13 January 2011

Baby Watch 2011

Oh my, bad blogger. I know. Baby #2 is emminent...as in if she's not here in 15 days she's being forceably evicted. I'm ripe and stretched and sooooo ready to get her out. Not so much because this pregnancy has sucked (it hasn't, although the last month or two have really been pushing my limit), but because I want to MEET her! I want to see that sweet face, to hold her, nurse her, play with all ten fingers and ten toes. I want to see if she has hair or is bald like her sister, to see who she looks like. I just want her out. In due time...

What's ironic is that we found out I was pregnant the day after my last post, the day before I went to say goodbye to my grandmother. Which meant we got to tell her she was going to be a greatgrandmother again, bringing so much joy at her last moments, that two weeks later when we were at the funeral, people kept coming up and congratulating us. I guess those who saw her on her few lucid days heard the news, and it spread like wildfire. Nothing to bring a tear of joy to your eye like the circle of life.

03 June 2010

Death Watch 2010

Hmmm...as soon as I typed this title, I realized I had used it before. Well, it's grandma's turn. She's been in and out of the hospital with congestive heart failure and then a diabetes caused infection on her foot, and then she was back in the nursing/rehab side of her senior residence when she decided to get up in the middle of the night and fell and conked her head. The nurses left her sans walker or wheelchair on purpose, because she wasn't strong enough to walk herself. So...back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a month and now that she's there and they are monitoring her, her heart seems to be giving out. It gets arhythmic, they come in and massage her chest, then it goes back to normal. She's also not always with it anymore.

So...we're off to visit this weekend, Natalie and I. To say goodbye, really. And I can't help but feel that once she sees her great-granddaughter, that'll be it. Natalie has been her only reason to live for the past two years since grandpa died anyway. Once grandma feels she's said goodbye, I'm sure she'll pass. There's no fear of what the afterlife holds for her (duh, we're Christians, this was one Godly woman, we know where she'll be), there's no pain about a life cut short. I hope if this is her time, it goes quickly and painlessly. I'm wondering at what point they'll release her from the hospital and send her "home" to be on hospice. I'm wondering if our 3-day trip is going to turn into a week or more with a funeral to plan for...no sense driving home only to come back 2 days later.

I'm just praying that when we get there, she's lucid at least long enough for us to visit, and I'm praying with all my might that Natalie doesn't do the shy 4-year-old thing but is her bubbly self, dancing and singing and telling stories. Funny, her birthday was tuesday (86) and we didn't get her card in the mail in time - Natalie had painted some pictures and they weren't dry before the post-office closed before the 3-day memorial day weekend. So grandma's card is sitting at the nursing/rehab desk waiting for her return, a return that might not happen.

12 March 2010

Bad blogger

It's been ages since I've posted here. I'm wondering if I should starting posting more again. It is cathartic, afterall, to get my thoughts and feelings out of my system and not dwell on things. Then again, when do I have time? It's been ages since I've just sat at the computer and did nothing. I'm either working my ass off at the paid job or working my ass off at my photography, refining my online presence/portfolios, working on pics from my latest job (which I've had a few of and more in the works this spring!). My five year plan means officially calling myself a photographer and ditching the salaried job that gives me headaches. My two year plan is to be making enough extra from my photography that we no longer need to rent out our basement apartment and can therefore turn that space into a family room and office/guest room. That also requires enough money in savings to buy a few more pieces of furniture to help with the spread-out. Maybe by then we'd even have another munchkin in the house so my office could turn into a nursery. Wishful thinking...the infertility is sucking a lot lately. I'm so over due for a period that even with taking provera I haven't managed to induce one yet. It's been 8 days or ramped up hormones and PMS waiting...waiting...and still nothing. I bet if I put on a pair of white pants and went out in public I'd get it in an instant. Perhaps that's not that crazy of an idea...I'm that desperate for something to start happening down there.

07 January 2010

Always fun times

I love my endocrinologist, I really do. BUT, my right thyroid gland felt bulky again at my annual check up. Damn. This means I get to schedule a sonogram again. Happened two years ago, so I don't know if it's the same nodule or a new one or what. Could be cancer (she says casually). There's only 6 known cases in my family including my mother and her mother who had thyroid cancer...my grandmother - the one whose health issues I seem to be mimicking so far - got it when she was in her early thirties. Turning 32 in a couple of weeks! Yay! Whatever. I'm not as freaked out as I was last time - maybe because that time prompet my endo to send my test/scan results to a thyroid cancer specialist she knows at The Good Medical Center, including getting 9 pages of my mom's thyroid/cancer records released to my endo who sent them along to this specialist as well to make sure that mom's cancer wasn't they type that they now have a genetic marker or some such thing for. Going that extra mile? Yeah, this will be OK. Just kinda sucky in that whole "there's ALWAYS something else." I can't tell you the last time I went to the doctor and walked out with nothing but a handshake and "See you in a year." Oh well.

05 January 2010

On Facebook

A select few of you who know of this blog are also facebook friends. The funny thing is I haven't met most of you, either, being that you were a friend back in the day on those infamous WW boards. Those days when I'd sit in my cubicle bored out of my skull wanting to gnaw my arm off for lact of anything better to do so I'd post there instead. Anyway...

For those few that know (because you got an invite) and those that don't, I started my little photography business. Seems really official now as I not only have an online portfolio, a hard version of my portfolio, business cards, marketing postcards that I distributed this fall, but also a facebook page. I also have a friend who is a former marketing director trying to convince me I need to start tweeting, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Eek.

