30 November 2008


I'm angry and bitter and congested all at the same time, which isn't the best of combinations. It's my turn to be sick, and damn it, I want to take a sick day. Instead I'm still the one up early with Natalie, making her breakfast, changing her poopy diaper (use the damn toilet already!), etcetera ad infinitum. What did Jim do? Sleep in, lounge on couch. He doesn't "parent." He doesn't say "OK, news is over, TV is going off - lets get play clothes on and do some puzzles!" He just sits. Natalie runs willy nilly. I can hear from the other room when amok is occuring, yet it's in front of his face and he doesn't catch it. And while I lay in bed, trying to breath through my mouth and just rest while waiting for the tylenol to kick in, a small someone keeps coming in to talk to me, or climb up on the bed to play with me, and on and on. Has Jim become so involved in a chore that he's ignoring her? No! He actually put a movie on. No, he didn't change the channel to a movie, he actually got up, got out a DVD, and PUT A MOVIE ON. Natalie ended up running around half the morning in her all together. Did he bother to look at the clock? Notice that she needed food? Anything? No. He kept saying that he was going to take her out so I could have the house to myself*, but that didn't happen till an hour before her nap time. She's still getting over being sick, she needs her nap time. But even if they walk in the door this second, we'll have screwed up bedtime. It's like I have to physically leave the house without child in order to be truly alone, and when you feel like shit, that isn't something I want to do. I don't know what they'd think at the coffee shop about a sniffling sneezing harried looking frump curled up in one of their big comfy chairs, nursing a large hot tea for 4 hours.

* Last sunday, Jim was on his dealthbed, or so it seemed since he, like most boys, turns into a big baby when sick. Natalie and I left the house at 9 for church, and went out to lunch afterwards since he wanted to sleep a little longer before we came home. We were out of the house for FOUR AND A HALF HOURS!!! I just wanted him to return the favor. He looks at me like this request is akin to cutting off his left testicle.

28 November 2008

In the spirit of...

Today is day 3 of sick Natalie. It's no fun. She's so not herself. At least her fever has somewhat broken - it's only in the 100-101 range instead of the 103-104 range. She doesn't want to eat much of anything (although she did down some turkey, tomatos, and broccoli at dinner yesterday), and she's hardly drinking. I was worried about her dehydration yesterday, but she's had two wet diapers already today and finished off about 6oz of orange juice. Poisoned orange juice, that is. I swear yesterday was like one of those spy movies where the poison is in one of the drinks and it's all suspenseful as characters start taking the wrong cup and you lose track of the poison and wonder who's going to get it. We had almost a whole shelf in the fridge with orange juice, chocolate milk, yogurt, sorbet, cranberry sauce - all laced with amoxicillin. It's like she's got radar for the stuff and would refuse to touch anything we had spiked, which we did behind her back while one person distracted her and the other added a teaspoon of medicine to her beverage or food. Problem was the food she did eat is kind of hard to hide pink bubble gum flavoring to. I think she'd be suspicious of pink turkey. I did wonder if we could inject it into cherry tomatos...she pops those like an addict pops percocet. We've had to force a dosage into her twice - one of us holding her down and one squirting into her cheeks. Vomited it up both times. Not because she didn't swallow it, but because she was in such a state that I couldn't calm her down fast enough before she got into such a tizzy and horked it all up anyway.

But I'm thankful for a pediatritian who was in the office on a holiday that I could call to ask for help. Thankful for access to medicine, and a roof over our heads to keep us comfortable as well rest and heal.

26 November 2008

Thanksgiving Schmanksgiving

So much for fun with the family and mom's home cooking. We'll be staying home, eating leftovers and whatever I can scrounge in the fridge while Natalie mends and Jim and I try not to catch her strep throat. Poor baby. She fell asleep on my lap on the couch for the first time in at least a year and a half. If she wasn't so sick I would have loved it 12 times more. Thankfully we saw the pediatrician this morning so she's on antibiotics. She's perkier, her fever is better, but she was so tired this afternoon. Fingers crossed she takes a nap appropriate for a sick toddler, not her typical hour or hour and a half. Doesn't she realize that sleeping makes everything better? Geez!

18 November 2008

2 and 3/4

What with all the hormones and everything of late, I never got around to posting for Natalie's 2 year and 9 month "birthday." She's cute, and tremendously stubborn, annoying, tempermental, and frustrating all at once. Fortunately (for her and my sanity) the cuteness is at an all time high. Lately she likes to play kangaroo, where she sits on my lap and pulls a blanket across her chest like a mama kangaroo's pocket. And we'll have entire conversations refering to each other as mama kangaroo and baby kangaroo. She also is obsessed with "Olivia Forms a Band" and the section where Olivia goes to put on make-up before going to see the fireworks. Natalie insists on re-enacting this scene everytime we get in the car. She takes the chapstick I keep in the front storage receptical, smears it on her lips and beyond and says "wipe that glop off your face right now, young lady!" Laughs hysterically, and then sometimes she'll ask for a tissue to wipe it off. We also spell a lot these days, and Jim and I were mentioning how T-I-R-E-D someone was. "T-R-D?" she says back? "Do you know what T-I-R-E-D means?" "It means nap time." Classic. Like the time she told me her name was "Natalie Claire Stop-it."

