28 February 2008

Stupid, stupid me

I stepped on the scale yesterday. And again this morning. Just to see if it was lying to me yesterday. The good news? I dropped 3lbs between late yesterday morning and first thing this morning. So not really. The bad news? I'm only 15lbs away from where I was when I was 9 months pregnant. Nice. This repulses me. And I have to not turn to food to make myself feel better. That's the hard part. I don't undestand why my body turns to food, but I guess it's the same reason some people turn to alcohol, drugs, indiscriminate sex, or something to make themselves feel better. The only alternative to food I've come up with so far is shopping, which I can't really afford and when you weigh almost as much as you did when you were with child, looking at new spring colors and such isn't all that fun when you pull out the gingham shirt in your size and it looks more like pillowcase than a shirt.

To complicate matters more, Natalie has realize we're weening and that yesterday she had been 3-4 days without her roo-roo. So she was uber clingy, and we spent 20+ minutes at the Y trying to pry her off me so I could go exercise. She was crying and crying so hard. I thought maybe she wasn't feeling well, as she asked to take a nap early, so I put her down and she was happy to go down. But she never napped. We went to the mall so we could do an errand or two and let her run around and burn off any extra energy, and after some more crying at home she finally kicked it at 4:45pm. Let her sleep till 6 and she went to bed no problem a whole half hour late.

This morning? She was cranky and wanted to nurse, but we're working on other ways to soothe. I've been telling her that the roo-roo's are sleeping, but she can always hug and cuddle them. Well, she wanted to cuddle for an hour while we sat on the couch and I watched the news. Then we cuddled on and off during sesame street, and now she's playing by herself happily. Thought it would be a good day to pull out a new toy, so she's playing with her egg shape sorters (I got these for her a few weeks ago, I remember them from when I was little - you open the eggs and inside are a shape and you have to fit the right shapes together to get the eggs back, and they come in their own little egg carton). I have a feeling the Y isn't going to work out again today, but I don't want to not try lest she think she can get her way. That sounds awful, doesn't it? These are the days that it's so hard to parent and feel like you are doing the right thing versus setting her up for years of therapy later.

26 February 2008

Gratuitous toddler pictures

Because she's just so damn cute, ya know?

24 February 2008

Saga, updated

I'm feeling good.

Thanks to those who have offered support, here, on the weight watchers boards, etc. It's still really hard, but I've made some right choices in the last few days that when I look back, add up to a lot of fat, calories, and sugar that I turned down. Even today, we went to the early service at church (9:30) and by the time we got out after chasing Natalie down the halls and chatting with friends, it was 11:30. Jim wanted food, I wasn't hungry, but the silly daddy that he is suggested a restaurant to Natalie who thinks restaurants are the coolest. Not to mention it was about her lunch time anyway. So, begrudgingly, I agreed. BUT...did I order my favorite dish? Get something big to go? No! I got something really small off the side orders and a diet coke. I knew I'd stuff myself silly if I ate a full meal then (I had made eggs and bacon before church for my morning protein fill-up). This all may seem overly dramatic, but if you've struggled with weight, you know what it's like to struggle with good food that's put in front of you when you aren't hungry.

The day to day is hard, but I'm glad it's been a few days and I can look back and see how those little decisions have added up to represent something bigger. That's good. That actually feels like a wee little bit of motivation. What little food decisions can I make this week that will add up to something substantial? I did hit the groccery yesterday, and besides my championship savings of $53 in coupons and store savings (FIFTY THREE DOLLARS, PEOPLE!), I loaded up on good foods for recipes to make for dinner this week (thus loading the freezer with leftovers for lunchs and weekends). No junk came home, unless you count some sugar free chocolate pudding that jumped into my cart. At least I kicked the whipped cream out when it tried to jump in with the pudding.

21 February 2008

And now for something completely different...

I've decided I want to learn how to knit.

Why? Because somewhere, someday, some little baby will be born to a friend or family member who is going to be in desperate need of an argyle baby blanket. And you can't crochet argyle.

20 February 2008

Continuing saga

I've been struggling with my weight for what feels like forever. There was that year in college when I was doing crew, but because of having mono, I became a coxswain instead of a rower, and I was so good at it they made me stay a coxswain. I didn't mind, it was fun and I really did do a great job (I once cox'ed a womens masters national team and they thanked me for such a good workout - not too shabby!). When you spend 2.5 hours every morning at an athletic team practice but you spend it sitting on your ass in a teeny skinny boat, then go to class, work, attempt to study, etc., finding time to go to the gym on your own gets hard. Not to mention the dinning hall with the never ending supply of cereal and the soft ice cream machine. I put on quite a few pounds.

The following summer I did weight watchers with my mom, lost 25lbs, went back to school for senior year looking hot, dropped the dinning hall, got really good at cooking for myself, did kickboxing 3 times a week, kept the weight off and even lost the last 5lbs. Post college, my first job was a nanny. I didn't have time to eat much during the day, not to mention how an active 3 year old and a 1 year old can keep you forever on your feet. I put on a few pounds, but it didn't feel like a lot. I was working so much and was moving around a lot so finding a gym and the time to go never happened. I figured once life evened out, it wouldn't be a big deal to lose those pounds.

