31 August 2007


My brother called! He's slowly coming back to the family after cutting us all off last summer for ruining his life. You know, because mom and dad "made" him go to church and "made" him swim (forget the fact that he was good enough to make states and had a few college coaches eyeing him for their teams). Turns out he's having his new neighbors over for dinner and needed some ideas on what to cook, so he called me. I'm almost as shocked by his phone call as I am by the fact that he actually has a set of matching dishes, AND that he has the fortitude to invite people over for DINNER. Not beer and a football game, or pizza, but dinner, at a table, with a couple of married people. What is this world coming to?! I'm starting to think maybe hell hath frozen over...

30 August 2007


Just got home from the diner where my neighbor and I and the girls had breakfast. Yum. I haven't had a diner breakfast in so long. Those buttermilk pancakes have wrecked my blood sugar levels for the rest of the day, but I can't help but feel it was sort of worth it. So damn good. The girls had a blast easting together and we're so darn cute it was rediculous. Natalie is already in bed for a nap, and despite having an enormous diet Coke, I think I need a nap too.

Yesterday was therapy, and while I still feel shitty, I am feeling good that my therapist wants to send me to a psychiatrist who specializes in hormones/gynocological issues and the brain. Hopefully she will help a lot, and we can get my meds tweaked and try and figure out what's hormonal, what's chemical, and then once those two are figured out, we can work on the emotional issues.

And we've decided Natalie isn't babbling - she's speaking Swedish. I swear, she sounds like the Swedish chef. It's hysterical.

28 August 2007

Time flies

Yesterday was the first day of school in our county, and Natalie was loving seeing all the buses driving around full of children. Crazy how fast the summer has gone by. I guess because my mom is a teacher, I still think of the year as broken up by the school year. There's just something about when school starts and feeling like summer is officially over, no matter how warm it still is. And summer didn't officially start till the kids were out running around the neighborhood enjoying their freedom all day long. Another thing I realized is that college football season is also a major marker in my year. I grew up in a house with two parents who had graduated from the University of Michigan, and we spent every single Saturday watching games, with me rolling my eyes at my parents who were screaming at the refs and coaches like they were on the sidelines instead of in our family room. So the thought that this Saturday we'll be hunkering down in front of the TV to watch Jim's alma mater play in their first official game of the season blows my mind. Can't believe it's football season already. Then it's going to be Kim's wedding at the end of September, the halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, and before you know it we'll be planning Natalie's 2nd birthday party. Insane.

27 August 2007

Another week

It's monday morning, Natalie is down for a nap already (that's what happens when you get up at 6:30am), I need to hit the gym and the groccery and be home in time for a 2pm work call (perfectly timed to coincide with Sesame Street's afternoon broadcast), then hopefully get the kiddo down for an afternoon nap. All the while nursing a headache I've had since yesterday afternoon. Scratch that, morning. I remember sitting in church wondering if I had any Advil in the car. The weather should be good this week, one of my good friends is moving from Chicago and will be living with another friend a mere 5min drive away. Psyched to see her wednesday and catch up. She's crazy busy, working as a stewardess and taking classes towards her nursing degree. I'm secretly hoping she can squeeze a little babysitting in for me now and then. Wednesday is also therapy (fun times of course). Friday is playgroup again. And then it's a three day weekend for labor day, with one, possibly two BBQs on the agenda.

All that to say I'm trying to stay positive. I still have so many things on that list of mine that it's easy to go in circles because I don't know what to start on first. Of course Jim has decided that now is a good time to pain the kitchen. He decided this not at 9am on Saturday morning when it would have been the perfect time to start the project and be finished by Sunday night. No, he decided this last night, so now it will take him all week and then some to finish. Trying not to let that get to me, but that boy frustrates me to no end these days. I just want to feel productive this week, and I don't know yet what is going to give me that satisfaction.

But before I jump into a project, I'm going to take a cue from Natalie and go take a nap.

24 August 2007


Maybe I just need a new hair cut. With some funky highlights.

