We'll see what she has to say. We'll see if I can make it through the appointment without bursting into tears.

Big Girl

I realize I've gotten out of the habit of posting about Natalie, instead choosing to focus all about ME! ME ME ME!!! OK, she's three, the monthly milestones aren't as dramatic as they were 2+ years ago. Plus, PCOS, eating sugar free, and all that crap have kind of invaded my thoughts constantly and in order to clear my head I find I need to write it down here. Which is good. I'm on day 38 of my cycle, I've been PMS-y since about day 26, I just finished my progesterone yesterday so hopefully in a few days I'll finally get my period. Just in time to be at the bay (beach = bathing suit = sucks) memorial day weekend. Great.

Anyway, here's a pic of the little lady, who shows signs of being fiercely independent like her mother. She dressed herself, and yes, that is a cardigan UNDER her shirt. She's also listening to a little "Single Ladies" on my ipod, which she then sang to herself the rest of the morning. Nice.

Blessings

I think it's easy, especially here in Washington, DC, to get wrapped up in money, and making enough to support a certain level of lifestyle, etc. We've always been on the bottom of the middle class, I have to work or we couldn't afford this house, and would be living, crammed into a small two bedroom apt, and probably barely have survived Jim's most recent layoff this past fall. Not that people don't live that way, and even if that is how we were living, we'd be thankful for the roof over our heads and all that. But we like the luxury of little things, like a yard, a neighborhood to play in, a basement to store our crap in, a shed to keep our bikes in (instead of hanging them from the ceiling in our apartment living room), the ability to paint our walls colors that we find soothing, to put nails in the wall anywhere we please, to turn on our own heat and A/C instead of waiting for the building mgmt to do it. So we work, and I work, and we don't really go on vacations in the grand sense of the word, but overalll, it's labor and sacrifices I'm wiling to make and do to keep our status quo.

But...sometimes our spending starts edging into the middle-middle class, and we had a lot of it this spring. Jim spent way too much on me for our 5th anniversary (still have that spa gift certificate I need to use...), he got a job requiring him to wear suits and ties more often than ever, so off to shopping he went - to Marshall's, and TJ Maxx, and the Macy's and JC Penny sale racks. Got an incredible amount of quality clothes (2 suits - one was Ralph Lauren at Marshalls!, 5-6 dress shirts, 2-3 new ties, and a couple pairs of new trousers) for a few hundred. Then taxes screwed us (my W-4's weren't as well calculated as I thought to compensate for the freelance work I do that is untaxed), and here we are, 3 months into his new job, still feeling like we're living paycheck to paycheck.

Just this morning, I emailed Jim with his friendly monday morning weekly family schedule (because he can't be bothered to look at the big calendar in the kitchen), and mentioned that we should pray for provision for our bills, and self-control to really only spend money on things we need in the moment, as anything else can wait. I'm a firm believer in God providing for His people, especially when we have the faith to trust that he will take care of us. I saw my parents faithfulness growing up, through the lean years, how things always managed to work out. I wrote our monthly tithe check just yesterday at church, knowing full well that that because I wrote that check, I was now going to have to take money out of our savings account to cover the rest of the May bills. But tithing is important, and we should give to God what is his before we give to Ceasar what is Ceasars (there's a reference in the New Testament somewhere as to that passage, but don't ask me what it is).

And what do I find in my work email today, the account with my contractor that I don't check often (vs. the federal one I check constantly)? An email from my supervisor telling me that I've been approved to start charging an additional 5 hours/week to my contract, and am able to bill an additional 5 beyond that if needed without approval for overtime. So yay! This comes to, after taxes, roughly $100 a paycheck more, which is so needed since my paychecks shrunk a few months ago when I re-worked my w-4's so as not to get screwed again when we do our 2009 taxes.

Sure, this option has been on the table for a while, it was bound to get approved one of these days, but the timing couldn't be more obvious, at least to me, that God was saying "Thanks for thinking of me and putting your tithe before your bills. See? I've got your back. It'll all work out."

I'm so strung out with this job, that if they didn't approve the extra hours (it's wierd being salaried and hourly all at the same time...can't ask for a raise, but you can get more hours on your contract...), I was starting to formulate plans in my head as to how I could quit and we could still pay bills. Sure, my etsy shop is finally up and running (http://tinyapple.etsy.com), but there's no way that's going to be a source of income beyond fueling some non-essential purchases (like that 2nd tattoo I've been wanting for a while, or new back yard furniture that isn't the craptastic, starting to fall apart from over use plastic stuff we got at Home Depot when we first moved in). But for now, we're set, we'll cross the next bridge when we get to it. Lord knows we've had enough hurdles to get over before, so long as there's no layoff for Jim in the near future, I think we can handle just about anything.