26 September 2007


Not sure if I'm more excited about new Ugly Betty tomorrow, or about the fact that we're leaving for a three day mini-break on friday.

Out of town wedding = Lots of friends, new shoes, new dress, lots of wine, dancing, and a cabin on the lake with a hot tub. Not to mention the other grown ups staying at the cabin with us which means mamma gets to get out by herself for a bit while others babysit. Many pictures to come, I'm sure.

25 September 2007


Beyond the 4am wakeup by someone who wanted "roo-roo*? pees? couch? mamma? pees? pees? dis? couch? roo-roo?" till 5:30, the day re-started around 8 and was going well through lunch time. We met a friend at her house and from there pushed strollers into the little town nearby, got coffee, played on the playground, went to the consignment shop, made friend jealous because there were some seriously cute girl clothes and she only found a preppy little sweater vest for her son. Then to the mommy consignment shop where I actually for the first time ever found something - a J. Jill quilted corderoy jacket in sage green for $22 (I think I never find anything there because the clothes consigned in my gigantic size are from frumpy old ladies). Then back up and down the neighborhood hills to my friends house, where we played with Veronica the mutt who is the sweetest dog in the world (and I am not a dog person). Natalie was exhausted and went down for a two hour nap. And somehow, during those two hours, my mood did a 180 and I have no idea why. I'm in such a funk now, and was so drained all afternoon, emotionally and physically, I just want to cry.

And that is why I'm so fucking excited for my appointment in a week and a half with the shrink who specializes in issues of the head in relation to hormones. I'm so curious to see what she has to say. I'm hopeful good comes out of it, but I'm also scared that I'm going to be told "sorry, you're fine, stop eating the chocolate and work out two hours a day and you'll lose the weight and feel better." Fingers crossed.

*Roo-roo = Nursing. Don't ask.

24 September 2007


I should just quit blogging and put up a big sign that says "Go here now."Quote from today: "...Most days with a toddler are the emotional equivalent of running over your skull with a car."

Natalie did not take a nap on saturday, despite spending all day surrounded by the glory and the insanity that is Hersheypark (free tickets from Jim's work). Not even in the car on the ride home, which meant her dinner was animal crackers since I hadn't packed dinner, assuming she'd be so pooped she'd sleep the whole way home, and when we got there, I'd give her a light dinner, play a bit, and then put her down for the night. Sunday: No nap. She did play in her crib for almost an hour, but then stupid stupid me thought the quiet eminating from her room meant she was asleep, instead it meant she was laying there playing with her toes. So when I stuck my head in to check on her, she saw me, and the screaming started. And if two days of high energy and no nap weren't enough, today she decided 5:12am was a good time to get up. No amount of nursing or stories or looking outside at the pitch dark neighborhood helped. Did you know there is an airing of Sesame Street on at 5:30am? Thank God, as I had to throw in the towel.

Thankfully the day got better as we met some mommies and babies for coffee/breakfast and a walk, followed by a trip to the groccery, which so tired the little creature out she slept for just over 3 hours (I slept for an hour and a half then ate a bowl of cereal for lunch, by myself, on the couch, while watching a CSI: Miami rerun). Afterwards we did some errands - which included some sale rack shopping - came home and played across the street with friends and then called it a day. The only thing is, I've got to stop this shopping thing. You can see the course of my moods on the credit card statement - the bad weeks where I'd give my left leg for chocolate fudge, are the ones where I've spent money on things we only sort of need in an effort to not eat my emotions. I spend them instead. Oh well. So now Natalie has some new socks and a hat to wear this weekend (since it will be chilly in the evenings when we're in NY) and I've got a new hoodie (old ones are too teeny for my gargantuan body) and two new tees. Nothing fancy, but they will look fun when it gets cooler and I can use them for layering.

19 September 2007

Losing my mind

Natalie decided to get up at 3:30 this morning. After two hours of cajoling and cuddling and reading, I gave up and fed her breakfast, which she ate entirely with much aplomb. Finally got her back down around 7, only to have her up by 8:45. Which sucked, as I had hoped to sneak a shower in before she woke, so I had to take her in the shower with me, which takes away the fun of using my sea salt exfoliator and standing under the steaming hot water till my skin turns red. She used to just play in the bathroom while I took a quicky, but one day she decided to try and climb in with me (fully dressed of course), and from then on, if she's awake and I need a shower, she has to be in there with me. Then we went to music class at 10, only to find out I had signed up for the 9am class. Opps. Yup, that's me, the idiot mom. Thank goodness the teacher was kind and didn't mind one bet, especially as Natalie was by far the cutest and most engaging child there (I'm not making that up - most of the other kids just sat like lumps in their parental laps).

Fast forward to tonight. After the electritian was here installing the new downstairs bathroom exhaust fan (after Jim spent all weekend redoing the duct work for it) yesterday, today we had the appliance repair guy here to fix the kitchen exhaust fan (got it apart to find more to the job than expected so he has to go reorder parts) and currently Jim is up in the attic with Carlos the HVAC guy. $400 from now we will have a new motor, but he has to come back soon for $700 because the coils and some sort of internal filter are so dirty and moldy and narsty they need to be removed and acid washed and then put back in. Great. And while all this is going on, I spent 45 minutes trying to get Natalie to a place where I could put her down without her screaming bloody murder. I swear she's sit in my lap and read books forever, which is kinda nice, but far from realistic. 12 minutes of banshee level screaming later, she's sacked out. Duh, she's exhausted from her 3:30am wake up earlier. Why the fight?

So I'm delerious, was hoping to finish sewing something tonight but I don't think I could walk a straight line, let alone stitch something evenly. Tomorrow there is nothing planned except a trip to the Y, and friday is more of the same, except Lara the sweetest babysitter ever is coming and I'm going to get a hair cut. Off. All of it. Like 10-12 inches. I think this is some sort of mid-life crisis 10 years early. As if the hot flashers weren't enough.

