29 May 2009

Good end

My faith is pretty strong, I believe God does things for a reason, that this grand universe isn't just some coincidental arrangement of matter. However, there are times, when I feel like there is a such a thing as karma, and it is on my side. Take tonight, for instance. I had a hell of a day - my babysitter crapped out on me for the 2nd or third time - no show, no call. I had piles of work to do and an over tired toddler on my hands who wouldn't rest, let a long take a nap. I ended up getting nothing done except spend a relatively calm hour playing dominos with Natalie. By the time Jim came home, I need to get OUT or I was going to have to pop another lorazapam which I already did once this week and like to try and avoid if at all possible. I had some proofs that needed to get fedexed, so I threw them in the car, hit the fedex office by way of target so I could get some packing tape b/c I always seem to lose the one roll we have in the house. Made it there just as the truck was getting loaded up for the night. Sweet! Figured I'd call Jim, see if they went for a walk or something, considered stopping somewhere to wander before going right home. Jim didn't answer which meant to me that I shouldn't go home yet.

As I was waiting at a light, poking around inside his car which I normally don't drive, I found a $25 Barnes and Noble gift card. It had a "I voted" sticker on it, so I know it was at least from November. And look! There's a Barnes a Nobles two blocks off the road I'm taking home! I pop in, check to see how much is left on the card and guess what? It's still worth $25!! 20minutes of trolling the shelves and I had two paperbacks to purchase. Perfect pool reading (as I have this thing about not taking library books places like the pool or beach where they could get ruined) for the summer!

And it gets better! I get home, find Natalie in her pajamas with a book picked out to read, and also find out that she peed all over the couch (never happened before) and JIM HAD TO CLEAN IT UP. How many times in the past 3 years have I changed bedding that has been peed on? Too many to count. How many times has he done that? ZERO. I felt so...justified. It was the final little push of hope that the universe hasn't forgotten me that I needed. A little breather out by myself, to come home and find a mess that I DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH. Ahhhh....almost as good as a big glass of wine to relax one's soul.

27 May 2009

Day Who the Fuck Cares

I've got a call into my doctor.

I've gone down hill ever since the PMS hit 2+ weeks ago. It sucks. I felt so *good* for a while there, starting in early april, getting my period in 29days, being tired and exhausted but actually being able to say I feel *good* was fantastic. My diet was easy for the first time in forever, I don't know why, it just was. I stuck to my food plan with minimal if any strayings, and it was OK. Things were not calling my name from the fridge for the first time in forever. Then pms hit. Fine. I took it as a sign that my period was just around the corner. Nothing. Nothing for a week and a half. then 5 days of progesterone, 5mg in the morning and 5mg again at night. Hopped up on hormones is real fun, especially when you throw in a marriage counseling session on day five. I was cranky, irritable, just wanted my period to come because I knew I'd feel better. Well, it came. Of course when I was visiting my parent's in their little small town on the bay with 350 year round residents. Had to drive to the next town over, the one with the stop sign and a genral store/gas station/post office to buy their one box of tampons. Heaviest period in ages for me. Not since I had that clot in my uterus 10months post partum. Had to have mom rescue me at the beach with additional supplies before I left a red ass print on my beach chair.

Aside from the bloating being a bit better, I still have my period, and I feel even shittier than I did a week ago, and that's with a long weekend away inbetween where I had no responsibities except breathing, napping, and catching up on some reading. So a call into my gynos office. We'll see what she has to say. We'll see if I can make it through the appointment without bursting into tears.

20 May 2009

Big Girl

I realize I've gotten out of the habit of posting about Natalie, instead choosing to focus all about ME! ME ME ME!!! OK, she's three, the monthly milestones aren't as dramatic as they were 2+ years ago. Plus, PCOS, eating sugar free, and all that crap have kind of invaded my thoughts constantly and in order to clear my head I find I need to write it down here. Which is good. I'm on day 38 of my cycle, I've been PMS-y since about day 26, I just finished my progesterone yesterday so hopefully in a few days I'll finally get my period. Just in time to be at the bay (beach = bathing suit = sucks) memorial day weekend. Great.

Anyway, here's a pic of the little lady, who shows signs of being fiercely independent like her mother. She dressed herself, and yes, that is a cardigan UNDER her shirt. She's also listening to a little "Single Ladies" on my ipod, which she then sang to herself the rest of the morning. Nice.

18 May 2009


I think it's easy, especially here in Washington, DC, to get wrapped up in money, and making enough to support a certain level of lifestyle, etc. We've always been on the bottom of the middle class, I have to work or we couldn't afford this house, and would be living, crammed into a small two bedroom apt, and probably barely have survived Jim's most recent layoff this past fall. Not that people don't live that way, and even if that is how we were living, we'd be thankful for the roof over our heads and all that. But we like the luxury of little things, like a yard, a neighborhood to play in, a basement to store our crap in, a shed to keep our bikes in (instead of hanging them from the ceiling in our apartment living room), the ability to paint our walls colors that we find soothing, to put nails in the wall anywhere we please, to turn on our own heat and A/C instead of waiting for the building mgmt to do it. So we work, and I work, and we don't really go on vacations in the grand sense of the word, but overalll, it's labor and sacrifices I'm wiling to make and do to keep our status quo.

But...sometimes our spending starts edging into the middle-middle class, and we had a lot of it this spring. Jim spent way too much on me for our 5th anniversary (still have that spa gift certificate I need to use...), he got a job requiring him to wear suits and ties more often than ever, so off to shopping he went - to Marshall's, and TJ Maxx, and the Macy's and JC Penny sale racks. Got an incredible amount of quality clothes (2 suits - one was Ralph Lauren at Marshalls!, 5-6 dress shirts, 2-3 new ties, and a couple pairs of new trousers) for a few hundred. Then taxes screwed us (my W-4's weren't as well calculated as I thought to compensate for the freelance work I do that is untaxed), and here we are, 3 months into his new job, still feeling like we're living paycheck to paycheck.

