l'aubergine joyeuse

Baby Watch 2011

2011-01-13T18:11:00.003-05:00

Oh my, bad blogger. I know. Baby #2 is emminent...as in if she's not here in 15 days she's being forceably evicted. I'm ripe and stretched and sooooo ready to get her out. Not so much because this pregnancy has sucked (it hasn't, although the last month or two have really been pushing my limit), but because I want to MEET her! I want to see that sweet face, to hold her, nurse her, play with all ten fingers and ten toes. I want to see if she has hair or is bald like her sister, to see who she looks like. I just want her out. In due time...

What's ironic is that we found out I was pregnant the day after my last post, the day before I went to say goodbye to my grandmother. Which meant we got to tell her she was going to be a greatgrandmother again, bringing so much joy at her last moments, that two weeks later when we were at the funeral, people kept coming up and congratulating us. I guess those who saw her on her few lucid days heard the news, and it spread like wildfire. Nothing to bring a tear of joy to your eye like the circle of life.

Death Watch 2010

2010-06-03T13:17:00.002-04:00

Hmmm...as soon as I typed this title, I realized I had used it before. Well, it's grandma's turn. She's been in and out of the hospital with congestive heart failure and then a diabetes caused infection on her foot, and then she was back in the nursing/rehab side of her senior residence when she decided to get up in the middle of the night and fell and conked her head. The nurses left her sans walker or wheelchair on purpose, because she wasn't strong enough to walk herself. So...back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a month and now that she's there and they are monitoring her, her heart seems to be giving out. It gets arhythmic, they come in and massage her chest, then it goes back to normal. She's also not always with it anymore.

So...we're off to visit this weekend, Natalie and I. To say goodbye, really. And I can't help but feel that once she sees her great-granddaughter, that'll be it. Natalie has been her only reason to live for the past two years since grandpa died anyway. Once grandma feels she's said goodbye, I'm sure she'll pass. There's no fear of what the afterlife holds for her (duh, we're Christians, this was one Godly woman, we know where she'll be), there's no pain about a life cut short. I hope if this is her time, it goes quickly and painlessly. I'm wondering at what point they'll release her from the hospital and send her "home" to be on hospice. I'm wondering if our 3-day trip is going to turn into a week or more with a funeral to plan for...no sense driving home only to come back 2 days later.

I'm just praying that when we get there, she's lucid at least long enough for us to visit, and I'm praying with all my might that Natalie doesn't do the shy 4-year-old thing but is her bubbly self, dancing and singing and telling stories. Funny, her birthday was tuesday (86) and we didn't get her card in the mail in time - Natalie had painted some pictures and they weren't dry before the post-office closed before the 3-day memorial day weekend. So grandma's card is sitting at the nursing/rehab desk waiting for her return, a return that might not happen.

Bad blogger

2010-03-12T10:14:00.003-05:00

It's been ages since I've posted here. I'm wondering if I should starting posting more again. It is cathartic, afterall, to get my thoughts and feelings out of my system and not dwell on things. Then again, when do I have time? It's been ages since I've just sat at the computer and did nothing. I'm either working my ass off at the paid job or working my ass off at my photography, refining my online presence/portfolios, working on pics from my latest job (which I've had a few of and more in the works this spring!). My five year plan means officially calling myself a photographer and ditching the salaried job that gives me headaches. My two year plan is to be making enough extra from my photography that we no longer need to rent out our basement apartment and can therefore turn that space into a family room and office/guest room. That also requires enough money in savings to buy a few more pieces of furniture to help with the spread-out. Maybe by then we'd even have another munchkin in the house so my office could turn into a nursery. Wishful thinking...the infertility is sucking a lot lately. I'm so over due for a period that even with taking provera I haven't managed to induce one yet. It's been 8 days or ramped up hormones and PMS waiting...waiting...and still nothing. I bet if I put on a pair of white pants and went out in public I'd get it in an instant. Perhaps that's not that crazy of an idea...I'm that desperate for something to start happening down there.

