03 November 2008

Thoughts

I find myself home alone for the first time in who knows how long. Jim took Natalie to the groccery, which will take at least an hour even though there are only about 6 things on the list and the store is 5 minutes away.

Daylight savings sucks, nothing is worse than darkness at 5pm which still feels like afternoon. Sure, getting up at 6:30 or 7 and having daylight is nice, but I'd rather have my daylight when I'm functional instead of when I'm only good for dragging my feet to the couch and turning on the news, knowing the toddler will be up in moments.

Glucophage is nice. I haven't had any side effects of it yet, other than something that is probably TMI to post here. Ok, maybe not. I'm farting all the time. Gross, yes, especially with a husband who was raised by a puritanical southern mother, and not in a household like mine where bathroom habits routinely come up at family dinners. Anyway, I attribute it to the meds. Haven't stepped on a scale, I only worked up to the full dosage this weekend, so we'll give it another week or two. I did find a pair of pants I didn't know fit...I'm hoping they were in my draw because they had gotten too tight and now they aren't, instead of just my clueless self forgetting I had them. Which is hard to do when you only have 2 pairs of non-jeans that fit.

I'm trying to be abstinant with sugar. Not working. Someone at OA this saturday mentioned that she had been off plan for a few weeks, but that today, this morning, she was abstinant. The whole concept of a fresh start, etc. I like that. However, that line of thinking doesn't seem to be working for me. Maybe it's time to seek out a sponsor. I don't know. I just want the weight off, I want to be healthy, fit into my clothes, not be disgusted with myself to the point that I am. Hmm...I'm purposefully missing the monthly mom's social at church tonight - the topic was body image, my therapist is the one speaking. Yeah, didn't need to be there. These are women I don't know too well and am hoping to foster friendships with, but I have too much baggage in this department to risk crying in front of a crowd. I know, silly. Still, it's my own inhibitions keeping me back. That and/or I worry I'd be too upfront and piss some skinny bitches off. Whatever. I'm not going. Instead I intend to park myself in front of the tv for the SNL election special with my crocheting and some tea.

Unemployeed husband situation sucks. Sure, we haven't killed each other yet, but I feel more than ever like I'm in a rut. Like I can't break out of my current situation till he has a job. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the near constant fear that he'll be judgemental, or his constant comments about how I do everything, from driving to cooking to pruning bushes. Throw an every tempermental toddler on top of it and I just want to run and hide till he gets a job. I want something special to happen in my life, something exciting, something to look forward to. I need to do that for myself, and I need to learn that I can't let outside circumstances hold me back. Or not. I don't even know anymore. Doesnt' help that when things get tough, I find myself thinking of old boyfriends. John mostly. S a little. And T who was never a boyfriend but with whom I always wondered what if...

1 comment:

HeatherB said...

Sorry you're having a tough time right now. Sending you all the long distance (((HUGS)))) I can muster and all my good thoughts and prayers.

Oh and the farting is definitly the glucophage- my Daddy takes it- same thing!