I've been planning on cutting my hair off this fall into a nice little angled bob thing, but maybe I need to do it now. The thing is, I like being able to pull it all up, stick a pencil in there and not worry about it in the heat and humidity. Maybe I just need to suck in up in the name of style.

22 August 2007


Natalie is happily amusing her self with the new box of crayons we picked up at the groccery store for a whole 25cents. I think she's ripping all the paper off them, but so what. She's happy, busy, and not whining to be held. I've got chicken cooking for dinner (will turn it into chicken ceasar salads for Jim and I), laundry was done yesterday, and we had a fun morning out at a local coffee shop listening to live kid's music (moderately annoying guy, but Natalie loved being with all the kids, dancing and shaking to the guitar) and talking with a few of my mommy friends.

So why do I feel like crap? Besides the fact that I didn't sleep well last night at all, I don't know. I'm so conflicted. On paper, I have a good life. Husband, beautiful baby, roof, food, adequate income for our needs, family, friends, relative health. But marriage and co-parenting isn't close to what I imagined (maybe it's my friend getting married next month and all her sappy happiness that is making me acutely aware of how dull our lives are)(and the anti-depressants certainly don't help the ole' sex drive). Maybe it's seeing friends with new babies and realizing that I never enjoyed Natalie those first few months due to our breastfeeding struggles, Jim's lay-off, me going back to work, etc. I've only been home with her for a little over a year now, and she's 18 months old. That's her first 8 months that were a blur mixed together with a healthy dose of PPD. I hate being the financial planner for our family - it's one thing to be the person who pays the bills, it's another thing, being 13 years younger than your spouse but still being the one who has to study up on investing and retirement funds and life insurance policies and refinancing the mortgage because your partner couldn't be bothered. I feel like I'm doing more than my fair share if marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership.

I've just never felt so alone. Even on days like today where I connect with other moms and have real grown up conversations, I still end up feeling so shitty for no real reason. I want to be taken care of. By my husband, a friend, my mom. I want to pull away from this world and just rest. Probably an unreasonable request that won't be fullfilled for another 16.5 years, but wouldn't it be nice? Actually, I suppose that want could be fullfilled by a day at a spa - one with an outdoor pool, a long massage, mineral baths, a facial, and a restraunt where I can eat healthy and delicious food in my bath robe. That's a type of alone that I long for. Perhaps I should put in a birthday request a few months early...

21 August 2007

Check up

My peanut really is teeny tiny! At 31.25 inches and 21.5lbs, she's just under the 50th percentile for height and just over the 10th for weight. Dr. M proclaimed her in good health and beautiful, and we don't go back till her 2 year check up. Only one shot today, but I think the whole experience (plus playing with her best friend for an hour after we got home) has tuckered her out and she's already down for a nap. Think I might do the same.

20 August 2007


My crochet skills are slowly improving. I can now crochet in neat, even rows, and make something four sided with actual 90 degree angles. Impressive, I know. My friend is due with her first baby, a girl, in about 2 more months. Her shower is next weekend, so the fact that I finished this blanket with a week to spare is impressive (the last baby blanket I made I was up the night before trying to iron it out so it wasn't so wonky looking). If I have time, I might even whip up a little matching hat, too. She's having a girl, but I didn't know this at the time, so I started with nice neutral colors and girlied it up a bit by weaving a ribbon around the edges (if it turned out to be a boy I would have used a blue ribbon, no bows). I originally was going for lavender, but feel in love with the celery green with polka-dots. I'm a sucker for anything grosgrain.


We're having a bit of a cold snap right now, at least for august. Highs are only in the mid-70s and I'm loving it. It's overcast, I can open windows, we don't need to run the A/C, and there is rain in the forcast for most of the week. Perfect weather for curling up with a good book and then falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon. We need this so bad, as we're in a drought and the plants are slowly withering away. I am also enjoying the break from the heat and humidity. It was so nice today to go do errands and not worry about getting them done before the heat of the day, or finding parking that's shaded. Nice also to wear jeans and a t-shirt instead of my usual shorts and a tank top. Nice to not be sweating the second I walk out the door. Sadly, it's supposed to be up to 90 on thursday, but for the next two days, I'm going to savor the chill in the air and try to relax as much as I can.