Just this morning, I emailed Jim with his friendly monday morning weekly family schedule (because he can't be bothered to look at the big calendar in the kitchen), and mentioned that we should pray for provision for our bills, and self-control to really only spend money on things we need in the moment, as anything else can wait. I'm a firm believer in God providing for His people, especially when we have the faith to trust that he will take care of us. I saw my parents faithfulness growing up, through the lean years, how things always managed to work out. I wrote our monthly tithe check just yesterday at church, knowing full well that that because I wrote that check, I was now going to have to take money out of our savings account to cover the rest of the May bills. But tithing is important, and we should give to God what is his before we give to Ceasar what is Ceasars (there's a reference in the New Testament somewhere as to that passage, but don't ask me what it is).

And what do I find in my work email today, the account with my contractor that I don't check often (vs. the federal one I check constantly)? An email from my supervisor telling me that I've been approved to start charging an additional 5 hours/week to my contract, and am able to bill an additional 5 beyond that if needed without approval for overtime. So yay! This comes to, after taxes, roughly $100 a paycheck more, which is so needed since my paychecks shrunk a few months ago when I re-worked my w-4's so as not to get screwed again when we do our 2009 taxes.

Sure, this option has been on the table for a while, it was bound to get approved one of these days, but the timing couldn't be more obvious, at least to me, that God was saying "Thanks for thinking of me and putting your tithe before your bills. See? I've got your back. It'll all work out."

I'm so strung out with this job, that if they didn't approve the extra hours (it's wierd being salaried and hourly all at the same time...can't ask for a raise, but you can get more hours on your contract...), I was starting to formulate plans in my head as to how I could quit and we could still pay bills. Sure, my etsy shop is finally up and running (http://tinyapple.etsy.com), but there's no way that's going to be a source of income beyond fueling some non-essential purchases (like that 2nd tattoo I've been wanting for a while, or new back yard furniture that isn't the craptastic, starting to fall apart from over use plastic stuff we got at Home Depot when we first moved in). But for now, we're set, we'll cross the next bridge when we get to it. Lord knows we've had enough hurdles to get over before, so long as there's no layoff for Jim in the near future, I think we can handle just about anything.

16 May 2009

Day 22

A new word for the dieters lexicon: Splendenima

One of the pitfalls of going off sugar and carbs combined with a diminishing sense of hope that my hormones were working the right way on their own after 6 months of help from the metformin is overdoing the sugar free chocolate pudding cups. My period is a week "late" (no, not pregnant), and I've been PMS-y for a week and a half now. Headaches, occasional cramps, irritability, and everyone's favorite: Chocolate cravings. I've still been sticking mostly to my food plan, I'd say I'm about 75% on target. I don't snack as much, nor do I crave muchies between meals. I haven't eaten half a bag of hershey's kisses in weeks, nor have I inhaled a baked good at lightening speed in 22 days. But that 19 menstrual cycle last go around seems to have been a fantasy, leading me on like cheap hooker that good things were bound to come and then they didn't. Haven't. I'm on my 3rd day of progesterone to induce a period. Usually I'd wait till at least 6-7 weeks to start the progesterone, but the PMS is so obvious I can't stand the thought of waiting that long. I'm hoping that when it does come, I'll go back to feeling more human again. Just sucks that for a chunk of time every few weeks I'm a wreck, and that that chunk of time could be 2-3 days like it is for many women, I bet, or 2-3 weeks in my case. Sucks sucks sucks.

Guess I'll be calling my friendly neighborhood gyno soon for a visit, especially since I have no more refills left for the progesterone. At the rate I'm going, I'll be taking it for a while longer still.

08 May 2009

Day 12

stupid stupid stupid.

I got on the scale yesterday at the Y. Was feeling good, I've really been making smart choices, not eating bread, sugar, pasta, anything like that. What did I weigh? 2 more pounds than when I weighed myself two weeks ago at the start of all this. Fuck. However, if this month goes like next month, I'll be getting my period this weekend, which would be awesome. So I'm trying to convince myself that these 2lbs are just pre-period bloating/water weight. But it's hard. And if I do get my period this weekend, do I go weigh myself afterwards? Probably shouldn't, but that's going to be hard to. I'm so desparate to see a change, even a little one, that it's going to be hard to restrain myself.

04 May 2009

Day 8

I sucked the cheese off Natalie's macaroni the other day. Then I spit the un-cheesed pasta into the trash. Classy, I tell ya.

Had a piece of pizza last night. Yummy. Now the dang thing is no longer in the freezer staring at me everytime I open the freezer door. And Jim has strict orders to never buy one again, even if it is on a huge sale.

Despite the rain, I have plans to grill up a pack of sirloins I got on sale, some chicken, and some sausage. Then freeze for ready made protein. I'll make a chunky vegetable tomato sauce and put sausage chunks in there. I'll eat as-is, Jim and Natalie can have some pasta with theirs I suppose. Chicken and steak go on salads, but I'm cutting back my spinach intake a smidge, if you know what I mean. Blue cheese dressing was on sale so I'm stocked on that, but am out of goat cheese. Why?! Discovered that a scoop of guacamole on top of veggie chilli is delish. Like putting yougert on top of curried lentils. Mmmm...must get more of those, too.

Big craft fair at friend's school is next weekend... can't believe I have a table and many many things I've made to sell! Kind of exciting and scary all at the same time. I just need to recoup costs, any extra goes to something fun of my choosing, I just don't know what yet. Lots of details HERE. Whee!