29 January 2009

Full

My head is swimming these days. between toddler wrangling and unemployed husband wrangling, I'm losing sight of which way is up. I feel soley responsible for keeping this family together and the stress of that is really beating me down. Not to mention I'm the breadwinner right now, a role I never wanted to have. Damn me and my sensibleness in keeping a steady paycheck coming from the same source for over seven years now. It's served us well twice now when we've needed me to take command. Still, finances are thin. We've used up the severence and I had to dip into savings. Sure, we could spend less. That's hard. Harder for Jim than me. Hard for me when I find myself shopping in an effort to keep from eating. If we could both just put the kibbosh on anything that isn't (a) food (b) gas or (c) job interview related, we'd be much closer to fine. I feel so stuck in a rut right now, my therapist help me understand things right now - I've been having intense nesting urges. I'm not pregnant, but I've spent way too much time with the Ikea catalogue and tape measure, working out how to fit this here, and move that there, and replace the cheap crappy shelves with the more sturdy and solid ones, and if we had this cabinet then that stuff could get out of the hall closet and the hall closet could actually be used as a closet. Why I've been planning all these things out in my head, I don't know. Therapist pointed out that I'm probably craving change that bad. I want my husband to get a job and not be home all do, but since I can't give him the job, maybe I can change my surroundings. It's so bad, me and my 790+ credit score were considering opening an Ikea credit card so I could make all these purchases. Now that's bad.

Doesn't help that our 5 year anniversary is coming up. Blah. I don't really care. I don't feel like I have a husband right now, I have a roommate. Someone I argue with about chores and am stuck being around all the time. I realized today too that I want him to go to work so I can look forward to seeing him at the end of the day, instead of wanting to get rid of him at the end of the day. "Familiarity breads contempt" is the moral of this post. I need some absense to make my heart grow fonder.

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