30 July 2007

Survival

We survived the weekend with my parents, grandparents, and uncle, and now I'm home, trying to clean and prepare for Jim's mom to fly in tonight for her two week marathon of a visit. Not sure if my snarky northern sensibilities will survive two minutes, let alone two weeks, of her deep fried southern personality. Not to mention my fear of being criticized on the way I'm raising Natalie. Afterall, this is the woman who told us we had to take her to a chiropractor when she was a week old.

27 July 2007

Blech

I struggle with my weight. That's the short and simple version. The long version involves things like being hypothyroid, reactive hypoglycemia, PCOS, some level of insulin resistance, family history of diabetes, depression, hot flashes, motherhood, stress, marriage, time, and currently, an oven door that's broken and thus rendering the oven unusable.

Together what I have to do to lose the extra 50lbs I'm carrying around is eat 5-6 small meals a day, mixing protein with whole grains to help the breakdown/digestion of the complex carbohydrates. Then I need to exercise a hell of a lot, but not beat myself over the head when a week has gone by and I haven't made it to the gym because I've had a kid with a stomach bug and can't leave her in the child care room at the Y. And it's been hot out and I seriously don't handle the heat well and so there goes walking outside and we went to the mall(s) way too much last week to escape the heat and get some walking in, and my credit card can't handle anymore of that. I also need to learn to not eat my emotions and find some other way to channel my frustration and depression instead of by filling my stomach with various forms of chocolate.

Easy-peasy, right? Ha. It's hard when my head knows exactly what I need to do, but my body doesn't feel like playing along. This is where the struggle comes in. I'm real good at the self inflicted guilt, and nothing drives me to the chocolate ice cream like realizing I'm growing out of my fat clothes. Doesn't help that on paper you'd think I'm hugely obese, but I just look pudgy in person so people like my doctors are shocked that I can hide that much weight on a 5'3" frame.

The good things about my mother-in-law coming to visit is that I will be fiercely good about my diet around her. I don't want to be judged for being fat and eating badly, so I'm going to be the uber-annoying daughter-in-law who insists on cooking since my mother-in-law wouldn't know a whole grain if it slapped her in the face. What I'm worried about is the fact that I'm excited to escape while she's here, go off by myself to read or sit or just be. Alone. I'm worried that during those times I'm going to breakdown and get the chocolate chip cheesecake at the coffee shop, or take myself out to lunch and get french fries with my sandwich instead of asking to substitue them for a salad or fruit like I know I should.

I've got to get a grip, I just wish that was easier done than said.

25 July 2007

Funny

My neighbor sent this silly little forward to me, and it is seriously the funniest thing I've heard in a while. Perhaps not surprising since I've spent the past three days with myself and the crankopotamus (who is feeling better, but far from 100% yet).

Men are like fine wine.They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I love my neighbor, she helps keep me sane. I think I do the same for her. There are days when you just have to say fuck and I'm glad I can have someone to call who will listen and agree with me and not be offended by my occasional potty mouth as she has one too. And it's nice to have someone who doesn't mind hanging out in pajamas with you if your baby hasn't let you put clothes on yet that morning. And we'll call if we're off to the store to see if the other needs anything. When my mother-in-law is here next week, she seriously suggested some code of dishtowels out the window or something for when I need her to call with some "emergency" that she needs me to come over and help with. Can you ask for a better neighbor? She rocks. Here's a pic of our girls reading together. We plan to raise them to be nerds and all into books and stuff like we were as kids.


24 July 2007

Relief

I toss around my Christianity very casually, but at the heart of it, I'm serious about what I believe. One of those things is the power of prayer. It is a serious matter, not just words to be recited before a meal* and it kind of rubs me the wrong way that our Presbyterian chruch started printing a prayer of confession from one of the catechisms (no idea, I grew up Baptist, we didn't have such things) in the bulletin for group recitation before communion. Prayer to me is organic, from the heart; there's something raw about true prayer and the act of bringing your troubles and worries to God's feet, no matter how big or small.

Natalie was miserable yesterday. We spent much of the day hanging out on the couch, alternating between nursing and watching PBS. She took three naps, and considering it can be a fight to get her to take one, that is proof she felt yucky. Some sort of stomach bug, and she had no interest in food and I spent what little energy I had trying to get her to drink liquids. Sippy cup, box drink, with a straw, in one of mommy's cups, a popsicle, even hose water outside. I felt like I was in a constant state of prayer, asking for God's help in healing this little creature He's entrusted to me to care for. She was so sad yesterday, just wanting to lay with her head on my shoulder and her arms around me and one of her stuffed animals.

