03 June 2010

Death Watch 2010

Hmmm...as soon as I typed this title, I realized I had used it before. Well, it's grandma's turn. She's been in and out of the hospital with congestive heart failure and then a diabetes caused infection on her foot, and then she was back in the nursing/rehab side of her senior residence when she decided to get up in the middle of the night and fell and conked her head. The nurses left her sans walker or wheelchair on purpose, because she wasn't strong enough to walk herself. So...back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a month and now that she's there and they are monitoring her, her heart seems to be giving out. It gets arhythmic, they come in and massage her chest, then it goes back to normal. She's also not always with it anymore.

So...we're off to visit this weekend, Natalie and I. To say goodbye, really. And I can't help but feel that once she sees her great-granddaughter, that'll be it. Natalie has been her only reason to live for the past two years since grandpa died anyway. Once grandma feels she's said goodbye, I'm sure she'll pass. There's no fear of what the afterlife holds for her (duh, we're Christians, this was one Godly woman, we know where she'll be), there's no pain about a life cut short. I hope if this is her time, it goes quickly and painlessly. I'm wondering at what point they'll release her from the hospital and send her "home" to be on hospice. I'm wondering if our 3-day trip is going to turn into a week or more with a funeral to plan for...no sense driving home only to come back 2 days later.

I'm just praying that when we get there, she's lucid at least long enough for us to visit, and I'm praying with all my might that Natalie doesn't do the shy 4-year-old thing but is her bubbly self, dancing and singing and telling stories. Funny, her birthday was tuesday (86) and we didn't get her card in the mail in time - Natalie had painted some pictures and they weren't dry before the post-office closed before the 3-day memorial day weekend. So grandma's card is sitting at the nursing/rehab desk waiting for her return, a return that might not happen.

12 March 2010

Bad blogger

It's been ages since I've posted here. I'm wondering if I should starting posting more again. It is cathartic, afterall, to get my thoughts and feelings out of my system and not dwell on things. Then again, when do I have time? It's been ages since I've just sat at the computer and did nothing. I'm either working my ass off at the paid job or working my ass off at my photography, refining my online presence/portfolios, working on pics from my latest job (which I've had a few of and more in the works this spring!). My five year plan means officially calling myself a photographer and ditching the salaried job that gives me headaches. My two year plan is to be making enough extra from my photography that we no longer need to rent out our basement apartment and can therefore turn that space into a family room and office/guest room. That also requires enough money in savings to buy a few more pieces of furniture to help with the spread-out. Maybe by then we'd even have another munchkin in the house so my office could turn into a nursery. Wishful thinking...the infertility is sucking a lot lately. I'm so over due for a period that even with taking provera I haven't managed to induce one yet. It's been 8 days or ramped up hormones and PMS waiting...waiting...and still nothing. I bet if I put on a pair of white pants and went out in public I'd get it in an instant. Perhaps that's not that crazy of an idea...I'm that desperate for something to start happening down there.

07 January 2010

Always fun times

I love my endocrinologist, I really do. BUT, my right thyroid gland felt bulky again at my annual check up. Damn. This means I get to schedule a sonogram again. Happened two years ago, so I don't know if it's the same nodule or a new one or what. Could be cancer (she says casually). There's only 6 known cases in my family including my mother and her mother who had thyroid cancer...my grandmother - the one whose health issues I seem to be mimicking so far - got it when she was in her early thirties. Turning 32 in a couple of weeks! Yay! Whatever. I'm not as freaked out as I was last time - maybe because that time prompet my endo to send my test/scan results to a thyroid cancer specialist she knows at The Good Medical Center, including getting 9 pages of my mom's thyroid/cancer records released to my endo who sent them along to this specialist as well to make sure that mom's cancer wasn't they type that they now have a genetic marker or some such thing for. Going that extra mile? Yeah, this will be OK. Just kinda sucky in that whole "there's ALWAYS something else." I can't tell you the last time I went to the doctor and walked out with nothing but a handshake and "See you in a year." Oh well.

05 January 2010

On Facebook

A select few of you who know of this blog are also facebook friends. The funny thing is I haven't met most of you, either, being that you were a friend back in the day on those infamous WW boards. Those days when I'd sit in my cubicle bored out of my skull wanting to gnaw my arm off for lact of anything better to do so I'd post there instead. Anyway...

For those few that know (because you got an invite) and those that don't, I started my little photography business. Seems really official now as I not only have an online portfolio, a hard version of my portfolio, business cards, marketing postcards that I distributed this fall, but also a facebook page. I also have a friend who is a former marketing director trying to convince me I need to start tweeting, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Eek.

So, the facebook page. I sent an invite to everyone on my friends list to become a fan of my photography business, and I am SO TICKLED that two people in particular signed on in a matter of minutes after my email went out. Now my husband still isn't a fan, but that's probably in part because (a) he rarely facebooks and (b) he's jealous that I'm starting the business he wanted to start 3 years ago when he spent money we didn't have on a $900 digital camera so he could start his business. I encouraged him to work on a portfolio, scan in old negatives/slides, go out shooting, but he never did. Oh well. His loss.

Now these two people are both guys, and pretty much two of the only people I've reconnected with on facebook that made me bite my nails after I sent them a friend request, waiting to see if they would accept. Because they meant a LOT to me during some formidable years (college) and I have self-esteem issues and I worried that I didn't mean as much to them as they did to me. Well, they did friend me, and we've conversed a few times, and it's AWESOME. It's like closure that these relationships (one just friends, one dating) happened to the degree that I imagined and I haven't been forgotten. And then these two guys are two of the first to become fans of my business page? It's just made me so thrilled to know they care. Sucks that neither are in the area (Boston and NYC) or I'd be shooting one's wife and kid (with one on the way) and the other with his band. Oh well. They can always take a road trip! I do live mere miles from some of the biggest tourist attractions in the country.