22 August 2007


Natalie is happily amusing her self with the new box of crayons we picked up at the groccery store for a whole 25cents. I think she's ripping all the paper off them, but so what. She's happy, busy, and not whining to be held. I've got chicken cooking for dinner (will turn it into chicken ceasar salads for Jim and I), laundry was done yesterday, and we had a fun morning out at a local coffee shop listening to live kid's music (moderately annoying guy, but Natalie loved being with all the kids, dancing and shaking to the guitar) and talking with a few of my mommy friends.

So why do I feel like crap? Besides the fact that I didn't sleep well last night at all, I don't know. I'm so conflicted. On paper, I have a good life. Husband, beautiful baby, roof, food, adequate income for our needs, family, friends, relative health. But marriage and co-parenting isn't close to what I imagined (maybe it's my friend getting married next month and all her sappy happiness that is making me acutely aware of how dull our lives are)(and the anti-depressants certainly don't help the ole' sex drive). Maybe it's seeing friends with new babies and realizing that I never enjoyed Natalie those first few months due to our breastfeeding struggles, Jim's lay-off, me going back to work, etc. I've only been home with her for a little over a year now, and she's 18 months old. That's her first 8 months that were a blur mixed together with a healthy dose of PPD. I hate being the financial planner for our family - it's one thing to be the person who pays the bills, it's another thing, being 13 years younger than your spouse but still being the one who has to study up on investing and retirement funds and life insurance policies and refinancing the mortgage because your partner couldn't be bothered. I feel like I'm doing more than my fair share if marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership.

I've just never felt so alone. Even on days like today where I connect with other moms and have real grown up conversations, I still end up feeling so shitty for no real reason. I want to be taken care of. By my husband, a friend, my mom. I want to pull away from this world and just rest. Probably an unreasonable request that won't be fullfilled for another 16.5 years, but wouldn't it be nice? Actually, I suppose that want could be fullfilled by a day at a spa - one with an outdoor pool, a long massage, mineral baths, a facial, and a restraunt where I can eat healthy and delicious food in my bath robe. That's a type of alone that I long for. Perhaps I should put in a birthday request a few months early...


Mac's niece said...

Dear Katie,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. It is sooo hard having a family, and there are so many hurdles and so many comparisons with life before it all happened. I got post natal depression when my little chap was 11 months old - so much later than most people and so I felt I was putting it on, and that it was not really valid.

Many of your comments strike a chord with me. Some of my struggles were different e.g. my husband was away 5 days a week (and still is) but many sound the same.

I went to a help group where a small group of women talked over their depression, the roots of it and how it affected them. This was led by a health worker, nurse and social worker.

I realsised that the bit where life looks good on paper but does not feel good is a valid feeling, and should not be ignored.

For me the route out involved joining a mums and tots group that I really liked (I tried a few that just did not work for me) and volunteering at our local toy library - that way I was working 1/2 day a week and feeling useful, but it was somewhere I could take my child as well.

It's an uphill struggle, but you can do it. Life will never be the same as it was, and those of your friends who are just getting married, or just have their new borns will go through some version of what we are talking about.

Take heart. You are a funny, intelligent, capable and likeable person - heck, I've never met you and I like you loads. You are doing a great job with Natalie. If you ever need to talk more than as in a blog, please email me, I'd love to listen. My email is n dot browne at consult-me dot co dot uk.

And I'm so thrilled that you like the idea of a scarf exchange... I too need a new project to lift me after the last few weeks, and I am so happy to share one with you. Let me know your favourite colours and if you like chunky or lacy and light.

Keep at it. And do ask for that Spa day, it sounds heavenly and could be just the thing.

Lots of love,

Katie said...

Thanks for your vote of support. It is hard - gosh, my husband would be drowning if we had to switch places for a week!! I'm so thankful for my neighbor and her daughter and our other mom friends who get together about once a week. They are my little breath of sanity.

What kind of colors and textures are you into? I like earth tones and things with some heft to them - nothing too lacy and frilly. And I like looooong scarves, the kind you can wrap around a few times. This will be fun!!