Natalie has her 18 month check up tomorrow! So excited to show her off at the doctor's office!!

17 August 2007

Pet Peeve

We need two of our trees trimmed - the odd shaped cherry tree in the front is desperate for a big cutting back, and the dogwood on the side of the house is half dead (fingers crossed it doesn't have the dogwood disease that's native to this area). Good news is we have a friend who is a licensed arborist, and he and his outdoorsy wife are coming over tomorrow morning to take care of our trees. For the enormous cost of $30, which is how much I spent at the groccery to put together a nice brunch for all of us when they are done. That's all the payment they would take. I think we'll keep them as friends.

The bad news is, our friend is totally a guy's guy, and he announces to me on the phone that he just started the South Beach diet and so he's really only eating meat and vegetables these days. So while (a) he's cutting our trees for free, (b) I eat low-carb myself and (c) I had a reasonably healthy brunch planned of whole wheat french toast with berries, sausages, coffee, and low sugar OJ, I had to go and rethink what I was going to make.

I first thought, no biggee, I'll just make a crustless quiche. So really, his dietary restrictions aren't that big of a deal. There's just something about saying, "This day is a good day to do that favor for you, but I'm on a diet so you have to cook according to my specifications." Maybe it's because I've been dieting and trying to do low carb/sugar free for so long and have never felt the need (or wanted) to announce my dietary habits to my host. They probably notice when I take a hamburger but no bun and pass on dessert (or offer to bring something that I make sugar free myself), but maybe not.

I really had my heart set on the french toast. I make wicked french toast - the trick is cinnamon and vanilla in your egg and milk mixture. And I had just made a quiche for dinner earlier this week. So I decided to say fuck it and we'll all have french toast as planned (I have a nice big loaf of organic, un-sliced whole wheat waiting for it), and I'll just whip up an omlette for the arborist. And if he gets pissy about being on a diet and watching people eat tastier food, too bad. Welcome to my world.

(Really, I'm not a mean person. This is just irking me and I had to get it out!)

15 August 2007

Good day

This morning was therapy, which is always a barrel of monkeys, and afterwards Natalie and I explored a new park (new to Natalie at least) and then hit a nearby store to pick up a wedding present for the shower I'm going to this weekend. Came home and played with my neighbor and her daughter and the girls were just cracking us up, especially Natalie who was walking around the dining room like a ghost with a bedsheet over her head, laughing hysterically. That child is crazy sometimes. But all the activity meant she went out like a light for her nap and I hope she stays out for at least a little while longer. Then it's off to the groccery. Woohoo! Don't you just envy my life?

Tomorrow my parents are coming for a visit. We have plans to be evil (so evil, you would say it's eeevil, like the fru-its of the deveeeel, eeevil). Bwahahaha...Jim doesn't know they are coming. They had planned to come out for a day sometime when they were at their bay house for a long spell, as they have a sandbox for Natalie that doesn't fit in our cars but fits in their SUV. Then I said, "Hmm, I could use your help if you come on a weekday!" So tomorrow we are moving furniture, I'm going to get my dad to hang some stuff that requires drywall screws, and a few other things like that. All stuff that would be like pulling teeth to get Jim to do/help with. He'll just come home to find I've done all this. He's probably not going to like it, but how much can he say with his in-laws right there? Especially after I put up with his mom for 2 weeks. Heh.

13 August 2007


We took Jim's mom to the airport today.

I don't care how much you love (or are annoyed by) someone, two weeks is way too long for anybody to be a house guest. Now I can get back to my routine. Whew.

09 August 2007

18 months old

Natalie, sweet Natalie, you are officially a year and a half old today! Crazy shit, if you ask me. Like always, I'm in shock at how fast you are growing. I held your friend's baby sister on monday, all 2 weeks old and 10lbs of her, and couldn't believe that you were SMALLER at that age. She was so soft and cuddly and just layed in my arms sleeping the morning away, while you and her big sister played together, held hands, and conversed in your little toddler babble language. 18 short months, and what changes. Amazing.