Then the desk job came along. Slowly pounds crept on. Then engagement to Jim was impending, so I started weight watchers again. Managed to lose 13lbs in the 6 months before our wedding. Goal was 25lbs, but I worked my ass off for those 13 and was relatively happy with how I looked on the big day. That was also the last time I lost any weight.

Fast forward through the discovery of thyroid problems, hypoglycemia, a job I hated, trying to kick the emotional eating habit, depression, pregnancy, self medication through chocolate ice cream, the post-partum depression that turned to real hard core depression, and here I am 50lbs more than I was when I got married (maybe more, I haven't stepped on a scale in at least a month). In march we'll celebrate our 4 year anniversary.

Weight watchers was awesome. I learned so much about portion control and tricks to reduce the fat or sugar content in recipes and such. I also chatted online with a group of women that I've been in contact with for at least 4 years now (this wierds Jim out to no end). But, with my insulin resistance problems, the plan doesn't work for me - post wedding, I gained 25lbs on weight watchers in 10 months, and I was being hard core about sticking to the plan. I know how to lose weight: I need to kick the sugar and carbs. I need to make sure I eat extra protein in the morning. I need to make sure when I do have carbs, I have some protein with them to aid in their breakdown.

Easier said than done. I'm really struggling right now. I don't know what it is that makes it so hard. I KNOW what I have to do, but doing it is SO FUCKING HARD. I no longer know how to convince myself this is for the long term good...the closet full of clothes that don't fit isn't working, the fact that there are hardly any pictures of me with my daughter because I hate so much how I look isn't working either. Jim doesn't know how to be supportive, he just preaches that I need to work out twice as hard and then when he does a groccery shop he comes home with ice cream. Nice. At the same time, I struggle with accepting who I am and not hiding in repulsion every time I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I find myself often asking "why why why?!"

I've been trying to post more on my old weight watchers board, for support, but mostly for accountability. Even though these ladies (hello, ladies!) are no where near me geographically, I somehow feel that if I say to them "I'm going to the gym today and cooking a healthy dinner" but come back that evening to say "I skipped the gym and we got pizza for dinner" I'll be letting more than myself down. Heather, a wise gal who also posts (and has lost a metric ton of weight and looks SMOKIN' HOT these days) said today that weight loss is like a job. We don't necessarily like to go, but it's something we have to do. I look at my family history of diabetes and heart disease and totally agree with her. This comment hit home (she said it so much better than I've summarized here) and is the closest I've felt to motivation in a while.

Here's to hoping I can ride this wave longer than today...

17 February 2008

Date

We actually went out to the movies today. Saw Juno. No one told me I was going to bawl my eyes out.

14 February 2008

Happy V-Day

I sit here working on a loverly Valentine's Day evening. I got breakfast in bed and yum take-out for dinner. Yet as I type up my notes and listen to my ipod on shuffle, I hear songs that don't make me think of Jim, but of John. Of the concerts he would have gone to with me, of the Wes Anderson movies he would have loved and laughed at as much as I do. Of the books we would have traded and read together. God, I miss him. My heart breaks that we aren't in each other's lives anymore. While I think I'll always wonder "what if...", I do wish him and his wife and his toddler daughter well (facts I know of because a Higher Power keeps making our parents bump into each other at the hardware store and such). Jan 15th was his 8th wedding anniversary and 8 years since I last saw him. Time doesn't always ease pain.

12 February 2008

The weather's got me down

I love rain. In the spring when it's drizzling and the bulbs are pushing their stalks up through the newly green landscape. In the fall when after a long hot summer you want to put on a sweater and curl up with a good book. But in the winter? When it's 30 degrees out? And not even really raining, just spitting, which is enough for the roads to freeze up and traffic to suck and just generally be miserable out? Hate it. If it's going to be this cold and bitter out, at least send us some snow. I like snow. Or warm it up a bit so the thought of the walk from the house to the car and the car to the mall where Natalie can run around a bit and we can read books up at Borders doesn't seem so daunting and pointless - all those layers to put on and strip down 16 times before you are finally home for the day.

Today is also probably feeling like such a downer because I wrote Jim a letter last night. Haven't given it to him yet, it probably needs to be edited. I want it to explain how I feel, to show the things I would hope we could work on together, and to encourage him to understand me a little more and to be open to the idea of some marriage counseling if he thinks I'm talking crazy. I was looking at valentine's day cards last week and I didn't have it in me to get a mushy romantic one, or even a silly sexy one. How do you write "I love you, I love you, I want you, you make my world go round, oh baby, oh baby" when you don't mean it or feel that way at all? We don't talk, we don't argue. I have so many feelings and emotions bottled up that it's gotta come out. Sorry Jim that the timing sucks with valentines day and all, but I also see my therapist that morning and she'll shoot me if I haven't said anything to you yet as she's known about these feelings (or lack thereof) for a while now. *Sigh* I do better writing than I do speaking, and I've written him letters before, always saying that these are things I need to get off my chest, but that we can talk about them when he's ready. He does OK with that. That is if you count completely forgetting about my notes and never mentioning them or their contents to me while going about like nothing is an issue at all.

