14 March 2007

Baggage

I'm an emotional eater.

Have been, probably always will be. I didn't fully understand what it meant till my therapy session last week when we talked in depth about it. Reason being, I had kicked the habit in the past, but lately? It's back. Even with my PCOS diagnosis and knowing how sugar and fat effect my body, I still have such a hard time with food. I found out that my emotional eating is just like (or at least very very similar) to an alcoholid. It's an addiction. It's not so much the "gotta have it" mentality that makes it an addiction, it's much deeper. I eat the way some people drink because I'm trying to find satisfaction that I'm not getting elsewhere in my life. No, not sexual. I've got a baby and am on anti-depressants so I have no issues with my lack of sex life. But that feeling of fullfillment is missing, so I turn to comfort food. When I'm sad, I feel like "I deserve this chocolate because of what I'm going through." When I'm angry, it's more of a "Well screw you. I'm going to go get some tasty take-out pad thai without you knowing." Sometimes it's boredom, and I eat because I can't think of anything else to do and somehow I feel that another snack will help satiate me.

Fortunately, I don't keep "bad" food in the house. The worst thing I can binge on is leftovers or peanut butter and jelly (organic natural peanut butter, low sugar jelly, and flourless and sugarless bread from Trade Joe's). But I don't need a PBJ after a breakfast of scrambled egg whites. And then some fruit. And then a yogurt. And then some hot cocoa. It's the continuous munching that I need to learn to control. So much easier said than done, as I haven't figured out what I can do to find satisfaction. I feel short of time - Natalie is far from being a champion napper, so those few moments when she is asleep is spent working, answering emails, switching laundry loads, cleaning up the kitchen, etc., leaving no time for me to sit down with a crafty project and really make a dent in it. And I don't feel like I have the support I need in all this from Jim. But hopefully that will change. He and I have to talk about some things, this being one of them, before my next therapy session, or my therapist is going to bonk me over the head for being such a chicken and procrastinating another 2 weeks.

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