31 October 2007

Happy Halloween!


Who gave her caffeine?

How on earth is a toddler able to go full steam ahead from the minute she wakes up at 6:30am, through music class, yard work, sandbox playing, lunch, etc. till she crashes at 12:30 for a nap? I was ready to kick the bucket by 10, so thank goodness sesame street was on at that time and we could at least have a short time out where I didn't need to be the focus of her energy and her mimicing cookie monster and elmo was enough of an outlet to allow me to plop on the couch and catch my breath. Praying today is one of those 3 hour nap days.

30 October 2007

If I had a million dollars...

Ever think about winning the lottery? Not that I even play the lottery or would even know how to play. A million dollars to spend would be easy. 10% to give away, pay off the mortgage, finally fix up all the crap in this house that needs fixing, then use the rest to set up college trust funds for Natalie, her 3 cousins, and one or two additional fictional children still in my ovaries and maybe just in case my spinster sister-in-law ever gets married and/or adopts. They can all get an ivy league education. Or go to art school. Or explore europe for 4 years. Whatever.

Now ten million would really be awesome. We'd do the same as with a million, but obviously more would be given away, probaly to our churches first and then to some causes we appreciate/support/agree with. House paid off, college educations taken care of. We'd still have a nice nest egg left to invest. After upgrading our 10+ year old cars to something newer, hybrid, and maybe a fun third car just for kicks (like a vintage mini!), we'd take a month or four to go on vacation in europe - rent a villa in itally or a flat in paris, that sort of thing. But here's the crazy part: I don't see me being the type to move into a mansion and go flat out nutso fabulous buying shoes worth an entire paycheck and all. What I want to do? I would buy a classic 6 in some swanky neighborhood in Manhattan. Furnish it with basics from pottery barn or crate'n'barrel, and fill the rest with antiques or kitchy things I find at flea markets or estate sales. We'd take the train back and forth and since we'd be multi-millionaires, we could splurge and take the acela instead of regular old amtrack. Friends and family would be welcome to join us for long weekends, holidays, or borrow the place themselves.

I think what this really is is a running away fantasy. Not that I want to escape my life, but more like if money wasn't an option, what would I do instead. I love the anonymity of a place like NYC, I would love to spend my days trolling little boutiques and secret troves of treasures - furniture, fabric, clothing, shoes, vintage, retro, etc. To have the money to go freely there on a whim, to hire a cleaning person so I wouldn't have to worry about this house or my fantasy one on the upper east side. To show Natalie the wonders of the city, but also be able to hire a really fun and funky grad student to babysit so I could take time to sit in little coffee shops with good books to read or writing to dollop in. And this time would be guilt free because I wouldn't have to hold a paying job or have to keep up with the housekeeping/laundry and all that I currently abhore. So I could truly relax, something that I think is at the heart of this whole fantasy.

More realisticly, I fantasize about the day we no longer need to rent out the basement apt in our house to pay the mortgage. When we can spread out, and not feel like we are living in a 3 bedroom apt with a yard. When we can get the yard under control and make it feel more like a place you'd like to hang out and not a jungle in bad need of a controlled burn. When there is room in this house and our bank account for a second baby, when I'm blogging from the downstairs guest room/office/sewing room instead of the itty third bedroom which would have a baby in it and curious george prints on the walls and a perky soft rug over the hard wood floors. That's really what I want. That and for everything in my head to straighten out. And to weigh 50lbs less. Hope that's no asking too much...

29 October 2007

Feeling

Blah blah blah blah blah headache blah blah blah mother-in-law blah blah airport tomorrow blah blah blah blah blah period blah chocolate blah advil blah blah blah blah blah tired blah blah blah blah blah halloween blah no costume blah blah blah sad blah blah fat blah blah shopping blah blah blah blah blah.