One of the biggest things lately is your vocabulary. Mamma and daddy really need to start watching their language because we really don't want you to start dropping the f-bomb anytime soon. You babble almost non-stop these days, and it seems like everyday is a new word. Hi, bye-bye, yes, no, night-night, mamma, daddy, woof, car, vroom, banana, yellow, blueberries, water, beach, meow, cow, moo, cracker, nose, eye, ear, hat, shoe, button, down, yougert, light, tweet, and a few more I know I'm forgetting. The really crazy thing is all that you understand even if you can't speak it yet.

You are still exhausting to care for, as your energy just explodes out of your little body all day long. But all that energy and joy is wonderful to watch. You eat non-stop, too. I've stopped planning my days around your meal times, and just feed you before we go out and make sure I've packed at least two snacks and something to drink. The good thing is that I've gotten better at wearing you out, which is hard in this heat and it's too oppressive to go outside. We've become pros at hanging out at the mall, something I haven't done as much of since I was in junior high and had fist fulls of babysitting money to spend on crap like really scary dangly earings and crazy socks.

I love you to pieces sweet Natalie, and I'm not the only one. You have so many other friends and family who are pulling for you and praying for the best.

07 August 2007


It is so fucking hot out. Hit the high 90s today with insane humidity, and tomorrow they are saying it might break the record of 101. I feel really bad for the weatherman as I'm sure I'm not the only one tempted to leave flaming bags of dog poo on his front stoop.

Trying to determine where the coolest place around is and am then going to camp out there all day tomorrow. We hit the mall today, which used to be a fun outing, but now it's loosing its luster. Except that I see it as a good excuse to treat myself to some iced coffee. Thinking that one of my fav coffee shops has high ceilings and concrete floors and would probably be pretty cold, especially if I treated myself to one of their delish salads and some iced tea for lunch. Mmmm, and there's a creamery next door where I can get ice cream if I'm still swealtering afterwards.

5 more days with the mother in law - she visited some family in Delaware today so it was kind of nice to have a day just me and Natalie. But I'm determined to make the most of her visit and get a lot done this week while I have her to babysit, including taking some time out for myself, alone. Heavenly.

05 August 2007


Bless Jim's selfish little heart, he needed some cave time and decided to do it at the mall and take Natalie with him. So I'm home alone, doing laundry, checking email, catching up on blog reading, all those other simple tasks that become so complicated when you have to wrangle a toddler at the same time. I hope they have fun and I hope he doesn't come home with something stupid we really don't need no matter how much on sale it was.

We spent the weekend at my parents vacation house on the bay - and by "we" I mean my parents, me, Jim, Natalie, Jim's mom (who is still here for another week), and Jim's sister. I've been crampy and bloaty all weekend, on top of having headache on friday and not sleeping well the first night we were there at all. Then it was hot as sin out and we watched a parade in that weather and did lots of walking. I just don't do well constantly surrounded by people. I need to be by myself to recharge.

But there's nothing like having one of those quiet times ruined. Natalie was napping and people were out exploring the beach and what not, and I'm sitting at the table alone with some tea and the weekend crossword puzzle when my mom comes and joins me. Not to chat, but to ask me why I'm so depressed and not myself this weekend. She didn't buy the reasons I mentioned above, instead telling me that maybe I need more or different therapy/therapist, or a change in medication. She wants to be supportive and I know she means well, but it makes me want to cry. I try to hide it, but that's not always possible, and having your mom call you on it somehow makes it more real. Jim hasn't even caught on that I'm really feeling crappy lately, yet mom picked up on it in less than 24 hours.

So that leaves me here, home alone, in the quiet, waiting for the rain to come that is forcasted for this evening. I want to curl up in bed and not come out for a week. I want Jim to take charge of Natalie for the evening. I want someone else to cook dinner and finish the laundry and unpack my bags for me. I don't know what all this means, but I want it to go away.

02 August 2007

Still here

Dinner for 4 at a local diner/sports bar: $37

The look on my mother-in-law's face when she saw the sign saying "appropriate attire required" and then looked down at her sleeveless sweater, shorts, and sneakers and seriously wondered if she'd be allowed in: priceless