12 February 2008

The weather's got me down

I love rain. In the spring when it's drizzling and the bulbs are pushing their stalks up through the newly green landscape. In the fall when after a long hot summer you want to put on a sweater and curl up with a good book. But in the winter? When it's 30 degrees out? And not even really raining, just spitting, which is enough for the roads to freeze up and traffic to suck and just generally be miserable out? Hate it. If it's going to be this cold and bitter out, at least send us some snow. I like snow. Or warm it up a bit so the thought of the walk from the house to the car and the car to the mall where Natalie can run around a bit and we can read books up at Borders doesn't seem so daunting and pointless - all those layers to put on and strip down 16 times before you are finally home for the day.

Today is also probably feeling like such a downer because I wrote Jim a letter last night. Haven't given it to him yet, it probably needs to be edited. I want it to explain how I feel, to show the things I would hope we could work on together, and to encourage him to understand me a little more and to be open to the idea of some marriage counseling if he thinks I'm talking crazy. I was looking at valentine's day cards last week and I didn't have it in me to get a mushy romantic one, or even a silly sexy one. How do you write "I love you, I love you, I want you, you make my world go round, oh baby, oh baby" when you don't mean it or feel that way at all? We don't talk, we don't argue. I have so many feelings and emotions bottled up that it's gotta come out. Sorry Jim that the timing sucks with valentines day and all, but I also see my therapist that morning and she'll shoot me if I haven't said anything to you yet as she's known about these feelings (or lack thereof) for a while now. *Sigh* I do better writing than I do speaking, and I've written him letters before, always saying that these are things I need to get off my chest, but that we can talk about them when he's ready. He does OK with that. That is if you count completely forgetting about my notes and never mentioning them or their contents to me while going about like nothing is an issue at all.

Probably doesn't help my demeanor today that my left sinus feels like it's going to explode from too much pressure, either.

1 comment:

HeatherB said...

Hi Katiya (Katie),

It's Heather from the WW boards. I've really enjoyed catching up with you here through the blog.

I admire you for seeking some therapy for yourself and for writing out your feelings to Jim.

Hang in there! Oh and Natalie is a doll baby! So darn cute! :)