26 October 2007

Yuck

We are changing up my meds. I'm down to half a dose of zoloft and double the cymbalta that we started with 2 weeks ago. I think that, plus a few days of rainy weather, has been enough to make me feel thoroughly shitty. On the plus side, new doc says when I see her again in 2 weeks, I should definately be feeling an improvement. Hope is on the horizon, but I just need to survive another day. Thank goodness my lovely babysitter is here this morning, and now that I have finished editing something and sent it off for comments, I'm going to go do errands. By myself. Shopping is a pain with a toddler sometimes, and any sort of errands in the rain with a toddler just sucks. I must find a halfway decent pair of pants I can wear to church, and maybe a twinset or something for on top that isn't a t-shirt or a buttondown shirt that no longer buttons across my wide personage. Hopefully the meds will kick everything into gear in my head and the weight issues will start to be more manageable. I really want to fit back into my kicky wide leg tweed trousers this winter. They will look smashing with the rediculous red patent leather peep toe pumps I got to wear to my friend's wedding last month.

I'm also going to hit the fabric store. That place is like a crack house to me. I've got a coupon and somebody little needs a christmas dress!

24 October 2007

College

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. More often than not, it was rockin. I have so many fond memories that I'm constantly reminded of friends, parties, even classes and professors. I met so many amazing people, smooched a fair amount of boys, and really found myself. When I feel like I've lost myself lately to motherhood, marriage, depression, stress, it's that me from senior year I look back on fondly as the me I'd like to be someday again.

I looked forward to alumni weekend this year, and the fact that it would be Natalie's first trip to my alma mater that wasn't in utero (last year it was rainy and we had an 8 month old so we didn't bother - this year the weather was perfect for a football game and lots of outdoors exploring). I went to a smallish liberal arts college, one of many of it's high caliber in PA. Gorgeous campus, too. I'm still good friends with the professor I worked for for 4 years and she hadn't met Natalie yet either. What I didn't tell Jim is that there were a few people, 2 in particular, that I was praying would be there.

These two people were my "big brothers." T and B were two years ahead of me. I had a HUGE crush on T, but we became really good friends and I love him to pieces for it. B liked me, but he was a bit of a skank as boys go, so I wouldn't go out with him. He kept up the flirting (which is always fun), and that turned into a friendship, and I got to see a soft, sensitive, truthful side of him that many didn't know existed. At one point we were so close as just friends I had his girlfriends entire sorority glaring at me around campus. For some reason I was really proud of this. T went off to med school to do research in pediatric medicine (he's a total smarty pants) and B went to law school and actually got married. The problem with being best friends with boys? They suck at keeping in touch. Yea, I may google them from time to time, but I don't have the guts to go so far as sending that dorky email that says "hey, remember me?"

I think I wanted to see them so bad because I'm missing the me that they knew. Somehow if I had seen them, maybe it would bring out a side of me that Jim doesn't know is there yet, and thus give him a new appreciation for the dynamic person his wife once was. Not to mention the big hugs I'd get, and the pride I'd have at showing off Natalie to them, whom I know they would be thrilled to meet. Oh well. Maybe next year.

22 October 2007

Meds

So it's been almost two weeks of the new meds. Not sure what to think yet. Yes, they can take up to 6 weeks to reach full potential and yes, I'm still on the old stuff which gives me hot flashes and makes me not give a shit about things. (Natalie just appeared at the office door with a pair of pants from her hamper on her head like a hat - this is apparently the height of refined humor in the toddler world) I'm trying not to think too hard about things, like "am I really feeling better or is it only the yummy dinner I just ate?" but I really really really want this to work. If anything, I feel more emotional. Usually that would be a bad thing, but since I couldn't muster the strength to feel anything but exhaustion previously, the fact that I start to tear up at sappy commercials about baby lotion or soup could be a sign we're going in the right direction.

I've got a pounding headache right now, second day in a row. It's warm out and the mosquitos are buzzing furiously, so we had to ixnay the andboxsay this afternoon because Natalie is a mossie magnet. Which leaves me over an hour till dinner and longer till Jim gets home in which to figure out something to do. I paid bills barely this month, so shopping is definately out right now. Blech. Maybe it will just have to be a PBS afternoon.

