30 April 2009

Day 4

Treated myself to a salad from chipolte today for lunch...with STEAK! I cannot get enough red meat it seems. Anyway, it was tasty and satisfying and kept my mind from wandering to the popeye's or arby's which were also on my way home from running errands. The salad was probably a million and a half calories since I said "yes please!" to the sour cream and cheese on top - do I get points for not having any dressing on it? Yeah, didn't think so. Oh well. The only sugar/carbs I've had these days is from cheese, glorious cheese. Going out to dinner with friends tonight and I wouldn't have agreed to it if I didn't know that the choosen restaurant has an awesome goat cheese and tomato salad. Gotta say, my #2's have been something else lately. I really think I've been overdoing the spinach. Oops. Must cut back a little on the leafy greens...
I did step on the scale at the gym yesterday and holy mother of pete, that number was HUGE. Like 2lbs away from the weight I was the day I checked into the hospital to give birth. And I had gained 60lbs with my pregnancy. Nice. Oh well...I figure it can only come down. I'll step on the scale again in either (a) a month or (b) if I notice I have to cinch my belt more to keep my pants up. I'm hoping (b) comes first, because even if there isn't much/any weight loss at that point, at least I'll know I'm heading in the right direction for more wardrobe options!

28 April 2009

Day 2

Forgive me sisters for I have sinned: I had a bite of rice crispie treat at playgroup today. Then I decided to treat myself to a decaf iced coffee so as not to dwell on my error, went home, and ate a pile of chicken salad. Considering there were biscits, donuts, and croissants on top of the rice crispie treats, and the fact that I ate about 4 eggs with spinach and feta with some ham instead and ignored everything else, not too shabby. Still, I shouldn't have had that bite but I'll get over it. It's the only sucrose I've had since sunday. Fructose - minimal, lactose - some.

It's expensive being on a "diet." Not that fresh veggies are all that pricey, it's that I like to top things off with goat cheese and steak. I've been craving red meat lately like nobody's business, I wonder if it's hormonal/menstrual/blood/iron related. Tonight - london broil and spinach salad. Yum. Who needs rice crispie treats when you can have a side of cow for dinner?!

27 April 2009

Today

Today is the day I start the "diet." I hate that word. So many times I've struggled, gone back and forth, for better or worse, but today I'm going hard core. Meals aren't the big issue for me, it's the treats, the snacking, the emotional eating, eating out of frustration, feeling down and like only chocolate will bring me back up, or french fries, or dorittos.

I'm trying not to think about the things I shouldn't eat, but focus instead on my weekly OA meeting next saturday, and how awesome it would be to say I've been abstinant from sugar for the whole week. Or even just a few days leading up to the meeting. That encourages me. Knowing there's that accountability from a room full of people who *know* how hard it is, even before you throw in the PCOS and hormones and shit. I've got plenty of handwork to keep me busy during those tricky evening hours (nothing makes me happier than being parked in front of the TV with sewing - I can't just watch TV - ok, maybe I could sit and watch the Office b/c I'd be laughing my ass off the whole time - I have to have something to do or I get antsy and go eat or come on the computer and google old boyfriends or something equally appauling) where snacking is so easy to do without thinking.

With the new found upswing in hormones (I'm on day 16 of my cycle and dare I say - I think I OVULATED this weekend!!), I'm finding a new sort of optimism. I dug out some old pics from college, trying to find the ones of this guy...that's a whole 'nother story...and I saw how happy and SKINNY I was. And you know what? It didn't piss me off - it made me thing "sure, I could be that thin again!" Ok, realistically? Could I ever look like my 22 year old pre-baby self again? Maybe not. But throw 20lbs on that girl and I'd be THRILLED. I look forward to the end of the summer and going back to nursery school and maybe being 20lbs less and having people notice. How cool would that be? To go shopping in my own closet for clothes I haven't worn in an ice age. These things are making me excited, so strange, since they've always made me depressed.

So we're going to run with it. I did some groccery shopping last week, will make a quick run this morning for a few more things, and there you have it. I've got ideas lined up for salads with grilled chicken, grilled steak, grilled vegetables, treating myself to a log of goat cheese to put on salads (my favorite!), homemade guacamole for dipping veggies in for snacking, peanuts to snack on too, and maybe I'll even make myself some sugar free chocolate peanut brittle for a treat. But later in the week when I can use the stove again b/c we're currently in an April heatwave and it's to damn HOT out to heat up the kitchen. But this is good. I'm confident for the first time in forever that I can actually do this.