Always fun times

2010-01-07T22:33:00.003-05:00

I love my endocrinologist, I really do. BUT, my right thyroid gland felt bulky again at my annual check up. Damn. This means I get to schedule a sonogram again. Happened two years ago, so I don't know if it's the same nodule or a new one or what. Could be cancer (she says casually). There's only 6 known cases in my family including my mother and her mother who had thyroid cancer...my grandmother - the one whose health issues I seem to be mimicking so far - got it when she was in her early thirties. Turning 32 in a couple of weeks! Yay! Whatever. I'm not as freaked out as I was last time - maybe because that time prompet my endo to send my test/scan results to a thyroid cancer specialist she knows at The Good Medical Center, including getting 9 pages of my mom's thyroid/cancer records released to my endo who sent them along to this specialist as well to make sure that mom's cancer wasn't they type that they now have a genetic marker or some such thing for. Going that extra mile? Yeah, this will be OK. Just kinda sucky in that whole "there's ALWAYS something else." I can't tell you the last time I went to the doctor and walked out with nothing but a handshake and "See you in a year." Oh well.

On Facebook

2010-01-05T14:38:00.002-05:00

A select few of you who know of this blog are also facebook friends. The funny thing is I haven't met most of you, either, being that you were a friend back in the day on those infamous WW boards. Those days when I'd sit in my cubicle bored out of my skull wanting to gnaw my arm off for lact of anything better to do so I'd post there instead. Anyway...

For those few that know (because you got an invite) and those that don't, I started my little photography business. Seems really official now as I not only have an online portfolio, a hard version of my portfolio, business cards, marketing postcards that I distributed this fall, but also a facebook page. I also have a friend who is a former marketing director trying to convince me I need to start tweeting, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Eek.

So, the facebook page. I sent an invite to everyone on my friends list to become a fan of my photography business, and I am SO TICKLED that two people in particular signed on in a matter of minutes after my email went out. Now my husband still isn't a fan, but that's probably in part because (a) he rarely facebooks and (b) he's jealous that I'm starting the business he wanted to start 3 years ago when he spent money we didn't have on a $900 digital camera so he could start his business. I encouraged him to work on a portfolio, scan in old negatives/slides, go out shooting, but he never did. Oh well. His loss.

Now these two people are both guys, and pretty much two of the only people I've reconnected with on facebook that made me bite my nails after I sent them a friend request, waiting to see if they would accept. Because they meant a LOT to me during some formidable years (college) and I have self-esteem issues and I worried that I didn't mean as much to them as they did to me. Well, they did friend me, and we've conversed a few times, and it's AWESOME. It's like closure that these relationships (one just friends, one dating) happened to the degree that I imagined and I haven't been forgotten. And then these two guys are two of the first to become fans of my business page? It's just made me so thrilled to know they care. Sucks that neither are in the area (Boston and NYC) or I'd be shooting one's wife and kid (with one on the way) and the other with his band. Oh well. They can always take a road trip! I do live mere miles from some of the biggest tourist attractions in the country.

Drama

2009-12-14T23:06:00.004-05:00

I wish there wasn't so much drama in my life, but there is, and I don't always know how to deal or what the right reaction is. Seems like I get worked up about the little things but try to gloss over the big things. Like the fact that there's a golf ball sized cyst on my right ovary. We went in there at my annual exam to check on my fibroid (which hasn't grown in a year so we're going to ignore it for now) and BAM! Had to find something else. There's a variety of reasons for having a cyst in there, and my doctor isn't too worried (it wasn't super dense, just fluid filled, so no biopsy for now). But given my propensity not to ovulate and the fact that this one is larger than your average about-to-have-a-period cysts that happen all the time...I'm a little worried. I do feel pain there, but on a scale of 1 to 10 we're talking a 1, if that. It's more like a slight cramp that comes and goes. I've been chalking it up to my wacky reproductive system as a whole. So...I have to keep a journal of when I feel pain on that side (4 out of the past 6 days) and see if I get my period on my own. It's been 42 days. I've been taking progesterone on days 22-27 to induce a period, but skipped this month since I was going in for my check-up. We'll keep an eye on the pain befure, during, and after a period. So, yeah. I'm trying not to think about this one till the new year when we have some data behind us.

In good news, we have more ammo for the PCOS diagnosis - clear as day in black and white: I do not make near enough progesterone during the luteal phase of my "cycle." Not surprising, but nice to have it in writing now. Also, I do not produce enough seratonin. SERATONIN, people! The chemical that effects MOOD? No wonder I've been in such a plateau of depression! Plus a number of other vitamins/minerals/hormones that I'm off on all effect fatigue and anxiety. None are hugely off like the seratonin, but in concert together it adds up to one fucked up little body of mine. So we're playing with vitamins/supplements to boost seratonin production and other neuro-conectors and things should be running more smoothly soon. I hope.

