I've been struggling with my weight for what feels like forever. There was that year in college when I was doing crew, but because of having mono, I became a coxswain instead of a rower, and I was so good at it they made me stay a coxswain. I didn't mind, it was fun and I really did do a great job (I once cox'ed a womens masters national team and they thanked me for such a good workout - not too shabby!). When you spend 2.5 hours every morning at an athletic team practice but you spend it sitting on your ass in a teeny skinny boat, then go to class, work, attempt to study, etc., finding time to go to the gym on your own gets hard. Not to mention the dinning hall with the never ending supply of cereal and the soft ice cream machine. I put on quite a few pounds.
The following summer I did weight watchers with my mom, lost 25lbs, went back to school for senior year looking hot, dropped the dinning hall, got really good at cooking for myself, did kickboxing 3 times a week, kept the weight off and even lost the last 5lbs. Post college, my first job was a nanny. I didn't have time to eat much during the day, not to mention how an active 3 year old and a 1 year old can keep you forever on your feet. I put on a few pounds, but it didn't feel like a lot. I was working so much and was moving around a lot so finding a gym and the time to go never happened. I figured once life evened out, it wouldn't be a big deal to lose those pounds.
Then the desk job came along. Slowly pounds crept on. Then engagement to Jim was impending, so I started weight watchers again. Managed to lose 13lbs in the 6 months before our wedding. Goal was 25lbs, but I worked my ass off for those 13 and was relatively happy with how I looked on the big day. That was also the last time I lost any weight.
Fast forward through the discovery of thyroid problems, hypoglycemia, a job I hated, trying to kick the emotional eating habit, depression, pregnancy, self medication through chocolate ice cream, the post-partum depression that turned to real hard core depression, and here I am 50lbs more than I was when I got married (maybe more, I haven't stepped on a scale in at least a month). In march we'll celebrate our 4 year anniversary.
Weight watchers was awesome. I learned so much about portion control and tricks to reduce the fat or sugar content in recipes and such. I also chatted online with a group of women that I've been in contact with for at least 4 years now (this wierds Jim out to no end). But, with my insulin resistance problems, the plan doesn't work for me - post wedding, I gained 25lbs on weight watchers in 10 months, and I was being hard core about sticking to the plan. I know how to lose weight: I need to kick the sugar and carbs. I need to make sure I eat extra protein in the morning. I need to make sure when I do have carbs, I have some protein with them to aid in their breakdown.
Easier said than done. I'm really struggling right now. I don't know what it is that makes it so hard. I KNOW what I have to do, but doing it is SO FUCKING HARD. I no longer know how to convince myself this is for the long term good...the closet full of clothes that don't fit isn't working, the fact that there are hardly any pictures of me with my daughter because I hate so much how I look isn't working either. Jim doesn't know how to be supportive, he just preaches that I need to work out twice as hard and then when he does a groccery shop he comes home with ice cream. Nice. At the same time, I struggle with accepting who I am and not hiding in repulsion every time I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I find myself often asking "why why why?!"
I've been trying to post more on my old weight watchers board, for support, but mostly for accountability. Even though these ladies (hello, ladies!) are no where near me geographically, I somehow feel that if I say to them "I'm going to the gym today and cooking a healthy dinner" but come back that evening to say "I skipped the gym and we got pizza for dinner" I'll be letting more than myself down. Heather, a wise gal who also posts (and has lost a metric ton of weight and looks SMOKIN' HOT these days) said today that weight loss is like a job. We don't necessarily like to go, but it's something we have to do. I look at my family history of diabetes and heart disease and totally agree with her. This comment hit home (she said it so much better than I've summarized here) and is the closest I've felt to motivation in a while.
Here's to hoping I can ride this wave longer than today...