(PS - this is not a leftover summer picture, it was taken last weekend, when we were at the bay, and it was 72 degrees out. Now they are under a winter weather advisory, so I guess it all evens out in the end, but still, sand castle weather in November is awesome.)

17 November 2008

71 Days

It took 71 days to get my period. 100mg of progesterone, a lot of stress, bloating, crankiness, and general PMS-y malaise. But it's here. such a relief.

On to new excitement - turns out I had an abnormal pap smear. Yay! The fun just never ends, does it?

16 November 2008

Period Watch 2008

Nothing. Day 70 today, one week post progesterone, wondering when I should call the doctor to say "um, nothing is happening." Starting to get mildly worried that something bigger is at play than just "we're not sure what's going on" which is usually how things in my body have been interpreted.

09 November 2008

Fun of another sort

It's been 63 days since my last period, I'm on my last day of Provera to induce a period, and still nothing. Usually within the first two days of taking the progesterone I get it, but not this time. I can't even count the nimber of times I've taken the stuff to induce a period yet I don't ever remember it taking this long to come. I'm bloated as all get out (could barely shove my re-sized wedding rings on the last two mornings), cranky, and a hormonal wreck. Wondering what difference a fibroid is going to make to my usually light cycle. Wondering when the glucophage is going to kick in a start helping regulate my periods. Wondering if I have the strength to not eat my body weight in chocolate tonight.

07 November 2008


70 degrees, sunny, with a slight breeze. So we went to the zoo. Just another reason I love DC, free attractions like PANDAS. And rocks to climb on, and paths to run on with friends. And running into other friends who you didn't plan on meeting. Which meant Natalie's playgroup boyfriend and sunday school boyfriend met for the first time. Perhaps they'll face off in the future about who gets to date her. Funny, they are both about the same size with really blond hair. Perhaps at 2.5 she already had a type? All that fun = a good nap today. At least that's what I want.

03 November 2008


I find myself home alone for the first time in who knows how long. Jim took Natalie to the groccery, which will take at least an hour even though there are only about 6 things on the list and the store is 5 minutes away.

Daylight savings sucks, nothing is worse than darkness at 5pm which still feels like afternoon. Sure, getting up at 6:30 or 7 and having daylight is nice, but I'd rather have my daylight when I'm functional instead of when I'm only good for dragging my feet to the couch and turning on the news, knowing the toddler will be up in moments.

Glucophage is nice. I haven't had any side effects of it yet, other than something that is probably TMI to post here. Ok, maybe not. I'm farting all the time. Gross, yes, especially with a husband who was raised by a puritanical southern mother, and not in a household like mine where bathroom habits routinely come up at family dinners. Anyway, I attribute it to the meds. Haven't stepped on a scale, I only worked up to the full dosage this weekend, so we'll give it another week or two. I did find a pair of pants I didn't know fit...I'm hoping they were in my draw because they had gotten too tight and now they aren't, instead of just my clueless self forgetting I had them. Which is hard to do when you only have 2 pairs of non-jeans that fit.

I'm trying to be abstinant with sugar. Not working. Someone at OA this saturday mentioned that she had been off plan for a few weeks, but that today, this morning, she was abstinant. The whole concept of a fresh start, etc. I like that. However, that line of thinking doesn't seem to be working for me. Maybe it's time to seek out a sponsor. I don't know. I just want the weight off, I want to be healthy, fit into my clothes, not be disgusted with myself to the point that I am. Hmm...I'm purposefully missing the monthly mom's social at church tonight - the topic was body image, my therapist is the one speaking. Yeah, didn't need to be there. These are women I don't know too well and am hoping to foster friendships with, but I have too much baggage in this department to risk crying in front of a crowd. I know, silly. Still, it's my own inhibitions keeping me back. That and/or I worry I'd be too upfront and piss some skinny bitches off. Whatever. I'm not going. Instead I intend to park myself in front of the tv for the SNL election special with my crocheting and some tea.

Unemployeed husband situation sucks. Sure, we haven't killed each other yet, but I feel more than ever like I'm in a rut. Like I can't break out of my current situation till he has a job. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the near constant fear that he'll be judgemental, or his constant comments about how I do everything, from driving to cooking to pruning bushes. Throw an every tempermental toddler on top of it and I just want to run and hide till he gets a job. I want something special to happen in my life, something exciting, something to look forward to. I need to do that for myself, and I need to learn that I can't let outside circumstances hold me back. Or not. I don't even know anymore. Doesnt' help that when things get tough, I find myself thinking of old boyfriends. John mostly. S a little. And T who was never a boyfriend but with whom I always wondered what if...