I also hope that since I'm an emotional eater, and my emotions will soon be on the upswing, I'll be able to to get a better grip on that emotional eating. I was up 15lbs from the last time I stepped on the scale a few months ago, which is troubling, and confusing. Confusing because I don't know where that weight is - I've been wearing the same jeans for ages now. It's not like I wear sweats around the house. Wondering if I have a hollow leg or something. Anyway, I'm cautiously optomistic and plan on kicking the eating plan into high gear after the holidays. Sure, sure, the rest of your life starts now and all that shit. I'm trying out some new recipes, have cookies to bake, and a huge family dinner to look forward to on Christmas :)

Long time no blog

2009-12-08T21:41:00.003-05:00

Busy doesn't even begin to describe life these days.

One aspect of the insanity is that I've officially started my own photography business. I am a no-nonsense portrait and event photography that is AFFORDABLE (this is DC and I hope to someday be able to charge DC rates if you get what I mean) as I build my portfolio. I've done two family holiday picture session that went over like gangbusters and am booked for a friend of a friend's wedding in May. Casual outdoor affair with 100 people - just my style. So far I have two happy clients and word is getting around.

Let's rewind a little bit...2 years ago, TWO YEARS AGO, my sweet darling husband bought a $900 digital camera with money we didn't have. His intent was to start doing event photography on the side. Fine, I said. I'll stop being pissed when you make $900 with it. I encouraged him to put together a portfolio. To scan in some of his photos from back in the day and use them. At a friend's wedding a year after that purchase, he asked if it would be OK to take some pictures. He shot maybe 30 pics. A few months later I took "his camera" as he STILL calls it to California with me for my friend's wedding. I shot over 300 pics in two days and love love loved it. I've been shooting more and more ever since.

That's what got me to finally officially "open for business." Too many friends are using photos I took - at the park, at nursery school, at playgroup - as grandparent gifts or in their holiday cards. My close friends have been urging me to take this hobby to the next level. So I made business cards, sent out postcards to everyone on our Christmas card list, put together a portfolio and started marketing myself. If I get no jobs between now and that wedding in May, I'll have at least earned back the money Jim spent on the damn camera.

So I told him tonight, about how I just booked Kate's wedding in May. AND THE FUCKER HAS THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME I SHOULD CONSIDER BRINGING HIM ALONG AS A SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER, THAT 100 PEOPLE IS TOO BIG FOR ME TO SHOOT ALONE. I'm so pissed. So pissed it has driven me to blog for the first time in months. Grr...

2009-08-28T17:11:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I truly ache for another child. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately, the thought of taking a child out of a confusing, hopeless, depressing situation (read: orphanage in an underdeveloped country) and giving that little one love, trust, a family, an education, and the chance to become someone instead of being one of the forgotten and overlooked. I hate that it's so paper-work focused and red-tape oriented to adopt a child, especially internationally. Stories of people waiting years before things come together - through multiple times when finger prints or reports had to be re-done becuase they had expired yet again during all the waiting. I'm frustrated that two dumb as rocks idiots hooking up in the back of a car can make a baby, yet it takes wonderful caring people such anguish to adopt.

As Christians, we're called to take care of the widows and orphans. A family at our church were struck upside the head with that when they went abroad to help at a Romanian orphanage's summer camp for the children. A few months later, Jack was home with them. Born with arms that end of at the elbows, he was abandoned by his mother and had spent the first 4 years of his life in that orphanage, probably to spend many more there if it wasn't for this family. He's the sweetest kid, picking up english so quickly, and with a face that's full of joy and love. I want to be able to give that to a kid who wouldn't get it.

