We went downtown today because we had to get a gift card for Jim's birthday, which is tomorrow. Since it was a 70 degree day in January, Natalie and I walked around a bit. I went into Ulta, the Sephora for real people. Never been in there before, which is no surprise as I don't really wear makeup. Jim acutally got my mascara for Christmas as it had been so long since I wore mine, I had discovered it was all dried out when I went to put some on for his boss's Christmas party. I though Ulta wouldn't scare me quite like Sephora did. Boy, was I wrong.
I just wanted to get some foundation since I'm a little ruddy and pink in spots, and a little concealer since I have a blemish or two and gigantic dark circles under my eyes thanks to Natalie. I've never really figured foundation out, it tends to dry/crack on me, or not be quite the right color. But I'm too chicken to ask for help. Today was no different. I paced up and down aisles, hoping some kind soul of an employee would stop and sense my plight and offer help without a touch of judgement at this haggard looking me. Nope. So I left in a cold sweat. Couldn't admit my ignorance and ask for help.
I've never had my makeup done. I've always just kind of faked it. I'm really good at doing smokey eyes, which fortunately I can work, as my philosophy on eye liner and eye shadow is just to make both sides match. Hence frequently coming out a little heavy handed. No matter, I usually only wear makeup to big events, and never for everyday. This is an advantage of growing up in the North: I have no problem going to the groccery in my pyjama pants, and definately without my hair and makeup perfectly done. The problem is that I also have no issue with going to church, or work, or out with friends without makeup on.
There were times in both high school and college where I had to put some on in the morning. I wonder what made me like that and why I stopped. Oh well. Now, I can see how a little makeup would help me feel better about myself, just knowing that I'm going out not looking like a total train wreck, but at least like just a fender bender instead. And not for EVERY day, just for the days where there is something going on, even if it's just taking Natalie to playgroup or the doctor. But I know I need help, and I'm too self conscious to ask. I need someone to set me up at Utla for a private consultation, and then as soon as I'm done, be allowed to go home and wash my face immediately so no one makes a big deal about me being all made up. Yup, I am that much of a dork. Self esteem issues anyone? It's so bad, I'm typing this all hear because I'm too embarassed to even bring it up with my therapist. Fun times.