Obviously those prayers were answered in the affirmative, as she was up at 4am ready to go. After much breastfeeding, she actually asked for breakfast. And while it wasn't much and it went straight through her system, the fact that she was wanting food is huge. And she wanted to play, something she hardly did at all yesterday. I did get her back to bed at 6am, but we had to get up at 8 to take Jim to work as my car is still in the garage (and Jim is too much of a wimp to walk the five blocks to the bus stop). When we got home, she asked for more oatmeal, and I managed to get her back down around 9 for a nap. And that is where I'm going too. I'm so much more at peace today, knowing that my prayers of yesterday were heard and answered, which is always a nice thing, you know?

*my favorite being "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"

23 July 2007

Double crap

Um, finished HP7 last night. Oh well. Mother-in-law doesn't have to know next week that I'm reading it for the second time. Does that make me a true Harry Potter nerd? I don't think so, it's more something to do (reading it a 2nd time) than anything else. Still pretty nerdy, though.

And I've got a sick baby on my hands. No fun except for the fact that she wants to do a lot of cuddling. The most animated she's been all day is when we were sitting on the couch together watching sesame street and she pointed out some balloons with all the excitement she could muster. She didn't even flirt with the checkout boy at Trader Joes. At least she hasn't thrown up since yesterday afternoon and is taking lots of liquids and breastmilk, although not a lot of food.

21 July 2007

Crap

I pre-ordered HP7 but didn't pay for the special overnight shipping, so I figured my book would show up on tuesday or wednesday, which was perfect as my mother-in-law is coming on the 30th and I was looking forward to letting her babysit while I headed down to my favorite coffee shop, the one with the big mismatched couches where all the hip urbanites hang out, getting lunch and a mocha and nestling in for a nice long reading session. Now I don't know if I'll be able to not finish the book before then. Damn!

So I think I'll throw my to-do list out for today and enjoy the perfect weather and while Natalie is napping, go sit on the patio and read. Then I'm giving the book to my neighbor and telling her to hide it at her house till next Monday when Jim's mom arrives. I want to savor the combination of babysitter and good book for as long as possible.

19 July 2007

The end is near?

It hit me that tomorrow will be my half birthday. That means 6 months till I hit the big 3-0. I'm starting to have mixed feelings. I'm the youngest of most of my friends, so I'm one of the last to turn 30. While I'm tired of being teased for being the "baby" of the group, I figure that sounds like a good excuse to rub it in and have a big bash and all. I am looking forward to being a thirtysomething, as I hear good things about being in your 30s. But part of me feels like I haven't taken advantage of my 20s as much as I could have/would have liked to. So here's a list of 30 things I want to do before 20 January 2008 (in no particular order):

  1. get Natalie's name added to the little tattoo on my back
  2. do more things with other moms
  3. while losing 50lbs would rock, that may be a bit ambitious for 6 months time - 25lbs sounds a bit more reasonable
  4. actually fit into some of my pre-pregnancy clothes instead of feeling like s tuffed sausage in them
  5. look fabulous at my 30th birthday party
  6. look fabulous at Kim's wedding
  7. get a good haircut and keep it up
  8. get some funky highlights in my hair
  9. get snookered like I'm still in college at least once, preferably with the girls for Kim's bachelorette party
  10. potty train Natalie (she'll turn 2 a a few weeks after I turn 30, so how cool would that be?)
  11. stop eating sugar once and for all
  12. get my makeup done and actually purchase beauty and pampering products (shocker, yes, I've never had a professional tell me what and how to wear makeup - explains why I don't wear any almost ever).
  13. take time to pamper myself, even if it's just a monthly manicure
  14. give up diet coke with lime
  15. start my shop at etsy.com
  16. redcorate our bedroom
  17. paint the kitchen
  18. save enough money to get the kitchen cabinets and counters replaces
  19. replace my car with one that is not 14 years old
  20. deal with my depression better
  21. read more books
  22. organize my office and shread things that don't need to be kept
  23. finish sewing project with my cousin in Oregon
  24. get a mother's helper who can come once a week or so after school so I don't have to start taking that other mother's little helper in order to stay sane
  25. cook more
  26. define what is garden and what is grass in the back yard
  27. reclaim more of the over growth for grass
  28. rent a dumpster and empty out the shed, which came with the house and 50 years of crap in it
  29. cut down the bamboo in the far reaches of the yard and use it to cover the rusty old grape arbor
  30. save enough to fly Jim's family (3 adults, 3 kids) here for Christmas so I don't have to get on a friggin plane with a toddler (I've been dreading this since she was born).