However, I can't even get a husband to say "yes, let's try for #2" - instead I go on the fact that he seems to have forgotten I'm not on the pill. Haven't been for a year now. Conceiving Natalie was a miracle, if it's meant to happen again, it will. I don't see us ever adopting; besides getting Jim to agree to something that intensive (commitment is NOT a forte of his), I don't know where we'd get the thousands of dollars in fees to pay for it. We can't even afford to fix our bathroom with it's slowly failing plumbing, rotting vanity and cracked sink, let alone adopt a baby. I guess I need to keep praying for peace, for God's will to be done. For a baby to come into our lives, or not. For me to be accepting of that and not have those twangs of longing every time I see an infant. If we're only meant to have one kid, we got a pretty damn good one.

What does it take?

2009-08-17T20:21:00.002-04:00

To rid ones self of sugar, carbs, bad eating habits, etc.? I keep thinking in another world my house would be devoid of food, I wouldn't have to run errands around places that sell goodies, I'd be able to do the things that make me happy (painting, sewing) all day and therefore not have thoughts of chocolate running amongst my grey matter 24/7, and there'd be a gourmet vegeterian chef to cook me three meals a day plus snacks of delishious tasty food that is not salad 9 times out 10.

But how is a real person supposed to do it? When I'm stressed and overworked and tired and achy and PMSy and just want some chocolate fucking ice cream? When I'm too tired to actually make something for dinner and would rather just have a bowl of cereal? When I get a flat tire and just want to pull my car into the nearest deli because I deserve a big chicken salad sandwich on an everything bagel for having to deal with all that in the august heat and humidity? What is that person supposed to do?

Fat

2009-08-12T08:49:00.004-04:00

Ugh, I wish I could post the picture from a bbq this past weekend that a friend took. HORRID. I'm a giant fat turd. That being said, I may finally be convinced I need to start wearing a smidge of makeup when going out, you know, to hide the giant bags under my eyes and at least give my face some features to stand out amongst all that FAT. Ew. What's hard is that I don't feel as huge as I look in pictures. Does the camera add 20lbs? Or 50?

The good news is I think this is the catalyst I need to go back to no-sugar. I did awesome this spring for 6-8 weeks, It started out easy and got harder but I stuck to it. Frustrating as everyone says cutting sugar is hard at first but then gets easier. Hm. Anyway, I was feeling all proud of myself and stepped on the scale and BAM, up two pounds. Depressed, I went home and ate my feelings for a week before seeing my doctor and on her scale, I had lost a pound from the week before. What the fuckity fuck is up with that. But, I know in the long run, sugar is my downfall. I also need to get back to OA meetings, although I'm much more aware of my eating compulsions and am better at cutting those out. Still. I hate the struggle, I hate looking in the mirror and thinking "ok, I'm looking not too terrible" and then to see pictures that make me look just the opposite. Which is why I don't let people take pictures of me for a reason. Probably why I like being on the other side of the camera.

Funk

2009-07-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

Summer. Busy. Tired. Fat. Busy. Toddler. Busy. Work.

Yup, that about sums up life right now.

bummer!

2009-06-10T18:48:00.005-04:00

There's a nurse-in on the hill tomorrow and I'm totally bummed that I'm no longer nursing. Part of me is itching to go just to photograph it, but alas, I'll be spending time with a friend who's in town. From the middle east (state dept wife). Fair enough excuse, but I'd totally ditch her and go to the nurse-in if it was June 2006 or 2007 instead of 2009...

"Nurse-In" On Capitol Hill Rep. Carolyn Maloney, Senator Jeff Merkley to host 'Right to Breastfeed' event10am Thursday, June 11, House Triangle

WASHINGTON - Representatives Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) and Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR) will host a news conference Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 10:00 a.m. to reintroduce the "Breastfeeding Promotion Act," which would protect the rights of breastfeeding mothers who return to the workplace after childbirth, and the health and well-being of their children.
The Breastfeeding Promotion Act:

Protects breastfeeding moms from discrimination under the Civil Rights Act of 1964

Provides tax incentives for employers that establish private lactation areas in the workplace Establishes minimum safety standards for breast pumps

Allows breastfeeding equipment to be tax deductible for families

Affords working breastfeeding moms with the time and privacy they need to express milk

Currently, 38 states and Puerto Rico have laws on their books protecting the rights of women to breastfeed. The Breastfeeding Promotion Act would move beyond the patchwork of state laws and establish a national protection for breastfeeding mothers.

