12 September 2007

Thoughts

Here I am, sitting at home, typing away at my work, while Natalie plays with a relative stranger, the first of three, possibly four, mother’s helper candidates. I’m having serious doubts about this. I feel like if over the next three days, I can get a lot of things crossed off my to-do list (both work and home related), then maybe I won’t get a permanent mother’s helper to come on a weekly basis, even for just one morning. But then again, I’d like to reach a place where I trust this stranger, who becomes not just some person I found on craigslist, but a friend to me and Natalie, someone respectful of our modest home, caring, kind, and energetic. Once I feel that level of trust, I look forward to having someone come once a week so I can do crazy things like go get a hair cut, or go to the dentist, or even sit over coffee with a book by myself. Modest requests, I think, but somehow there is guilt in my head that makes me feel like I don’t deserve or need those things and that time alone. It’s hard finding balance between giving your daughter the best you can offer and not losing yourself in the process. Not that I am so high maintenance being a mother gets in the way of all my daily primping and pampering and luxuries. Natalie needs a mamma who feels good about her self, who doesn’t always feel anxious and stressed, and if I need one morning off by myself to get in the right frame of mind, then that’s what Natalie needs.

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