23 August 2006

We have nothing to fear

When did 'fear' become such a big part of my life? I remember growing up, I was fearless. I picked up bugs, played in the mud, frolicked in the ocean, jumped out of tree houses, actually anticipate airplane trips, wore crazy outfits, followed the beat of my own drummer. Why was I able to do all this? Was it the innocense of youth? The strong, protective arm of my father never that far away? Now I feel like 'fear' has overpowered me. The other night a racoon or squirrel was in the attic. I'm hoping he was really on the roof, but it sure did sound like it was right above our bedroom. Hope he's not dead and rotting up there right now. Could make for a gross chore when Jim goes up to put more insulation up there this fall. Anyway, back to fear. So this critter was up there somewhere, and at 3 in the morning I had worked myself into such a state of fear I was sweating in my sheets. Petrified that it was something more than just a wildly lost rodent trying to find its way home, I couldn't sleep.

I'm afraid to fly and will cry upon take-off without even trying. I remember being in the hospital, recovering from my c-section and thinking "Holy shit - we're going to have to fly to Texas for Christmas in 10 months with a BABY? How the hell am I supposed to be knocked up on benadryl and vodka and take care of an infant?" Bugs gross me out to no end now, and I'm so so so thankful I have a husband I can make do all the icky work for me. I won't go into the ocean or a lake any deeper than a point at which I can no longer see my feet, for fear of all things slimy and wet and shark related. I can work myself up into a tizzy just going to the doctor for the fear that something terrible is wrong. Last night I dreamt that some friends were making my go skydiving. I woke up when we were all up in the air in the plane before anyone could push me out. And I couldn't go back to sleep. I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of judgement, I'm afraid of what's to come. It's paralyzing, really. I feel like a big wus and hate myself even more for it. I am thankful I have a relationship with God beyond just going to church on Sunday mornings, and that when there is a critter in the attic or I'm on a plane about to take-off, I can find solace in prayer and that calms me down. Still, I don't like that there is so much 'fear' in my life. It's something I need to work on, but I don't quite know how to do that. Hopefully before the next time I have to get on a plane.

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