14 April 2008

Thoughts

Battling depression is hard. It sucks really, and the fact that I'm on what feels like so many meds these days for my thyroid, hormones, depression, and weight feels like life is rubbing it in that I can't handle on my own. Which comes back around to depression. There are chemicals in my brain that are slightly off and at a level that doesn't allow me to function 100% without medication. Medical fact. Still, I find I am so hard on myself when I have a rough day, where things don't feel right, where I feel off without being able to put my finger on the why.

Maybe it's the role of mamma that is always there - don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with all my being, but it's a title that I think doesn't always allow me to deal with the depression side of things. On these bad days, I feel like I have to be 'on' at all times for her. I long for a partner who would step up and say "hey, let me take her to the park for a while and you can just chill out at home, take a nap, and try to relax for a bit and get your head back in the game." I have a hard time reaching out for help like that, not sure why. My self esteem is so in the toilet (has been for a looooooong time - the original reason I started therapy a number of years back), I think I worry about saying the wrong thing to Jim, coming off as just whiny and not really in need of his physical help. And during the week? I'm on my own 10+ hours a day.

I've gotten into the habit of keeping multiple running lists in a notebook of everything I think of that needs to be done, be it errands or chores or work or fun, so I can cross things off. It helps me focus, and be able to see what my week may look like, and feel that sense of accomplishment when I can cross something off. My 5th grade teacher, one of the best I ever had in 12 years of public education, used to give us homework assignments like "go outside and play for 30 minutes." I find myself adding things to my list like "spend 30 minutes outside in a lawnchair with a book while Natalie naps." I don't know how much that helps the big picture, but it makes dealing with depression on a day to day basis a little more manageable.

1 comment:

Kathy said...

Hi I just wandered into your blog while browsing and I agree, having kids can sure do a number on your sanity. Bless their little hearts, they are HARD work. I hope things get better for you!