14 March 2008


Do you ever find yourself having a hard time concentrating? I'm there right now. It took me forever last night to sit down and write out a list of all the things on my mind, mostly things I feel I have to/need to do. Like our taxes. Then there are the chores that I'm dreading, like cleaning out the fridge to find out what is making that nasty smell. Then there are the things I want to do (like sewing projects) that I don't feel I should start until I get some of these other more time pressing things out of the way. Yet I can't seem to get started on anything because I feel like I walk around in circles all day. It takes us at least an hour to even get out the door a lot of the time. And that's getting out the door to go to the Y, so no showering, blowdrying or any type of careful primping required.

And on top of it, my diet sucks. I'm a champ at cooking healthy meals, but it's the treats. I have a problem where I feel I deserve something special so I eat it to make myself feel good. I decided today would be a good day to make cookies for my brother's birthday (which isn't for another 2 weeks) just so I could enjoy the sweetness of the oatmeal raisin cookie dough. I had to cook them up immediately just so I'd stop sticking a spoon in the bowl. Good thing once they are cooked they aren't as appealing to me. Last night I would have given my left foot for a chocolate milkshake. I haven't been journaling like I'm supposed to be doing, and I see the new doc in a few weeks for a meds checkup. I think the meds are still working, especially in concert with the thyroid switch-up I've been on for about 6 weeks now (I see the endo the same week). New doc is going to get on my case for my eating.

I'm so fat right now, it's disgusting. I need to go get something springy and perky to wear for easter. I have black pants, but a fresh new top would be ideal. Yet that requires shopping and dressing rooms and all that depressing stuff. My other option is to wear the black pants with my one nice white shirt and look like a waitress, or with a black shirt and look morbid at a church holiday celebrating that Jesus rose from the dead, instead of staying dead. Sometimes I wonder why I bother because everyone is going to be watching Natalie in her handmedown pink dress with the petticoats that just oozes over the top cuteness from every seam.

So back to my lack of concentration. Part of what is keeping me from getting anything done is the fact that food is on my mind so much of the time. The cravings, the desires, the wanting to feel good like I deserve something special that manifests itself in a need for food. The good side to all this, I do find myself craving things like burgers or french fries more often that I find myself going for sweets. I even treated myself to some uber dark chocolate the other week and it lasted more than two days, which is a record if it lasts more than two hours in my house. I wish I could find the focus to get some of these things on my list done, so that the focus could be on accomplishment, a sense of relief, a sense of confidence in my abilities. Then maybe I wouldn't be thinking of food so often.

Of course all this is easier said than done, especially with a todder underfoot and a not-always-that-helpful-or-even-understanding husband around.

1 comment:

HeatherB said...

All right girl- tough love- you don't NEED fries or burgers to feel good. The feelings will be there just the same once you're done eating as they were before. You know that- eating isn't going to solve the problem.

How about one thing on your list- start with something easy- cleaning out the fride.Go ahead get started right now- set the timer for 15 minutes and do that. You'll feel better I promise!

And start journaling- tomorrow I want you to journal breakfast-okay? Just breakfast- and that's it. All you have to do for tomorrow okay?

Be sure to e-mail or post or blog about how you did. In return I'll post about how my 10 mile run went and I'll journal breakfast with you too- deal?