Probably doesn't help my demeanor today that my left sinus feels like it's going to explode from too much pressure, either.

11 February 2008

24 Months = 2 Years

Happy 2nd birthday, Natalie! I feel like this birthday has been forefront in my mind for the last two weeks, but today seems like the day we wrapped up the celebration by a visit to the pediatritian. She pronounced you perfect and beautiful to boot. You are at the 50% for height, but only 5% for weight. Then I told her how much you eat, like the day you ate an entire pork chop, two servings of sweet potatos, and some asparagus for dinner. Or when you ate a whole head of broccoli in one day. Raw. She said if that was the case, she's not worried one bit about your food intake, but to just keep giving you the full fat whole milk dairy stuff, and if you've eaten your dinner and still want more, we're to give you a carb (so that second helping of sweet potatos was right on). Funny, since I try to eat the exact opposite of this.

Your vocabulary still continues to grow, almost at the same rate as your stubbornness. I forsee a tough year ahead, but nothing worse than any other parent of a 2 year old has gone through. So much good is going to happen this year, from being able to spend a few days away from mommy when she goes to LA for her friend's wedding - ALONE. Then in the summer we hope to leave you with grandma for a few days at their beach house. Grandma is trying to finish her master's degree and so long as her thesis is completed by the end of the school year, she gets to have you for a week in the summer, which is all the motivation she needs. I'm excited to see how even more into the beach and the bay and swimming and all you are going to be than last summer. In the fall you'll start nursery school, which you'd start tomorrow in a heartbeat if they let you. I have a feeling you are going to be way more into the holidays and all than last year - like we might even have to come up with a halloween costume of your choosing (my money is that it'll be either an animal or a fairy princess ballarina). And the holidays? You'll be all about christmas I'm sure.

I still get really sad thinking about how you aren't my "baby" anymore. In some ways you'll always be my baby, the way I'm always going to be my mom's baby. But I do miss the bald head and the toothless grin. I find myself rearranging the furniture in my head to see how we could fit a sibling in this house. Then I start praying that if we have a #2, it's a girl so you two can just share a room. Would make things a LOT easier. I love you so much sweet Natalie, and look forward to what's in store for you.

09 February 2008

07 February 2008

Fabulous

I love seeing Natalie's creativity blossoming these days - we finger painted today...with our fingers, with elbows, with forearms, with a paintbrush. Beautiful works of art that will become thank you cards for impending birthday presents.

04 February 2008

Looking back

Two years ago or so today, I was at the OB's office finding out I was 1cm dialated and only a little effaced. Sure, she said, you can finish your last week at the office, just listen to your body and take it easy. What fateful words as my water broke AT WORK only 4 days later. With fictional child #2, when I have a similar visit, I'm just going to up and shut down, locking myself in the house with nesting activities and chocolate ice cream, only leaving to go to the movies (lots) and get a manicure and pedicure and a leg and bikini wax in preparation for the labor and delivery room.

Thinking back has made me sad in two ways. First, sad that my baby is growing up. Two seems like such a huge milestone, more so than my 30th. No longer will we count her age in months. She's two. And can tell you and almost show you with her little fingers (we've been practicing). Over the next year she's going to become even more verbal, she'll start school, start sunday school, we'll be able to do more arts and crafts and make christmas cookies won't be quite the kitchen disaster that it was this year. It's exciting, really, to watch her blossom into a little person, but it's sad because she's not a baby. If I've ever wanted a second child in the past two years, I want it most now. I miss that snuggly little sweet smelling creature. I miss the bald head that was so soft and the toothless grin. But I also love the ponytails and big cheesey smile I get everytime the camera comes out.

Natalie's birthday also makes me sad as I don't feel like I have personally gotten anywhere. Two years in and I still can't fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes and I'm 20lbs heavier than I was last year at this time. Sure, a lot has happened - I was diagnosed with depression, started meds, started better meds, found a thyroid nodule and am no on a better combination of thyroid mes, so yea, on one level, that's a lot of good things going on; I'd hate to still be back where I was a year and a half ago, so blue, so unable to get my shit together. But I'm still drained by the effort it has taken to get to now. The doctors visits, the wacky periods, the crying, exhaustion, insomnia, more crying, blood tests, sonograms, more blood tests, more exhaustion. It still makes it hard to get on the bandwagon with exercise and eating right. Sure, I don't *have* to nap everyday anymore, but it doesn't necessarily mean I suddenly want to spend that time nibbling celery while doing yoga. I'd rather curl up with a good book and ice cream. Maybe that's just the way I am. But I know if I keep it up, I'll be 400lbs in no time. I look at my closet at all the clothes that don't fit and get so depressed. I avoid looking in the mirror. I gag at the family pictures we just got back from Christmas - my double chin and bulky figure is horrid next to my stick figure sister in law and my slender sister in law (yes, there is a difference). This isn't how I pictured myself as the mother of a two year old. I sometimes feel like I just don't know what to do anymore.