21 October 2007

Ketchup and relish

So much to think about, so much to do, not sure where to start.

1) thoughts on the new meds as I have a check up with the new doc on wednesday
2) will I make it through the 10 days my neighbor/current best friend is out of town?
3) it's half way between when I made my "things to do before I turn 30 list" and when I actually turn 30 - have I even come close to any of them?
4) alumni weekend - not all I had hoped, and why do I still hold out certain hopes?

And on top of all that, my mother in law will be here tues-wed and then next week mon-wed. The inbetween time will be spent at a spiritial retreat with my sister in law. Part of that retreat is giving the go-er (MIL - SIL is working the retreat) letters from friends and family expressing how we all feel about her and what a great person she is. Problem is, I still don't really have a relationship with this woman whom I've only ever been in the same state as a handful of times in the 6 years since Jim and I started dating. Not to mention that I couldn't be more different than her daughter and I always feel like I'm being compared to my sister in law, and the fact that I'm not in the best of places with her son/my husband these days, so anything I came up with to write about seemed so fake and untrue. Oh well. So I made her letter up. What kills me is that she will have no clue and will thank me profusely for the kind words I said. Blech. Why is there so much conflict in my head?

17 October 2007

Fun times

Went to the farm yesterday...

This is what it takes - 2 hours of running around looking at animals and hay stacks and other children and rocks and dirt and scarecrows and of course pumpkins to get her to sleep for 2 hours. I, of course, was also exhausted. But she loved every minute of it and that's awesome.

15 October 2007

Blog action day

Woohoo! Go earth!

Ok, so I was a dork way back in junior high who won a poster contest celebrating the 20th anniversary of earth day. Got a cool t-shirt. I used to also shop at the body shop before it became a staple at malls across America. I think I may still have their endangered species socks, but their reduce, reuse, recycle boxers are long gone. I've always recycled, mom was the only composter in the neighborhood, and we didn't get a dryer till I was in college. People wondered why I never took laundry home over breaks, and it was because it was so much easier doing it in the dorms with a clothes dryer than having to hang it out on the line at home.

I wouln't say I'm a crazy green fanatic, but so many "green" things to do that are kind of trendy now are sensible. I'm a lover of logic and efficiency and am just a wee bit anal retentive. Switching to the new flouresent bulbs just makes sense - you save money, they give off less heat, and they last longer. Duh, this is a no brainer. I've always turned off the water while brushing my teeth and while loading the dishwasher. So it's good to conserve. It also saves money. I bring my own canvas groccery bags. I walk whenever I can. We cloth diapered for the first 17months of Natalie's life (until her poop outlet became more than I could keep up with). Maybe it's my frugality that is at the bottom of all my "green" activites. But not all of it. It goes beyond just being good to the earth.

I'm really against mass consumerism and this "gotta have it" society we live in. Maybe it was becoming a parent and having so much stuff pushed at you, like your baby was going to turn into a dunce and never make it into community college if you didn't get X, Y, and Z. And the way advertisers lay on the guilt about bad parents who don't do this or that for their children and need their product to be a good parent. I shop consignment for most all of Natalie's clothes and even toys. We have 3 great consignment shops around here. Besides it being kind of a sport - finding great deals on clothes/brands that you know you'd never spend the money on retail priced versions, but for $2? Heck yea!- it feels good to not be buying into the big name stores and their flashy advertising and all, not to mention it's way cheaper.

There you have it. I'm definately more green than many, but in some ways not as green as I'd like (I'm dying to put solar panals on my south facing roof, but have you seen how expensive that is to install? We're already on a tight budget). I'm proud that some of my green habits have rubbed off on my husband, and I hope more do in the future. I'm also glad that my daughter is growing up in an era where she may be thought of as having a cool earthy mom for hanging clothes on a line, instead of being the dorky kid whose parents couldn't afford a clothes dryer.

