Today is the day I start the "diet." I hate that word. So many times I've struggled, gone back and forth, for better or worse, but today I'm going hard core. Meals aren't the big issue for me, it's the treats, the snacking, the emotional eating, eating out of frustration, feeling down and like only chocolate will bring me back up, or french fries, or dorittos.
I'm trying not to think about the things I shouldn't eat, but focus instead on my weekly OA meeting next saturday, and how awesome it would be to say I've been abstinant from sugar for the whole week. Or even just a few days leading up to the meeting. That encourages me. Knowing there's that accountability from a room full of people who *know* how hard it is, even before you throw in the PCOS and hormones and shit. I've got plenty of handwork to keep me busy during those tricky evening hours (nothing makes me happier than being parked in front of the TV with sewing - I can't just watch TV - ok, maybe I could sit and watch the Office b/c I'd be laughing my ass off the whole time - I have to have something to do or I get antsy and go eat or come on the computer and google old boyfriends or something equally appauling) where snacking is so easy to do without thinking.
With the new found upswing in hormones (I'm on day 16 of my cycle and dare I say - I think I OVULATED this weekend!!), I'm finding a new sort of optimism. I dug out some old pics from college, trying to find the ones of this guy...that's a whole 'nother story...and I saw how happy and SKINNY I was. And you know what? It didn't piss me off - it made me thing "sure, I could be that thin again!" Ok, realistically? Could I ever look like my 22 year old pre-baby self again? Maybe not. But throw 20lbs on that girl and I'd be THRILLED. I look forward to the end of the summer and going back to nursery school and maybe being 20lbs less and having people notice. How cool would that be? To go shopping in my own closet for clothes I haven't worn in an ice age. These things are making me excited, so strange, since they've always made me depressed.
So we're going to run with it. I did some groccery shopping last week, will make a quick run this morning for a few more things, and there you have it. I've got ideas lined up for salads with grilled chicken, grilled steak, grilled vegetables, treating myself to a log of goat cheese to put on salads (my favorite!), homemade guacamole for dipping veggies in for snacking, peanuts to snack on too, and maybe I'll even make myself some sugar free chocolate peanut brittle for a treat. But later in the week when I can use the stove again b/c we're currently in an April heatwave and it's to damn HOT out to heat up the kitchen. But this is good. I'm confident for the first time in forever that I can actually do this.