24 October 2007


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. More often than not, it was rockin. I have so many fond memories that I'm constantly reminded of friends, parties, even classes and professors. I met so many amazing people, smooched a fair amount of boys, and really found myself. When I feel like I've lost myself lately to motherhood, marriage, depression, stress, it's that me from senior year I look back on fondly as the me I'd like to be someday again.

I looked forward to alumni weekend this year, and the fact that it would be Natalie's first trip to my alma mater that wasn't in utero (last year it was rainy and we had an 8 month old so we didn't bother - this year the weather was perfect for a football game and lots of outdoors exploring). I went to a smallish liberal arts college, one of many of it's high caliber in PA. Gorgeous campus, too. I'm still good friends with the professor I worked for for 4 years and she hadn't met Natalie yet either. What I didn't tell Jim is that there were a few people, 2 in particular, that I was praying would be there.

These two people were my "big brothers." T and B were two years ahead of me. I had a HUGE crush on T, but we became really good friends and I love him to pieces for it. B liked me, but he was a bit of a skank as boys go, so I wouldn't go out with him. He kept up the flirting (which is always fun), and that turned into a friendship, and I got to see a soft, sensitive, truthful side of him that many didn't know existed. At one point we were so close as just friends I had his girlfriends entire sorority glaring at me around campus. For some reason I was really proud of this. T went off to med school to do research in pediatric medicine (he's a total smarty pants) and B went to law school and actually got married. The problem with being best friends with boys? They suck at keeping in touch. Yea, I may google them from time to time, but I don't have the guts to go so far as sending that dorky email that says "hey, remember me?"

I think I wanted to see them so bad because I'm missing the me that they knew. Somehow if I had seen them, maybe it would bring out a side of me that Jim doesn't know is there yet, and thus give him a new appreciation for the dynamic person his wife once was. Not to mention the big hugs I'd get, and the pride I'd have at showing off Natalie to them, whom I know they would be thrilled to meet. Oh well. Maybe next year.


Jen said...

I found that I was missing the me that I was when I lived with my college roomie Michelle - imagine, if you will, crunchy, hippie me, with the long broomstick skirt and the long hair and the birkenstocks, yeah, that was me. And then my friend promised to live with me, and she promised to live with this other girl, and so she decided that the three of us could live TOGETHER. So we're all going to meet at a coffee house, right, and while my friend and I were there in walks this tattooed, pierced woman all in black with scary combat boots and a wallet on a chain and if looks could kill, my poor friend would have been dead on the floor, because the glare I shot her said 'YOU EXPECT ME TO LIVE WITH THIS?!!'. Turns out she was so good for me. She made me lighten up and stop being such a prude and she introduced me to my first girlfriend ;)

I just saw Michelle for the first time this year since 1997 and it was totally worth it. I hadn't realized how good she was for me and how good I felt around her. So I think you should write the dorky e-mail. Yeah, they're guys, but at least you can say you tried. My friend Steph says that taking a moment to put on a CD or reconnect with someone from college is an essential way to take care of yourself... to reclaim and relive a bit of time that was all yours. I thought at first that this would make me totally depressed, sort of that "you can't go back" feeling, but it actually made me really happy and more able to greet my son with a smile when he woke up from his nap.

I hear you, though, on the male friends not keeping in touch. I managed to track one down (the e-mail read: I admit it. I googled you. And I'm not ashamed.) and we saw each other for about an hour 3 years ago. *shrug* what can you do?

Katie said...

i know i should just email them for the hell of it. what's the worst that can happen? they won't write back? would be any change in our current communication status. i think part of my wierdness is that they are boys, and i'm married, and i don't know what jim would think about me contacting them. he didn't have the same college experience as i did (went after the army and worked full time, didn't live on campus, big state school, that sort of thing), so i don't think he fully understands sometimes. i don't know. your enouragement might be enough of a push to get me to just do it :)

Jen said...

Well, Katie, I didn't have the college experience that you had either - I went to a big state school, never lived in the dorms... I don't have the post-military experience to compare with but I can see what you're saying because my wife did have your experience (high-caliber small liberal arts college) and I have come to know it though her. (All of the alums of her college introduce themselves to each other with the year they graduated. A la "Hi, I'm Frank Johnson '96." Weird.) There's a connection to each other through that very unique common experience at a small school that is hard for some folks to get. But whether Jim gets it or not... I'd say that if it's important to you to reconnect with that part of yourself that's feeling lost to you, that you just write to them and say "hey, I'm just wondering what you're up to, how ya doin'?". If they write back, great, if they don't, then oh well, right? -- like you said.

I google my old bfs from college all the time but that doesn't mean I want to get back together with them or anything... they were important people in my life.