25 October 2006

Grief

It hit me recently that I missed out on a good four months of my daughters life. This makes me sad, and supposedly I need to grieve that loss in order to move forward. Which makes sense, I suppose.

Since hating pregnancy for 9 months, I've been conflicted between joking that there will never be a #2, ever, and knowing in the back of my head that more than one kid wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. But I know that *if* there's going to be a #2, it's not going to happen at least till Natalie is potty trained. That being said, I've started thinking about our fictional child #2. I think more and more that I do really want one, partly because I know I'll be about 72 kinds of more prepared for her. The other reason I want one is that I want to be there for her the whole time - the times where she's just cuddly and sleeps a lot and is easily amused but just watching the world around her, unlike what Natalie is like currently.

Natalie is a blessing and a curse. I love how her personality is starting to come through, how she's so curious and wants to figure things out and talk and smile and giggle and take it all in. But it can drive me up a wall when she's so needy - it's a different needy than 8 months ago, when she was so teeny and had to eat all the time and be changed and held and constantly nursed. It's "needy" in the sense that, for example, she wants to stand up all the time, which is something she can't do on her own. So I get stuck with either a whining baby or sitting on the floor while she uses me for support to stand, laughing with glee the whole time. Hard to get anything done (laundry, lunch, we're not even talking about the work I get paid for) when you are being a baby scratching post. I think back to when she wasn't like this, and those were the times when I was at work. I'd be up at the ass crack of dawn, then come home by 3:30-4, only to whisk her away from Jim so he could go job search. I didn't get to enjoy her. I was so tired, and I was so desperate to be with her and hold her and make up for having to be away, as well as try to cook dinner, or laundry, and attempt to get a little downtime in for myself before bedtime rolled around once again.

It was a frantic time, the only way it could have been. I don't regret the decision to go back to work, as it was the only way to keep us from losing the house. I do regret that it had to be that way, and that is why I find myself dreaming of #2. So I can be there, and be the mom I want to be, and not feel like I missed out as much as I've missed out already. She was only 2.5 months old when I went back to work - It's hard not to think of what a sweet little bundle she was then while trying to baby wrangle a wiggly 8.5 month old on her changing table.

22 October 2006

21 October 2006

New chapter

Today starts what will hopefully be a better, brighter era in my life. As soon as the babe wakes up and we can go to CVS to pick up my presciption, I'll be starting a low dose of Zoloft.

I still have a hard time saying the word. Depression. It's scary. Ugly. Overpowering. But I'm thankful for a wonderful doctor and a great therapist and together we're going to get me in a better place. And our family in a better place, as a happy wife and mother should make for a happier husband and baby. I owe them at least that much.

19 October 2006

New found joy

I HATE to shop.

Hate it with the passion of a thousand suns. My husband? Yeah, I can lose him for hours in Macy's on a saturday afternoon. I get overloaded with too many things too look at and noise and bright lights and I just have to back away. Even Target would do me in if it wasn't for the fact that I know where everything is I need and can beeline in and right back out again. Same goes for Ikea, except that I usually require a nap after going there.

But, I have discovered that shopping for Natalie is fun. And for some reason I don't feel as guilty spending money on her, as she pretty much needs a whole new wardrobe each season, so it's not like she's not going to wear any of the stuff I've bought her. I've only bought her things (a sundress, a play outfit...) on the clearance racks at the mall or at one of the two consignment shops near by (Oilily pants for next to nothing, a bunch of baby Gap stuff with tags still on...). Consignment shop shopping feels like treasure hunting, which is why I think I've fallen quickly in love with it. The payoff feels so good - to scour the racks upon racks of clothing, only to stumble upon the perfect denim jumper that only costs $8.99 and looks like it's never even been worn. Or the Hanna Anderson tights still in their package for $2. Somehow it just makes the whole day seem worth while.