So, the facebook page. I sent an invite to everyone on my friends list to become a fan of my photography business, and I am SO TICKLED that two people in particular signed on in a matter of minutes after my email went out. Now my husband still isn't a fan, but that's probably in part because (a) he rarely facebooks and (b) he's jealous that I'm starting the business he wanted to start 3 years ago when he spent money we didn't have on a $900 digital camera so he could start his business. I encouraged him to work on a portfolio, scan in old negatives/slides, go out shooting, but he never did. Oh well. His loss.

Now these two people are both guys, and pretty much two of the only people I've reconnected with on facebook that made me bite my nails after I sent them a friend request, waiting to see if they would accept. Because they meant a LOT to me during some formidable years (college) and I have self-esteem issues and I worried that I didn't mean as much to them as they did to me. Well, they did friend me, and we've conversed a few times, and it's AWESOME. It's like closure that these relationships (one just friends, one dating) happened to the degree that I imagined and I haven't been forgotten. And then these two guys are two of the first to become fans of my business page? It's just made me so thrilled to know they care. Sucks that neither are in the area (Boston and NYC) or I'd be shooting one's wife and kid (with one on the way) and the other with his band. Oh well. They can always take a road trip! I do live mere miles from some of the biggest tourist attractions in the country.

14 December 2009

Drama

I wish there wasn't so much drama in my life, but there is, and I don't always know how to deal or what the right reaction is. Seems like I get worked up about the little things but try to gloss over the big things. Like the fact that there's a golf ball sized cyst on my right ovary. We went in there at my annual exam to check on my fibroid (which hasn't grown in a year so we're going to ignore it for now) and BAM! Had to find something else. There's a variety of reasons for having a cyst in there, and my doctor isn't too worried (it wasn't super dense, just fluid filled, so no biopsy for now). But given my propensity not to ovulate and the fact that this one is larger than your average about-to-have-a-period cysts that happen all the time...I'm a little worried. I do feel pain there, but on a scale of 1 to 10 we're talking a 1, if that. It's more like a slight cramp that comes and goes. I've been chalking it up to my wacky reproductive system as a whole. So...I have to keep a journal of when I feel pain on that side (4 out of the past 6 days) and see if I get my period on my own. It's been 42 days. I've been taking progesterone on days 22-27 to induce a period, but skipped this month since I was going in for my check-up. We'll keep an eye on the pain befure, during, and after a period. So, yeah. I'm trying not to think about this one till the new year when we have some data behind us.

In good news, we have more ammo for the PCOS diagnosis - clear as day in black and white: I do not make near enough progesterone during the luteal phase of my "cycle." Not surprising, but nice to have it in writing now. Also, I do not produce enough seratonin. SERATONIN, people! The chemical that effects MOOD? No wonder I've been in such a plateau of depression! Plus a number of other vitamins/minerals/hormones that I'm off on all effect fatigue and anxiety. None are hugely off like the seratonin, but in concert together it adds up to one fucked up little body of mine. So we're playing with vitamins/supplements to boost seratonin production and other neuro-conectors and things should be running more smoothly soon. I hope.

I also hope that since I'm an emotional eater, and my emotions will soon be on the upswing, I'll be able to to get a better grip on that emotional eating. I was up 15lbs from the last time I stepped on the scale a few months ago, which is troubling, and confusing. Confusing because I don't know where that weight is - I've been wearing the same jeans for ages now. It's not like I wear sweats around the house. Wondering if I have a hollow leg or something. Anyway, I'm cautiously optomistic and plan on kicking the eating plan into high gear after the holidays. Sure, sure, the rest of your life starts now and all that shit. I'm trying out some new recipes, have cookies to bake, and a huge family dinner to look forward to on Christmas :)

08 December 2009

Long time no blog

Busy doesn't even begin to describe life these days.

One aspect of the insanity is that I've officially started my own photography business. I am a no-nonsense portrait and event photography that is AFFORDABLE (this is DC and I hope to someday be able to charge DC rates if you get what I mean) as I build my portfolio. I've done two family holiday picture session that went over like gangbusters and am booked for a friend of a friend's wedding in May. Casual outdoor affair with 100 people - just my style. So far I have two happy clients and word is getting around.

Let's rewind a little bit...2 years ago, TWO YEARS AGO, my sweet darling husband bought a $900 digital camera with money we didn't have. His intent was to start doing event photography on the side. Fine, I said. I'll stop being pissed when you make $900 with it. I encouraged him to put together a portfolio. To scan in some of his photos from back in the day and use them. At a friend's wedding a year after that purchase, he asked if it would be OK to take some pictures. He shot maybe 30 pics. A few months later I took "his camera" as he STILL calls it to California with me for my friend's wedding. I shot over 300 pics in two days and love love loved it. I've been shooting more and more ever since.

That's what got me to finally officially "open for business." Too many friends are using photos I took - at the park, at nursery school, at playgroup - as grandparent gifts or in their holiday cards. My close friends have been urging me to take this hobby to the next level. So I made business cards, sent out postcards to everyone on our Christmas card list, put together a portfolio and started marketing myself. If I get no jobs between now and that wedding in May, I'll have at least earned back the money Jim spent on the damn camera.

So I told him tonight, about how I just booked Kate's wedding in May. AND THE FUCKER HAS THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME I SHOULD CONSIDER BRINGING HIM ALONG AS A SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER, THAT 100 PEOPLE IS TOO BIG FOR ME TO SHOOT ALONE. I'm so pissed. So pissed it has driven me to blog for the first time in months. Grr...