18 September 2007


So much to say, can't get my thoughts straight.

Natalie has been teething again and I had two bad nights of sleep in a row. We went to the zoo yesterday and I spent 3 hours trying to tire her out. Instead, I'm the one who needed a nap afterwards while she played in her crib, reading and talking to all her little stuffed friends. No idea what we're going to do today.

12 September 2007


Here I am, sitting at home, typing away at my work, while Natalie plays with a relative stranger, the first of three, possibly four, mother’s helper candidates. I’m having serious doubts about this. I feel like if over the next three days, I can get a lot of things crossed off my to-do list (both work and home related), then maybe I won’t get a permanent mother’s helper to come on a weekly basis, even for just one morning. But then again, I’d like to reach a place where I trust this stranger, who becomes not just some person I found on craigslist, but a friend to me and Natalie, someone respectful of our modest home, caring, kind, and energetic. Once I feel that level of trust, I look forward to having someone come once a week so I can do crazy things like go get a hair cut, or go to the dentist, or even sit over coffee with a book by myself. Modest requests, I think, but somehow there is guilt in my head that makes me feel like I don’t deserve or need those things and that time alone. It’s hard finding balance between giving your daughter the best you can offer and not losing yourself in the process. Not that I am so high maintenance being a mother gets in the way of all my daily primping and pampering and luxuries. Natalie needs a mamma who feels good about her self, who doesn’t always feel anxious and stressed, and if I need one morning off by myself to get in the right frame of mind, then that’s what Natalie needs.

09 September 2007


Cost to diagnose our A/C problem (massively burned out motor and a crappy attic fan on its last leg): $85

Cost for two used A/C window units found on craigslist: $130

One speeding ticket, given to Jim, going 83 in a 55, while trying to get home from East Bumblefuck, VA where one of the units was: at least $150

Gas to go 100+ miles round trip to East Bumblefuck: $15

Total cost: $380

Cost to just repair the damn things: $120 more

So total spent on box units and gas and speeding tickets, not to mention the stretch on my sanity this whole damn thing will cost once the A/C is fixed: $880

If I strangled my husband and pleaded insanity, would the courts take my side? I think so, especially as the air conditioning debacle is on top of the $900 he dropped earlier in the week on a digital camera for his photo business he thinks he's going to start on the side. Meanwhile, I'm driving around in my 14 year old car that currently has a busted radio. Bitter? No, not me. Never. Uh-huh.

19 months of thankful

08 September 2007


Went out last night for the first time in ages. Not on a date with my husband, but with the girls. And without babies. Had 2.5 margaritas. Excellent. We sat around our table for THREE HOURS. We talked, shared stories, bonded, it was great. I love those ladies and am so thankful they are in my life.

But, I woke up a half hour ago or so to a wierd smell in the house. Tried to turn the A/C fan on to dissipate the odor while I tried to figure out what it was. Seems that the A/C fan didn't want to turn on at all, so I think we've got a burnt out motor up there somewhere. The unit is up in the attic, so it's hard to assess. Googled the HVAC company my neighbors used and recommended and they don't start answering their phones for another 45 minutes. Fingers crossed that the money earmarked for replacing my 14 year old car in the next month doesn't turn into replacing the A/C instead.

05 September 2007

Bad mamma

Natalie has officially started peanut butter. I'm sure some parents will say I might as well just stab her in the heart with a rusty knife. Peanut butter has become so demonized in our American society. Not that I'm saying peanut allergies are something to take lightly - one of my best friends is allergic and all her friends know she keeps an epi-pen in her purse and we all sort of know how to use it if we ever (knock on wood) have to. The advice to parents is not to give peanut butter to children till they are at least 3 years old. But the small print that nobody tells you is that this advice applies to children that are high risk. Well, Natalie is not high risk. We have no food allergies in either of our families, and no allergies at all except Jim's one for cats (which isn't that bad, they just make him sneeze a lot - I think it's more because he just doesn't like cats). So I gave her peanut butter. She thought it was the greatest thing since strawberries. I was at a loss for things to give her that would fill her up. She already has protein at most every meal, and snacks on cheese at least once a day. She'd graze on crackers and cheerios all the time if I let her, so my thought process said maybe she'd stop grazing if she had a more filling snack of crackers and peanut butter first. I eat natural peanut butter - the kind where the ingredients label says "peanuts, salt." Jim thinks it's nasty, I read the label a few years back on a jar of his Jif and that skeeved me out. All the chemicals and partially hydroginated stuff is just wrong. Natalie will just have to learn to like natural peanut butter. I take that back - she already loves it. Can't wait to get my first dirty look by another mom at the park or something when they notice what I'm feeding her. Oh well. I'll probably let her get a tattoo whenever she wants, too.

03 September 2007

Help is on the way!

On a lark, I put an ad on craig's list looking for a mother's helper. I don't really want to hire someone I don't know, I'd rather hire someone from church or who is recommended to me through someone I know. So I made it a very specific ad, added that I'd prefer a student, even a high schooler, that it's not for all that many hours a week, and this morning: 7 responses. Woohoo! The one I'm leaning towards is the 13 year old girl who is part of a mentoring program at a DC school, who is trying to save money for a competition. My second favorite is the 19 year old college freshman who asked if males count as mother's helpers because he's interested. Fingers crossed someone works out!

02 September 2007

Joys of breastfeeding a toddler

Nothing like getting out of a nice long hot shower, sitting down on the bed, and leaning over to put lotion on your legs when SURPRISE! This little person sneaks up and latches on for a snack. Nice.