16 October 2006

Realization

I was thinking, and it hit me: Working/being at home all day is kind of like college. I can wear the same pair of jeans for a week straight and no one is the wiser, which I haven't done since senior year when I had this great pair of dark wash boot cut jeans that made my ass look fantastic. Alas, I think they were a size 6, which I doubt will ever happen again. I just wish I could fit in my fat jeans right now. My post-pregnancy jeans are too long and I'm tired of cuffing them.

But with all these 80's fashion flashbacks (skinny jeans, ankle booties, and leggings - oh my!) going on, I'm just waiting for pegged jeans to come back so I can submit my photos from 8th grade to Vogue for proof of how the style really should be worn. It's just a matter of time, really. Same goes for acid wash. If you see that on the catwalk, note that I predicted it here first!! Then acid wash the idiot who thought it would be hip and trendy to bring it back. The current trends are some that I will NEVER be able to wear thanks to the psychological damage of junior high. Not to mention how dorky my childbearing hips would look in a pair of skinny jeans. No one should ever have to see that.

09 October 2006

8 months

Wow. Eight months already. You've been growing exponentially lately, not so much in size but in development. You are no longer content to sit in one spot and play, you must move! Whether it's discovering that you can jump in your exersaucer and make a racket, or scooting on your butt over to the coffee table, where you attempt to pull up, or rolling all over kingdom come (a.k.a. the living room floor) to get what you want, be it a toy, the edge of the rug, or the stereo speaker. What melts my heart is that you think you are hot stuff for doing all this, as I'll call your name just as you are trying to claw your way up the speaker and you'll turn, make eyes at me, and smile your biggest grin. Which, as of this weekend, will no longer ever be toothless, and this makes me just a little sad.

It is a blessing and a curse that I am your most favorite person these days, as it means I am the only one who can calm you at 3am and rock you back to sleep. Daddy tries, but you just scream and scream until I come in the room, and then you fling yourself from his arms into mine and immediately quiet down, settling your sleep-heavy head into my neck and go back to dreamland. And while I hate the zombie feeling I have in the morning after these nights, I secretly love the time in the wee hours of the morning just rocking and cuddling, feeling your soft cheeks against mine, smelling your sweet baby smell.

I am more in love with you ever day it seems, little Natalie. You are so full of personality and excitment and "joie de vie." We are so blessed to have you in our lives.

07 October 2006

Oh no

I, for some reason, can not stop refering to Natalie's new tooth as her "toof," or worse yet, her "toofie." Gah, I abhore baby talk but I cannot stop myself.

Her toof is not *really* visible yet unless you look closely, which she doesn't let anyone do, but it is definately there; I have felt its wrath.

Kind of sad, as this means no more of her fabulous toothless grins. I hope her new smile is just as cute. Its the first milestone really that reminds me that there's no turning back, she's just going to get bigger. But on the flip side, it means we get to introduce cheerios to her diet!

05 October 2006

Thoughts

Dooce sums it up so much better than I ever could:

"You deserve better than this, better than the look of absolute desperation I carry in my eyes all day long. I should be more playful, should sing more songs, color more pictures, but I’m sometimes afraid that if I attempt any of these things you will see through it and know that I am lying. Right now I can’t see the world in anything but shades of very pale gray...I would not wish this crushing emptiness on my worst enemy — but now that I am here I’m not quite sure what to do this time, except trust that you and your father will stick by me, will be here when I do feel better."

02 October 2006

Thankful

Today is a good day, after a string of bad and not-so-good ones. Good because I'm loving my new mom friends, whom I met up with for coffee today, with whom I exchanged books, and baby gear to try out before shelling out big bucks for, with whose children Natalie loves to wave and babble with and share chew toys. It's good to have friends you can talk about breastfeeding and poopy diapers and sex after childbirth with. It's just good to have friends, period, something I've been lacking lately when you are one of the only people you know who goes and has a baby. It helps me look forward, at the joys of this journey called motherhood, instead of looking back on all the fun I'm missing out on with my single/childless friends.