29 May 2007

Dear John,

You have been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe because I'm so stressed and the fact that hind sight is always 20-20. I miss you so much. It's been almost 7.5 years since we last saw each other, and almost that long since we last talked. I can't really say I'm surprised, since the last time we saw each other was at your wedding. I still remember that day so clearly. Mostly because I hurt so bad that day. I knew it was the end of an incredible friendship, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Instead I was That Girl in the bathroom between the wedding and reception who was bawling my eyes out. And you had to go and hug me so hard and long before I left, and then stupid No Doubt's "Don't Speak" comes on the radio as I'm pulling out of the church parking lot (in the car I bought from your dad's business), and I almost have to pull over because I'm crying so incredible hard for the second time that day.

You were my best friend, my soul mate, my first love. We went through more together than the average high schoolers should ever have to go through - you know, that whole "your dad hates me and won't let us date thing just because I'm not of the same ethnicity as your immigrant parents." But our friendship stayed so strong. You brought your future wife to meet me before you took her home to meet your family. You asked me how you should pay for her engagement ring. You told me you were going to propose to her before you told your family. You two got engagned 8 years ago this Memorial Day weekend. I got bit by my mom's pet rabbit the next day. Still have the damn scar and I still think of you every time I see it.

For years I've been telling myself that it would never have worked out between us in the long run. I wanted kids, you didn't. Then our parents run into each other at the hardware store and I find out you and your wife have a baby a whole 3 months younger than Natalie. I'm happy for you, but it's eating at me. You knew me like no one ever has, and when I'm struggling with Jim and wondering what the hell I got myself into, I think of you, and how you just got me, never criticised me, and were so wise and Godly beyond your years. I still love you John, a little piece of my heart will always belong to you. I just hope you feel the same way. I'd hate to think my rememberances of times gone by were one sided, and someday if we meet again, I'd lose it if you said "Katie who?" But I kind of thing that wouldn't, couldn't happen. You always remember your first love, and I know for sure that that feeling was mutual.

May God bless you and your family, and I pray that one day our two families can come together and all be friends.

17 May 2007


I can't believe I forgot to take a before picture...it was a dingy little picnic table that was a faded red and blue. Real blah, but my saintly mother saw the potential when she spotted it sitting at the curb on trash day. Now, it's all ready for toddler frat parties and racuous game of milk pong.

15 May 2007

A little of both...

Good news: My ovaries have not decided to take early retirement afterall! Yipee!!

Bad news: My thyroid seems to be going wacky again. Off to the endocrinologist next week. Fingers crossed that she tells me *something* can be done, and that my thryoid is only acting wacky, and hasn't actually crossed into the dark side (mom's whole side of the family, at least the women, all had thyroid cancer in their 20's).

09 May 2007

15 months

Today you turned 15 months old my little munckin. And it was a long day, one of those where your schedule and my needs do not match up and we both end up cranky and tired and overwhelmed. I don't have much to say right now, as I'm feeling so down lately. I'm exhausted all the time and not finding the patience I need to wait for my damn test results from the doctor. I know something is wrong with my body, and I don't know what I'm going to do if the results come back saying everything is technically fine.

But this isn't about me, it's about you. Turning into a toddler before my eyes. Your sense of humor is getting more sophisticated every day, so much so that you leave me in tears of laughter more and more. Like today, we came home from the YMCA where I had had a good workout on the eliptical. As you were eating lunch, I bent over to pick up something off the kitchen floor. Having just worked out, my innards were rather loosened, shall we say, and a small bit of gas escaped from my colon. OK, I farted. But the funny part is the way you looked at me, stuck out your tongue and rassberried, and then cracked up like this was the funniest joke in the world. In a way, it was. You are a sweet little girl, who shows your excitment for strawberries, friends, daddy, all the neighborhood dogs we now know because you shriek with delight and start chasing after them when they are still 4 houses away on their evening constitutionals. You've learned where your body parts are, but you still don't call me mommy, or mama, or even just mmmmmmm. Occasionally you call me daddeeee, which I think you do just to piss me off sometimes. I love you so much, Natalie. You are my sweetie.

07 May 2007

So tired

I'm waiting patiently for my test results from my OB/GYN's office. I'm so swamped with work, because I sleep horribly at night, and then during the day find myself dozing off when Natalie is in bed, leaving me that hour or two after she goes to bed and before I crash yet again to get work done, which is the last time I want to be sitting down to write. Like I should be doing now, but instead I'm posting here. Makes me wonder how I survived college. That's right, no internet in our apartment. Gasp! That was like the dark ages, man, a whole 7 years ago.

But back to the present...I'm behind on work, exhausted, and Natalie is transitioning to one nap a day. Which means instead of trying to work during her morning nap so I can nap during her afternoon one, I spend my morning trying to make sure she gets REALLY tired so that she takes a long mid-day nap, therefore allowing me to get some work done, and then crash on the couch with the intent of getting some downtime, but end up alseep mid-way through a Law and Order rerun. Fun times, eh?

01 May 2007

I will survive

Got a shit load of blood taken today...gotta see why at the ripe old age of 29 I'm having hot flashes. Fingers crossed that I don't have premature ovarian failure (POF), which is code for early onset menopause (sort of). I have all the symptoms of POF, and frankly, I don't care if that's what the bloodwork comes back to confirm. I just want to know why I feel so crappy most of the time. Drowning my sorrows in chocolate ice cream certainly isn't helping in the long run, but sadly it feels so good in the short term.

We survived a trip north to see the grandparents and great-grandparents. Natalie was a trooper, and missed almost all her naps, and was still in top form. My grandparents are SO OLD, it's sad, and as horrible as it sounds, I hope they go on to God soon, because they aren't living here anymore. Well, they're living if you define "living" as "sitting around, watching TV, not making it to the bathroom on time, napping, complaining, and generally acting like spoiled 4 year olds." They live in this great retirement community with lots of vibrant seniors who go to museums or movie night or enjoy the pool and gardens at their residence. Nope, not grandma and papa. It's really sad, seeing two people turn into shells of the people I remember growing up, who had crazy stories from their days in Brooklyn and all their travels when they retired.

Anyway, Natalie was a crankpot tonight when it came to going to bed, so I'm praying she's not getting sick again. I don't know if I could handle that nightmare again, and only a week later.