26 September 2008

F*CK

Jim got laid off.

Nothing more to say, mostly because there's way too much stuff in my head. And of course I immediatly started thinking of all the comfort foods I love, so while I don't want to go to OA on saturday because I'll spend it crying my eyes out, I know I need to go because I can't eat my way through the upcoming weeks/months.

Good thing I was already planning on making everybody's christmas presents this year and I had already ordered a metric buttload of fabric (which came in and is AWESOME). And I guess getting that etsy shop up and running would be a good idea, not to mention maybe going through all the clothes I don't wear and ebaying some stuff...

Thank God I see my therapist on monday...

24 September 2008

Casualty

We awoke this morning when we heard a loud THUD on our bedroom window. A sparrow and flown right into the glass and was laying, dead, on the patio roof below. It's still there. Guess I need to get a broom or something and lean out the window the sweep the poor fellow over the side where we can then dispose of him properly, out behind the shed where I put the dead mouse a month ago. I'm sure the neighborhood cats will appreciate the treat. Still, it was kind of a freaky way to wake up.

On another note, I'm in denial that I'm getting sick. I've got that sick taste in my mouth and while my throat isn't sore, those glands are feeling funky back there. I'm sipping lots of hot tea, zinc, and vitamin c and will be napping while Natalie naps this afternoon. Provided she does nap this afternoon. She didn't on Monday and that just doesn't do me a lick of good. Especially since today Jim is going to a baseball game after work which means no daddy distraction in the evening. I'm flying solo all day and if I have a cranky non-napping toddler on my hands till bedtime, I might lose it.

23 September 2008

Update

I think the momentum of my first few weeks of OA is wearing out. A gal at saturday's meeting suggested I add anothing meeting into my week to stretch out the good vibes and not have to wait a whole 7 days for another dose. I think I may do that. I'm still not focusing on my diet, I'm focusing on those cravings and the mindless eating and the reasons behind my urges to eat when it's not meal time. I realized it's not anger or boredom that fuels those binges, it's frustration. Frustration at a toddler who won't listen. Frustration at my self for not being able to figure out how to best manage my time, frustration at my husband for being a dolt. "I'm not angry at him, I just wish he didn't act/say/do things like that." That, my friend, is frustration. And for whatever reason it drives me to want to eat, as if food is a soothing balm for my soul that will absorb the acid eating away at my self.

The opposite of frustration, at least the best that I can tell, is peace and contentment. So that's what I'm trying to do. If it means leaving for an activity substantially earlier than planned so if Natalie starts pulling out the stubborness, we can still get places on time. It's accepting that sometimes there's no chance of convincing her to do something else, and to be OK with it and just move on. She's being herself, this is what toddler's do. I'm the one who needs to find peace with her actions and not turn to food to try and find peace.

So I'm trying to take deep breaths, be more accepting, and channel that furious need for effeciency into my work, which I've been doing a lot of lately. I kind of created a big project for myself and have been chipping away at it. If I can't accomplish my daily routine in a way that satisfies my need to be speedy, efficient, and not wasteful of time or energy, I find that completing another chunk of this project comes with a serious sense of accomplishment. And when this project is done (probably end of this week), it will go off for comments and technical editing and be out of my hands for who the hell knows how long. So I'm going back to sewing. Sewing brings me peace and accomplishment, and maybe I can finally get that etsy shop up and running before the Christmas holiday shopping season is in full swing.

22 September 2008

Oy

My therapist has me reading this book on boundaries. It's really good, because I see myself in a lot of it. It's really bad because I see a lot of Jim in it. For instance, this morning.

Today is "don't drive your car to work" day. There is a bus stop, less than a mile (probably only a half mile) from our house that drops Jim off across the street from his office. He's taken it a whole 3 times in the last 2 years, and those 3 times were all in a week when his car was in the shop. He decided he'd take it today, being HR and all and being the one sending messages to employees about the event (it's DC-metro wide). Did he get his ass up in time to catch the bus? Yes. But did he get in the shower in time, or not sit on the couch watching the news for 10 minutes, etc.? No. So he's running out at 7:30 to walk a half mile to catch a bus that comes at 7:32.