17 July 2007

Boobies!!

If you want to read the long story about my struggles with low supply while breastfeeding, go here. I hope I can be an inspiration to just one other mom, to keep on keepin' on when it seems like breastfeeding is such a struggle. 17 months from starting on this journey, I'm grateful every single day I stuck with it.

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

I liked it. It was a good flick, and unlike the other Harry Potter movies, it moved along at a nice pace. Jim liked it, and he's never read the books (loser - he doesn't read books period), so that's gotta mean something.

Of course there were 12 year olds and grownups alike discussing afterwards how the book is so much better and things didn't happen in the movie like they did in the book and such. Sure, the director could have stuck strictly to every plot line in the entire tome, but we'd be watching it for 3 days instead of a little over 2 hours. I think he did an excellent job editing and directing - some plot lines were totally chopped out as to be expected, and that also means that somethings in the plots that stay have to be changed to work better with the flow of the story. I think the director did an excellent job in keeping the spirit of the other Harry Potter films, and still gave it some things of his own. Even some things that weren't in the book seemed to be good additions to the film in that they added depth to characters and gave the viewer subtle clues into the deeper meanings without having to explore them through long conversations with Harry and Sirius, or Harry, Ron, and Hermione, etc. Casting, as usually, was fantastic. Imelda Staunton was the funniest personification of pure evil imaginable, I can only hope that she is what J.K. Rowling had in mind when writing the character of Umbridge, beacuse it was a spot on perfect performance.

Overall, a fun evening out. Because we got treats since this was a work event for Jim, we went a little nuts and I had a "medium" diet Coke. More like one of those super jumbo cups you get at the mini-mart soda fountain. All that to say I had to get up to pee about 4 times last night, after not being able to fall asleep because I was so jacked up on caffeine. Still, it was worth it. Hopefully we'll get back to the movies again before another year passes.

16 July 2007

Party on!

Jim and I are actually going to a MOVIE tonight. Last time we saw something in the theatre, I think, was Little Miss Sunshine (if you were only going to see one movie in the theatre in 2006, this one was a pretty damn good choice).Tonight it's the latest Harry Potter flick. I'm excited to see it as I (heart) Harry Potter, but Jim is kind of indifferent. But it's actually a work event for him. His company rocks in that they have some really fun extra cirricular activities. Their picnic was a blast, we've gone bowling, Christmas parties, Jim's done a baseball game and a few other things, too. So tonight it's movie night. The company is paying for tickets and everyone gets popcorn and drinks. Can you say free date? Jim's sister is babysitting (for free!), and bringing the pooch she's dogsitting for, so Natalie is going to have a blast playing with her Auntie Anne (or her "Anne-chovie" as Anne's best friend is trying to get Natalie to call her) and Spark, the former blue ribbon winning Westhighland Terrier show dog. I'm excited because all the rogue cheerios under the couch and in the kitchen and such are going to be gone after having a terrier in the house. Wondering if this means I can go another week without vacuuming...

13 July 2007

Sad day

Nothing like having your favorite take out place raided by the INS...While the people who owned the joint were obviously up to no good, the people arrested who worked there were nice and just trying to make a living. We (me, Jim, Natalie, most of our local friends except Kim, because she's a vegetarian) are all going to go through withdrawl if the place is closed for good. Seriously, they serve the best chicken EVER. And it was cheap. Dinner for two was a whole $7 and change.

Jim brought up a good point. If the owners were hiding assets upwards of $7 million, couldn't they have put a little of that into the restaurant? The place always has been a slightly skeevy whole in the wall (with a Zagut's rating, too). Which did make it fun the first time you took someone there to get take out. They would wonder why the hell were you getting food from such a dive, but once they ate their chicken, they totally understood.