11 October 2007

Relief

Yesterday I went to the new shrink. It was the best thing I have done for myself in who knows how long. Everything she said, everything I described, there was a reason behind it. Turns out some of the apathy I feel often is due to the zoloft. And being hot all the time? That's zoloft too. We're switching me to cymbalta, which I try not to laugh about because that's the drug that has really cheesy commercials with this overly dramatic music. I also now have in my chart by a medical professional that I suffer from major depressive disorder. It is so damn freeing to know that all these things I've been dealing with and feeling guilty about? They aren't my fault. There really truly is something chemically wrong in my head and it's OK because I have a doctor who is going to be proactive about getting things straight up there. She also takes a holistic approach to her practice, and will be getting in contact with my gynocologist and my endocrinologist before I see her again in two weeks. She wants to make sure we're approaching this from all angles. She hopes to increas my thyroid meds and smidge and perhaps start me on metformin/glucophage for PCOS and insulin resistance control. And she was pleased with the amount I work out, but my orders are to just get out and walk for 40 minutes 4 times a week. She said not to change my clothes or make an ordeal out of it if I don't want to, but to just get out. I'm loving her already. This is going to be a really good step. I'm hoping this is the lowest I'll be for a long time, if not forever. It's all uphill.

10 October 2007

20 months

Natalie, yesterday you turned 20 months old. It's been absolutely crazy lately, and I can't say I've been loving every minute of it. You drive me up a wall the way you can't sit still ever, they way your favorite game is still "climb on mommy." But you are so precious to me and your daddy. We love you more and more every single day. You are getting really smart too, and it seems like you are learning a new word every day. Yesterday it was nostral and neck. You pointed out your friend Timothy's house when we pulled up for his mommy to watch you while I went to the doctor. "Tee-too!" you said. This is a new name for Timothy. Untill recently, only one of your friends had a name. Now it's Tee-too and Ry-ry and Amieeee and Ru-re and Meh-meh.* It gives me so much pleasure to watch you park yourself on your bedroom floor and pull book after book off the shelf to read to yourself. It makes me excited to see what you'll be like in just another month. I love you sweet Natalie, so very very much.

*In English, that's Timothy, Ryan, Amie, Ruby, and Megan.

08 October 2007

Up to something

It hit me that this past weekend, Jim was really nice. He not only emptied the dishwasher on friday night, but filled it without one complaint about how I put dishes in the sink instead of in the dishwasher throughout the day. He also emptied all the trashcans, INCLUDING THE DIAPER PAIL, which he always seems to forget exists on trash day. Then he wanted a little nookie, but it was late and I was tired, so he TOOK THE TIME to get me in the mood with a really nice back massage! Saturday? He got my car radio fixed (it's been busted for a month), took it through the car wash, and then vacuumed out all the cheerios and crumbs. Then he took Natalie and did a huge groccery shop. Now he did buy a bunch of crap food (see below post and note on sunday), but he hasn't done a groccery shop for more than three items in ages. Today, he finally priced out with different HVAC guys how much it would cost to get our unit cleaned (original estimate: $700 current estimate: <$400) and he scheduled someone to come THIS AFTERNOON. IN A HEAT WAVE. So, should I be suspicious or just live it up?

Rough week

Sunday - come home from the gym to find Jim feeding Natalie day-glo mac'n'cheese and vienna freakin' sausages for dinner. Am revolted, but not sure what to say since at least he was taking the initiative to notice she was hungry and feed her.

Monday - not sure what's on tap for today, but my neighbor is home from her week vacation, so hopefully we can get the girls together and have some mommy bonding and kvetching time. My whole body aches so while I know I *should* go to the gym, I don't wanna.

Tuesday - annual exam at the gynos. Fun! Will discuss all the usual issues plus the fun that is coming up on wednesday. Thunderstorms scheduled for this evening, which should break this ungodly heatwave we've been having. 90 degrees in october? So wrong.