If I was a good boundary setter, which I'm not, the rest of the morning would not have played out as it did.

He came back a minute later, grabbed Natalie and my car keys and said "I need you to drive me to the bus stop and I'm getting Natalie in the car right now" as he ran back out the door. Um, ok. My pajama clad self (tank top, no bra, crocs, orange plaid pants, glasses, and serious bed head) shut the door behind myself as I climbed into the driver's seat. Off to the bus stop. It wasn't till we were stuck at the second traffic light which is a looooong one that Jim came to the realization he wasn't going to make the 7:32 bus. The schedule said there was one at 7:47. Jim made me wait in a parking lot near the stop till the bus came just in case. And just in case turned out to be "but I need to get to work on time and can't wait for the 7:47 bus that's obviously running late." So I had to drive him to work. And thus starts my week with 40 minutes in the car and pissed off at my husband.

Sure, I could have said, "no, we're not waiting" and driven off as soon as we dropped him off at the bus stop. I could have also made a run for the shower as soon as I heard him walk back in the door. I just hate confrontation I'd rather bite my tongue, suck it up and deal so as not to have a pissy husband. Yet my boundary book has made me see where my errors are (inability to say "no" firmly and set limits) and to see where Jim's are (inability to set boundaries on his self so as to be on time and then blaming others for his lateness). Did you know that sometimes because I talk to him too much in the morning that's why he's late? And other times when I don't talk to him at all so as to give him his space to get ready quickly he gets sulky and whines about how he didn't get to talk to me before he had to leave? It's a no win situation on my side. And I used to be a public transit commuter for 5 years before working from home. If I missed a shuttle to the metro or got a late start and had to take a later train, I got into work late and I dealt with it. I also knew enough to plan ahead for potential lateness, knowing that if I got in early, I could scoot out a little early, too. This is a concept beyond Jim's comprehension.

Tomorrow, Jim is taking the bus. And I'm not rescuing him. I'm going to tell him this firmly but nicely tonight. He needs to do it for himself, and to see that the bus is a perfectly good option. I'll pack his lunch and dig up a magazine for him to read at the bus stop and if he misses the 7:32 and the 7:47 is late, then he has to deal. I'm not coming to pick him up.

19 September 2008

Eek!

Don't tell Jim, but I just spent $93 on fabric at reprodepot.com. Yes, I am a fabric addict.

15 September 2008

Update

Saturday was my third OA meeting. The only thing I don't like is that I didn't start going sooner. I am so encouraged each week, not so much by anything specific people say, but just by being in a room full of people (women) who struggle with food the same way I do. That alone has given me confidence; I can see others who have succeeded and yet even they still need the support of OA to keep on the straight and narrow. This is so much bigger than me, and even when I lose weight someday, the issues I have with food will still be there, but I will hopefully have found the strength and the support to deal with them better than I have in the past.

I don't feel like I'm losing any weight yet, but I don't mind. Going each week gives me confidence to keep on and I was actually looking forward to this past saturday's meeting. I find the biggest change so far is that I'm more conscious of my food choices - I find myself really asking myself "am I hungry or just bored? or upset? or frustrated?" before reaching into the fridge. And it's not that I didn't do that before; it's just that now, I don't beat myself up for whatever choice I make. If it's a good choice, that's all it is - "yes, I am hungry, I'm going to have this yougert." But when I find myself eating for reasons other than hunger - these are times where I need to work on identifying the need before I eat instead of after - I don't lay on the guilt about a lack of self-control. I know somehow that this is a learning process, that others have struggled before me, and I'm able to move on, not dwell, and do better the next time I'm tempted.

That's my goal for now, besides learning the 12 steps which I kind of like, I'm going to focus on eating for hunger, stopping when I'm full even if my plate is not empty, and not eating when I'm feeling other emotions. From there I figure I'm slowly meld into making better food choices, and the weather is going to start cooling down substantially where soups and chillis and other vegetable laden yumminess is going to be on our dinner menu weekly. I know what I should be eating, it's just all the other trash in my head interfering with my ability to make those choices, not to mention telling me I need food to feel better.