19 April 2009

Even crazier still...

As if getting my period in 29 days wasn't the nuttiest thing to happen to me in a while, the fact that my period WENT AWAY in 5 days ALL BY ITSELF is equally shocking. I'm completely gobsmacked by this new event in my life, and what's totally wacky, is the fact that I have felt GOOD this week. I can't tell you the last time I could say that. Sure, there were moments when I wanted to hang my toddler out the window by her toenails (or her father for that matter), but over all, I felt GOOD.

For someone who's been dealing with depression now for 3ish years, having a week like this is a little un-nerving. Like somethings wrong and everything is going to go back to the normal you've been struggling to accept for some time. But I hope not. I feel optimistic, something I only barely want to admit because it feels so wrong. It's truly unbelieveable. I had to refrain from updating my facebook profile but decided those classmates I haven't spoken to since high school graduation didn't need to know the gory details. I did share the good news with my girl friends at brunch on saturday, so to the tables that were sitting around us, I'm sorry you had to hear about a strange woman's menstrual cycles. But then again, you also had to hear about poop and vomit, so it all depends on what you feel is worse brunch conversation. Throw in the breastfeeding that was going on and the hysterical laughter we were engaging in and I'm sure we pissed off at least one person in the restaurant. Who fucking cares. It was awesome, and I feel good. The rest of the world can just deal.

14 April 2009

Bizzarro

So the craziest thing happened the other day: I got my period on day 29 of my cycle. And it would not be an exaguration to say that I think this is the FIRST TIME EVER I've gotten my period in a "normal" amount of time. The closest I've come to this before is a period that came every 5-7ish weeks, starting and stopping a few days later on its own, and repeating for a little over a year. That was close to 9 years ago. I have my fingers crossed that my period will now stop on its own, but for now, I'm simply in shock as to have gotten my period at all without help. Well, not entirely without help. I've been on metformin for almost 6 months now. I remember reading somewhere that it could take up to 6 months to be fully effective in your system. Well, I guess that is the truth in my situation. I almost can't believe it's true!! For once, something is working. PCOS be damned, I will get my body back where I want it.

In other news, I have a new blog, devoted to sewing and all things crafty. That one will be written so that my mom and husband could read it, unlike this one. Heh heh heh :)
Come visit!

06 April 2009

Vindication

Nothing like getting a gift certificate for three sessions with a personal trainer for a valentine's day gift. Sure, some would enjoy this. I saw it as a dig. I work out as often as I can (which sadly isn't as often as I'd like, but it's still in the 4+ days a week range which isn't too shabby and I've learned not to beat myself up for the days when I don't make it out to do anything). I'm an ex-swimmer and ex-rower who has been athletic and active my whole life. I just also have this horrid combination of shit in my life making it miserably hard to lose weight - PCOS, thyorid, depression, a needy toddler, and a schmuck of a husband who thinks personal training sessions are a good idea to give someone who is in my current state. Regardless, my PT also has PCOS, and while she's the wellness director at the Y and doesn't usually do PT, she took me on because she understands where I am. So much to Jim's chagrin, we're not coming up with some grand weightloss plan, or doing massive amounts of cardio on top of weights. No, she decided to come up with a bunch of different circuts of 3-4 exercizes each that I can then walk away with after our three sessions and do on my own (it'll be like 3 circuts for legs, 3 for upperbody, and 3 for ans/core), mix'n'match, do at home even since they are more resistance based and not on machines. Something to shake it up a little and switch up my routine.

As we've been working together twice now, she asked on friday if I'd ever consider teaching classes, since my form is so good and I obviously know what I'm doing. A compliment if I ever heard one from someone who is in the wellness profession to someone who is a giant blob right now. Apparently there is more muscle underneath the fat than I thought since I'm doing pretty well with these work outs and she's pushing me more than she expected she would.

So take that, Jim. You think I need a personal trainer and the personal trainer thinks I should consider doing training myself. Ha! I wish he could come to my last session next week with me...he wouldn't be able to walk afterwards...especially if we do those lunge walks with the medicine ball again...my ass is still feeling it three days later...but in a good way!