30 March 2009

New Week

Starting off the week without a toddler isn't too bad. I post this while taking a break from work...If I stare at the damn spreadsheet any longer my eyes are going to cross. Natalie is playing at a friend's house from school. I'm paying her mother with a big bottle of gin for the favor. She's probably goint to take Natalie for me for a few monday's untill I get something more permanat figured out. A friend and I may do a nanny share on fridays. Having been a nanny in a past life, I find that wierd, but then again, I don't think my 22 year old self could have imagined life like it is now - swamped with work, dealing with a schmuck of a husband, depression, and a three year old thrown in for fun. Having a nanny once a week for 6-8 hours will be HEAVEN. Besides getting a leg up on work, I might actually start cleaning my house with regularity. Imagine! What luxury! There's something about knowing there is a block of time ahead where you will not be the one responsible for your child that is so freeing...I think of all the closests I can clean out, the junk I can put on ebay or craigslist or freecycle to get rid of...And the tax write off! In doing taxes this year, I had no idea you could write off child care if it was performed for you while doing work!!

So much on my mind, but right now, I need to get back to work so I can swing by the groccery before picking Natalie up. Imagine, groccery shopping alone for a change - I bet I can be in and out of there in 10 minutes! Whee!

27 March 2009


Vacation is done with. It was fun while it lasted, but by the end, I was so ready to come home. The drive wasn't too bad, we did it in a little over six hours with stops, which is about my limit I think. Fortunately there was scenery much of the way and evenly spaced urban areas to break up the trip, and Natalie was a total peach in the car. A few new car toys definitely helped.

I'm totally fried this week. I don't know what's up. Actually, I do. It's a combination of things: Spending all day with a three year old, not getting to hang with my friends at playgroup, a three year old with mood swings and attitude, my friend's two-month old being hospitalized, the looming cloud of depression and the rising storm that will be marriage counseling next week, mountains of laundry, a house that seems to get messier the more I try and pick it up, and a job that I hate that is kicking my ass with nit-picky requests and complaints and things that I can't actually do anything about except go to my POC's once again and pass along the requests.*

Functioning at a minimum level...I was hoping to use my afternoon with the babysitter here (her one day this week) to clean my desk and the office and sort through some piles. A cup of coffee, some good music, no interruptions, and the satisfaction of running things through the shredder or filling up a trash bag would leave me in a better frame of mind. Except that I actually have work that came up that I need to do. Freelance work, not my "job" work, but still. Argh. I came to the conclusion last night that as nice as it is to have the security of a part time job and the salary that goes with it, We need to figure out a way for me to not have that job at all. Either push my photography or etsy ambitions** (still haven't opened that etsy shop I've been talking about for a year now - but am doing a table at my friend's Waldorf school spring craft fair), plus up the freelancing, and just can the salary job all together.

Anyway, something has to be done. I just can't go one like this.

* I hear that if I worked at an ad agency, my job title would be "traffic manager" or something to that effect. I'm the conduit between our HQ and 9 regional offices and the gov print shop. I have a POC there who then passes out the work orders I send their way to the appropriate people, along with a budget manager who handles our account and warehouse people. So it's me and my POC who talk constantly (and why I can do my job from home, since he's in OKC and I'm in DC). Except he just left on a 6 month detail last week. Happy for him as a friend, bummed as I feel like I was left high and dry. And the two people who were going to be helping me in his absense? Both left to go on training this week.

** we rent our basement walk-out apartment - current tennant is a sweetheart, she's in med school with the Air Force. They do rotations by sending you for 6-8 weeks at a time to different military hospitals around the country. So we're like an expensive storage unit for her, with someone to watch her stuff, drive her car once a week so it doesn't die, and pick up her mail. Plus we know that our rent is like half her housing allowance, so it works out well for everyone. While she's gone, her living room is turning into my SEWING ROOM. I can't wait. She leaves this weekend for almost 6 MONTHS. Three rotations, she said she'll be back for a week in June, and maybe a few weeks in August, but mostly gone till the Fall. Granted she'll be spending part of her summer in Hawaii, so there are perks to her situation, but still, can't imagine being gone from home for 6 months and living out of a suitcase.

12 March 2009


Am tired, overwhelmed, and going on vacation next week. If you can call it a vacation since there will be 8 adults and 5 kids sharing a house at the beach in North Carolina. All members of Jim's family. Many of whom are great, some of whom drive me up a wall. Still, it's a change of scenery, a chance to let other people care for Natalie (like cousins), I have a book or six, my anti-anxiety meds, and we are 600ft from the beach. Guess where I will be spending much of my time? They may have to drag me from the beach each night kicking and screaming. Although there might be enough bedrooms that I could have my own. At worst, they all have king sized beds, so Jim can be a mile away.

Still haven't figured out a way to tell Jim we ARE going to marriage counseling. Never seems to be the right time, and now we're headed into vacation week with HIS family. Great. Hard to put on a happy face when you are married to someone emotionally and verbally abusive. There. Said it. It sucks.

I'll be back.