12 July 2007

Triumph?

I put the ice cream back.

We were at the groccery and my favorite ice cream was on sale. So I grabbed a container of it. Then 2 minutes later, I retraced my steps and put it back on the shelf. Felt good, like I'm standing up to temptation, doing something good for myself, that sort of thing. Then I remembered we had fudge at home (a thank you for bird/house sitting while our neighbors were at the shore) and I had a package of cookies stashed in a dresser drawer. So I guess I still have issues - hiding food and all that. I've been picking at the fudge, but I decided to hide it in the freezer where it can get rock hard and you can't eat it right out of the box. As for the cookies, I guess I'll just eat them. Hahahahaha, perhaps if I can gather even more will power than what I used to put the ice cream back, the cookies will go in the trash. With a squirt of dish soap on top just to be sure.

Oy.

11 July 2007

Boore. Ring.

I currently have three jobs. Four if you count toddler wrangling. Which I spent an hour doing at the mall this morning when a certain someone's attention span for the live kids music quit and she decided it was more fun to run the halls with a few of her little friends who were also there. Gotta say, the music was actually pretty good. Nothing treacly or overly sickening, just a guy and his guitar and he was excellent at engaging the kids and he was even playing some Simon and Garfunkle before everything got started. My kind of guy.

But I digress. My jobs are, in reverse order:

#3 - Freelance writer: Sounds so much cooler than it really is, but it's one of the first times I'm actually using my history degree - I can research a topic I know nothing about and whip up a paper on it no problem. Currently working on a project for ABC Consulting (duh, not its real name) who is putting together a buyers guide for different software options for the work they consult on. I'm the one taking the 12 pages of interview notes for the different software companies and turning them into 3-4 page profiles. Boring, but pays well.

#2 - Writer: A more regular gig (except when they start changing due dates around), my dad does some work for ABC Consulting and they wanted him to write 3 articles for their bi-monthly trade publication. He didn't have the time but knew the exposure would be good for his own work, so he feeds me the research and I do the writing and he gets to put his name on it. On a good day, I can spit out these 1200 word articles in one sitting.

#1 - Publications Editor/Coordinator: This is my steady paycheck. It was my full-time pre-baby job that I thank God every day was able to turn into a part time from home position. It doesn't take near the amount of hours I'm contracted for, but that's not my problem. I despised this job because of the politics and some serious jerks I had to deal with, but appreciated it for the (mostly) nice people, the flexible hours, and decent pay. Amazing how I don't mind it as much now that I don't have coworkers or have to waste my time sitting in a cube waiting for people to get back to me, since I am always quick to work and send things off ASAP, where as many of the people I worked with didn't exactly have the same work ethic.

Today, instead of sitting in a cramped conference room for a torturous 2-hour long all hands meeting, where I'd be in the corner with my water bottle and a scratch pad, doodling away, I'm instead sitting at home, with the phone on speaker and mute, typing on my blog, using the toilet, making lunch, checking email, etc. Much nicer way to deal with these things. The morning mall music fest was timed perfectly so that we got home, put a pooped out Natalie down for a nap and I called in. I'm such an introvert, I enjoy not having to deal with people all day. Toddlers are much more honest and black and white and don't partake in office politics.

10 July 2007

This is how I feel, too

Excellent article about living with depression here.

Decision

I've been doing cloth diapers with Natalie since she was about 3 months old. Before that she was so skinny and I wasn't skilled enough to get them nice and snug to where all the lovely baby poop stayed in. Once she fattened up a bit, we were doing great. I enjoy not contributing to landfill space, except that we do use disposables at night and when we go out just because it's easier (not to mention the YMCA babysitting room has a big sign saying "Parents - Do not send children in cloth diapers!!"). Lately, Natalie has been the queen of pooping. We're talking upwards of 5 times a day. I just can't keep pace with the cloth diapers - we only have one bathroom which can make swishing poo cumbersome (Jim flips on the weekend if there's a poopy diaper soaking in the toilet and he has to go). And she's between diaper pants sizes, so the small ones don't always stay shut but the medium ones aren't as snug so they tend to get poo on them, requiring me to toss them in the diaper pail instead of reusing. Which means we're going through them really fast and I can't keep up with the laundry.

