I suffer from depression.
Hard to say it loud and clear like that, but sometimes that's the only way for me to grasp what I'm feeling, to kind of explain away the thoughts in my head by putting a big label on them, preferably tattooed across their collective forhead. I have a tendancy to beat myself up about a lot of little things, to not understand why some people can grasp situations and function a certain way when I seemingly can't do the same. I have a screwy sense of "normal" and a hard time accepting things in my life that don't fit into that definition. I got burned a lot growing up, nothing truly awful, but enough little things that snowballed and are coming back to bite me in the ass now as an adult. Throw in a new baby (and the messed up hormones that go with that) and a currently unemployed husband and a job I'm dying to quit so I can stay home with my girl and things can be very blue. Or as Holly Golightly would say, I have a case of the "mean reds."
Some days are just bad. Nothing seems to go right, and I get angry at the smallest thing, mostly because I've got too much inside that is on the brink of boiling over and one stupid comment or action by somebody can flip me out. Not that I come off as someone with anger management issues, but I frequently take it out on my husband (usually the one with the stupid comment who catches me at the end of a long day), which I know is wrong and he and I are working on it together. I also seem to have aquired a permenant back ache (some of it could be from lugging around 15 pounds of chunky baby love) and frequent headaches. I decided partly to start keeping this blog as a way to try and find the good in every day, the little things that make me laugh or smile, that cause me to sit back and reflect on the thought that the world isn't all bad.
Today: My daughter looks me in the eye and I realized that no matter what is going on in my life, I'm the coolest person in the world to her. Seriously, the love an infant has for her mother has got to be the closest thing on earth to what God's unconditional love for us flawed and sinful humans is like. We don't deserve it, but it's there, and it's humbling.