Wednesday - music class, then drop Natalie off at my friends house to play while I go to the new shrink for the first time. Not sure if I'm looking forward to going over all the gory details with a new person, but am looking forward to the fact that she specializes in the relationship between hormones and depression, so I may be a poster child for her practice. Supposedly have an afternoon date with two friends to go for a walk, but who knows what state I'll be in or if I want to be around people.

Thursday - appointment with my regular shrink (not actually a shrink but a non-prescribing therapist) to discuss tuesday and wednesday's appointments and see where our relationship is going to go in light of recent events.

Friday - nothing yet, will probably go to gym out of guilt for not going the rest of the week.

Saturday - heading out to mom and dad's house on the bay for the day. Already looking forward to the kick ass milkshakes served at our favorite roadside produce stand along the way.

I thought maybe someone's eye rubbing and yawning meant she might make this a two nap day, but based on the tone of warbling coming from the next room, I don't think so. Damn.

04 October 2007

Finally

I figured out how to post some links to blogs I read frequently. There's a mish-mash of stuff there, some mommy or parenting blogs, others just good writing, some infertility ones and PCOS related sites, others are a combination of some collection of above. Some I've been reading for ages, others I've only recently discovered (Hi, Nichole and Jen!). I started reading some of the infertility blogs back when I was newly married, knowing it would take effort to get me pregnant, and itching to just start trying so we could find out for sure if we'd be doing this in my womb or adopting from someone elses. I also worked for 4.5 years in an office that never gave me enough to keep busy, so between bursts of productivity, there was a lot of downtime I spent surfing the web. Through it all, these are the sites I keep coming back to. Enjoy.

03 October 2007

Argh

What the hell is up with the weather here on the east coast? Natalie's closet is overflowing as I am slowly amassing a fall/winter wardrobe for her full of corderous and sweaters and long sleeves and such (we hit the consignment shop AGAIN today - I can't help myself, shopping there is like a treasure hunt!), but I just saw on the noon news that this weekend is supposed to get up in the mid 80's!!! I can't handle that!! So I guess my plan to put away some shorts and capris and all isn't going to happen this afternoon. This past weekend was awesome. Everyone was freezing (especially my stick figure sister-in-law), and I was walking around in a t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops. Oh well. At least it's October and time to break out the jet black nail polish. Perhaps a pedicure is in my future during Natalie's nap today. With this warm weather, at least I can still show off my cute toes.

02 October 2007

Back to reality

We survived! 7+ hours in the car (that includes a few stops) on friday, a baby with croupe in a house with 3 other adults besides mommy and daddy, a totally non-babyproofed house with a deck going straight into 8 feet of water, a fabulous wedding and reception, and then another 7+ hours in the car on sunday. Sunday's trip went much faster, maybe because Natalie slept the first 2 hours, and we took over an hour for lunch and hit a playground as well. I think we did the trip back in just under 6 hours of actual driving.

The wedding was awesome. So happy for Kim and Brian - they are perfect together and it was kind of wierd seeing them getting married, as it seems like they've been that way for ages they are so comfortable together. We saw friends from out of town that flew in for it which was fun, and the reception was a blast at a gorgeous vinyard/winery up on a hill overlooking the lake. Natalie was a champ going strong on minimal sleep. We did get to bum around the little town near where we stayed, but I wish I had gotten some quiet time to myself out on the deck in the cool autumn sun. Oh well.

We used to vacation up at this lake when I was younger - we went for 4-5 summers straight and I know a few times my parents dropped me off at college and then headed up there for a long weekend before my mom's school started classes. Jim had been to one of the other finger lakes before, but it was a long time ago. I think I have him convinced that this would be a nice place to spend a long weekend, an actual vacation. Hopefully we actually do it.

In the meantime, it's back to work for both Jim and I, I've got my fingers crossed that there is nothing pressing in my email and I can kick back a little today. There is laundry to do, grocery shopping, dinner to cook, and still some unpacking to do. Vacation is definitely over.