Like all my justification? I'm really torn, but I think I'm going to accept the fact that cloth diapering over the last 15months has definately saved us money and been good for the environment, and it's OK to hang up the poo swishing gloves. So it's disposables for us. Hopefully this freaky early potty training will take off and we won't be using them much longer anyway.

09 July 2007

17 Months

Today, little Natalie, you turn 17 months old. What is extra special about July 9th is that it was also the day, 2 years ago exactly, I discovered I was pregnant with you, AND the baby panda was born at the National Zoo 2 years ago today as well. What a lovely day it was, with three pee sticks all saying the same thing and me and your father in denial, which resulted in an additional pee stick the next day and me having a complete breakdown in church and bawling my eyes out during communion. My how things have changed since then!

It seems cliche because I say it all the time, but you are just gaining personality by the nanosecond. You are so conversational and coy and flirty and silly. We still don't know what you're saying most of the time, but we you answer yes and no questions now which is great. You've also started siting on the potty and actually going, which is freaking us out. I'm starting to get more and more comments about how smart you are and such from other people and especially other moms, so I hope I can raise you not to be that socially awkward really smart kid like I and your uncle Tim were back in the day because your grandparents are both royal dorks (but we love them a LOT).


I'd write more, but it seems you have decided to hell with the afternoon nap, so I guess it's time to feed you (again) and head out to Border's. It's hot as sin today, so we're going to go hang out there where you can run around and read books and Mamma can get an iced coffee and sit down in the cool airconditioning. I love you so much Natalie, even when you are screaming because you think naps are for sissies. You are the light of my life.

07 July 2007

Nice

The trunk of my car broke. Something to do with the latch not locking or locking and not unlocking. Currently my trunk is not just unlocked, but a stiff wind would blow it wide open. Hope no one steals my gas can or the dingy fleece I keep there for winter emergencies. Or my tire iron. Now that would really suck. The other stuff is free for the taking. Just means I don't have to clean that crap out of there when it's time to sell it (hahahaha - it's looking more and more like we should just donate it and get the tax credit) later this summer.

The sad thing is that my trunk is where the stroller lived, since our wee little house has no entrance way or mudroom or foyer - imagine, what luxury if it did!! Now we have a stroller to trip over in front of the dining room table (a.k.a. in the passage between the living room and the kitchen that just happens to have a table shoved up against the wall in order to make room to pass by - not that we actually eat at said table, it just seems to be a place to collect piles of stuff). Figures. Nothing had broken for a while so it was time something went wrong. Better my car trunk than the A/C with a heat wave coming this week, eh?

06 July 2007

4th of July

We had fun on the 4th, despite the weather being crappy - muggy, overcast, and we weren't sure if we were hearing fireworks of thunder. But we managed to get everything on the grill before it rained and eating inside probably eliminated a lot of bug bites. Natalie was in rare form, which is actually not the rare on occasions like this when she has an audience other than me. We were at Jim's sister's house, and there were a few other people, but Natalie was the only baby. The beer and wine was flowing, so everyone was in good spiritis and she just fed off those vibes and was hysterical. She's just funny, there's really no way to describe it, but she laughs and chases people and will flirt and try to tickle you and looks for everyone's belly buttons.

But I did feel a little like I was inside The Very Hungry Caterpillar...Natalie ate 1 turkey burger, 2 apricots, 3 slices of watermelon, 1 hunk of cucumber, many tortilla chips, more watermelon, a pile of grilled veggies, berries, and a teeny bit of ice cream. The child is only 20% in weight, so this appetite of hers is a testiment to the fact that she Never Sits Still. Ever.

03 July 2007

Milestone

Today, Natalie peed on her potty.

She's not even 17months old yet, but obviously brilliant. We're not pushing the whole potty training thing, it's just that she recently took an interest into what was going on down there. She grabs her crotch after she poops and anytime she gets her hands on a tissue she wipes her bottom. So we figured we'll just get the potty and set it up and see what happens. Well, it happened today. Kinda freaked me out that she actually did it.

Annoying, part 2

I'm relatively eco-friendly, or at least I try to be. I bring my own cotton groccery bags, I open windows instead of running the AC if I can, Natalie wears cloth diapers, and I've been recycling for ages - from the"Reuse Refill Recycle" poster I had from The Body Shop hanging in my room in junior high to the fact that I just made Natalie a dress out of an old pair of favorite pants. They were so worn the ass shreaded one day and I couldn't bear to throw them out. Thought I'd just salvage all the buttons first, but an hour later, Natalie was the height of eco-friendly fashion.