So of I am on this journey, all 205lbs of me (see picture from labor day weekend). My doctor wants me at 185 by christmas, and for the first time in a while, I feel confident I can meet that goal. March is a family reunion of sorts on Jim's side and there will be swimming in a hotel pool - I'd like to be fitting into my cute bathing suit again. Maybe be 170? From there, my doctor wants me to get down to 150, but I say 145 so I can call it an even 60lbs lost.

11 September 2008

Soon...

...to be posted for purchase on my yet to be created etsy site - christmas ornaments made from recycled holiday cards

09 September 2008

A big day

Dear sweet Natalie, not only did you turn 2 years and 7 months old today, but today was your first day of school. You have been waiting for this for WEEKS, it's all you talk about. We've been fortunate enough to not only find a great little school, but a school full of other parents and teachers who are truly excited about learning, not to mention are just all around nice people, too. We've been having playgroups at the park all summer with these folks, so you already know most of the kids in your class. Last week some of us even went to the zoo and you had a blast with them - your teacher even came, too. All this before class officially started. And today? You were your usual toddler self, all stubborn and mood swing-y, and prone to flip flopping on the major issues like car seats and lunch. But as soon as I mentioned it was time for school, you ran like Usain Bolt for the car and immediately got in your car seat, strapped yourself in, and announced "I GO TO SCHOOOOOOOOOOL!!!" And when I picked you up two hours later, you were totally zonked, and all I got out of you was that you colored with markers and sang new songs. And then you slept for 2.5 hours. Needless to say, it was a good day for mommy, too.

Your vocabulary as usual is growing exponentially. Your favorite comments are that something is "kinda funny," "kinda silly," or "kinda tricky," when it's a puzzle or drawing you want to get me to do for you. You're also laying on the pressure to mommy and daddy that you want a baby sister. We don't know where this is coming from, but it's kind of funny. You want to read, constantly, but I'm starting to get a little bored of your favorite books. If I have to read "Arthur Babysits" one more time I may shoot myself. I'm always trying to get you to read different books, but I guess you have a current list of favorites and that's all you want right now.

You are still a huge sesame street fan, which I love, but I also love how I can hear you counting with them, doing the alphabet with them, answering the questions posed to the audience. I even got you to get dressed the other day by getting you to pretend you were on Elmo's world and Dorothy the goldfish wanted to know how to get dressed. So you narrated the entire process to Dorothy and I couldn't be happier. "Dis is how I get dressed, Dortee. I put one foot in here-a, and den I put foot in here-a, and den I pull my pants up - Mommy I need help pees! See Dortee, dat's how I get my pants on!" Adorable. And it's a good thing, too, because there are time when I want to hang you upside down out the window by your itty bitty toenails because you can be so stubborn and strong willed (which I know is a phase because your friends are all going through it too at the same time, still, doesn't make it any easier to deal with 24/7). But then you come out with the sweetest and kindest thoughts about mommy and daddy and your friends and what you love and I just want to squeeze you as much as possible because I'm reminded what a blessing you are and just how much I love you.

07 September 2008

Nothing much to say

I have my period (cramps, headache, the usual), Jim is being an asshat, Natalie has been 2 and a half All Week Long, tomorrow is monday, I've got a mile of errands to do this week and no money to spend, and after the tropical fun of Hanna yesterday, I realized something very important: I do not own a raincoat. Haven't found one yet, but I did treat myself to some purple polka dotted rainboots from target. My reason was that I'll need them for co-op-ing as Natalie's teacher said they go out to play every single day and the playground has been re-graded twice but still has a mud issue in one corner. My kid will be the one to find that corner, so I might as well have boots with which to rescue her from it in. Does that sentance even make sense? Whatever. Must go make use of the quiet house - Jim actually agreed to stop whining about how we were out of diet dr. pepper and take the groccery list - AND THE TODDLER - and do a shop. Which means he'll be home soon with tons of things we don't need that weren't on the list, but at least we'll have milk and cheese and diet coke and I won't have had to drag a stubborn toddler with me to get it all.

Whew.

03 September 2008

Scary but good

I went to an OA meeting this past weekend. I think I've found what I need.