One of my biggest pet peeves is wasting water. I always turn off water when I brush my teeth or am rinsing dishes. I even practice "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Drives me nuts when I hear Jim turn on the shower and then the next thing I know he's in the kitchen getting a drink while the shower just runs. And when my mother-in-law or sister-in-law are over and in the kitchen, the water just runs and runs and runs. Part of this pet peeve is because I'm cheap and water costs money. We have new neighbors next door. They're Ok, but the people that moved we're awesome, so it's not the same in many ways. One of the ways is that the new people water their lawn. Every Day. We're kind of in a bit of a drought, but not enough for the county to start inforcing water restrictions. But still, this lawn watering is starting to drive me nuts. I'm wondering when they are going to notice that we don't water our lawn and ours is greener than theirs. Go figure. If the county does start imposing water restrictions later this summer, I'm going to be really tempted to be That Neighbor who reports them if they are still doing this!

02 July 2007

Annoying

I frequent Starbucks more than I'd like to admit, especially for someone who is very anti-corporate coffee, and who thinks Starbucks coffee isn't all that great to begin with. But the closest independant coffee shop is in the midst of a new owner redo, and hasn't re-opened yet. The next closest one is 15 min away, which is pathetic since we're in a semi-urban area right outside DC. So Starbucks it is. I don't get fancy drinks, and since I'm so frickin hot all the time, my usual is an iced coffee. I'm a decaf drinker for a few reasons, but especially since I usually go for coffee in the late afternoon or evening. Starbucks doesn't do iced decaf because no one ever asks for it. I find that hard to believe.

What drives me nuts is the annoying look the one barista at our local bucks'o'star gives me when the cashier calls out "Grande iced decaf coffee unsweetened." This barista looks at me with such disdain and says, "We don't DO iced decaf. I can make you an iced Americano." Well, an iced Americano costs more, so my reply is "Can you just put some drip decaf in a cup with ice?" and the barista says with a tone of shear exasperation in her voice "Yeah, but it won't be as strong." Fine with me. This exchange happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. Doesn't happen at Border's where we sometimes hang out on really hot or really wet days. Or at either of my independant coffee shops. They just put the damn decaf in a cup with ice.

On top of all that, this barista who looks at me like I'm some idiot for ordering decaf in the evening, has a moustache. Oh wait, did you catch on to the fact that this barista is a woman? Yeah. I'm the idiot. Perhaps next time I should bring her some cream bleach.

01 July 2007

Happy Blogaversary!

So I'm a few days late. I started this blog at the end of last June. I meant for it to be a place to write about the silly, the random, the things that make you grin, or smirk, or laugh out loud. I wanted it to be a happy place, all rainbows and puppydogs, but it didn't work out that way. Ambitious goals of mine, seeing as how a year ago I was working, with no end in sight, while my laid off husband stayed home to job search and take care of our baby, the child I wanted to be caring for full time, not sitting in a cube wasting my time because my bosses can't get their acts together to actually have any work for me to do. After 5 years there, it no longer felt proactive to continually try and find something to do. You can only clean out the supply closet so many times (I decided I was done doing that when I realized I was about to borrow a label maker and alphabetize our stationary goods). It's much easier to just hide in your cube and surf the web. I felt desparate, like I needed to do something to get me out of that funk. Well, a few months later it was Zoloft that got me out of that funk, not some witty writing I jotted down for all to see online.

And here I am. 130 or so posts later, some good, some bad, all reflective of me, I think. I'm sort of happy, Natalie is a joy, but she also exhausts me. Jim's job is going great (one year in mid-August!), but he's more of a clueless roommate these days instead of a husband. I still feel crappy and tired most of the time, but I must admit the sheer exhaustion isn't as frequent. I'd like to think I'm a little better at not eating my emotions, but then again I just had a fantastic chocolate peanut butter milkshake today from a dairy stand in the middle of nowhere that was worth every single fucking calorie. Hopefully in another year, I'll be thinner, happier, and my marriage will feel more like a partnership and less like an annoyance. Someone dying and leaving us lots of money wouldn't be bad, either, so long is it wasn't anyone I liked.