WHAT: Press conference to introduce the Breastfeeding Promotion Act

WHO: Sponsors, cosponsors, supporting groups & dozens of nursing mothers Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney (D-NY), House Sponsor of BPA
Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR), Senate Sponsor of BPA
Rep. Lois Capps (D-CA), RN and co-sponsor
Dr. Joan Meek, M.D. Chair, U.S. Breastfeeding Committee
Marion McCartney, Certified Nurse Midwife, American College of Nurse Midwives

WHEN: Thursday, June 11, 2009, 10:00 a.m. - 11:00 a.m.

WHERE: House Triangle, East Front Lawn of U.S. Capitol (toward House side)
Map: http://maloney.house.gov/documents/women/breastfeeding/triangle09.JPG Nearest Metro: Capitol South, Blue/Orange Lines
RAIN ROOM: 2103 Rayburn House Office Building

Bittersweet

2009-06-09T08:45:00.002-04:00

We had a combination birthday/farewell dinner last night for our friend Lisa. She's moving back to Cleveland, where she grew up and has family. She's had a rough time recently - nothing like becoming a widow after 10 months of marriage to really put you in a serious funk. But she's come so far, and as a group of friends, we've come so far, too. There's something about a horrible, tragic, untimely death within a group to pull people together - I was one of the three who organized the food and cooking for 150 people after Joel's memorial service on 2 days notice. Lisa and Joel had just purchased their first home about 45 min away not a month earlier, and a gang of us went out there to paint, hang curtains, etc. to get it put back on the market so Lisa could sell it and move back to DC, closer to her friends, closer to a life she knew. We're the ones who packed up the u-haul and unpacked it in her new apartment. Who pitched in money for pizza to feed everyone who helped on those work days. Something about seeing your friends come together like that makes you realize that these really are the awesomest people, and you know that they would do the exact same thing if it was you who was in a pickle. We really are a family, an "urban tribe" as we joke.

So getting together last night was hard. We're going to miss Lisa terribly, but wish her well. So well. She's got an opportunity to start fresh, where she doesn't have that label hanging over her head, even as faded as it is here after 5 years since Joel's death. Seeing friends last night, a few of whom have gotten married, moved further out in the burbs (or the middle east in the case of our state department friend who was fortunately in town for the first time in 3 years), was so good. Even though we're more spread out and our lives don't interconnect as much these days, these people are still my FRIENDS. There's so much love and understanding among us, it's mind boggling. There's something to be said, too, for the hugs from friends who KNOW, who understand what you are going through, who genuinely care. And putting a dozen such people around the table together to eat tex-mex and raise a margarita glass with you leaves such a warm and fuzzy imprint on one's heart that I'm still glowing from it today.

Three options

2009-06-01T17:22:00.002-04:00

Door #1 - Go back on birth control.
Pros: Regular periods!
Cons: It's only a matter of time before we want to conceive again and I have to go off, not to mention my tolerance for any one prescription that seems to be almost exactly two years for the side effects to overtake the pleasure of hormones that work like a fine swiss watch. Feels like surrendering to fate, waving the white flag and saying "fine."

Door #2 - Clomid!
Pros: We'd probably get another baby real soon!
Cons: I've heard two of the biggest side effects are anxiety and irritability, two things I have too much of to start. And there's the whole convincing the husband to be decisive about the when and how we want to have another child. Feels like a big step. A HUGE step.

Door #3 - Provera! Plus ovulation tests and basel body temperature tracking.
Pros: Ability to control my period by inducing one whenever the fuck I want it. Also don't have to commit to a kid at this moment. Maybe a 2nd conception will just happen spontaneously. Like it did with Natalie.
Cons: Cramps, and that constant unknowning of will or or will I not get my period on my own? Am I even ovulating? Why does the PMS kick in on time by the rest of me doesn't work? Not to mention ovulation testing kits are expensive, and the last time I charted my temp Jim got pissed off hearing the beep of my thermometer every morning. And then he got pissed when I switched to a traditional thermometer and had to crack the curtain open to get enough light to read it.

So. I'm back where I started. But I had a good chat with my doctor (sometimes I think we'd be good friends if we just met randomly at the park with our kids), she made lots and lots of notes in my chart, and we're just going to let things be for a while now. It did feel good hearing from a medical professional that yes, what I'm dealing with sucks. Validation isn't so terrible in the end.

Good end

2009-05-29T22:20:00.004-04:00

My faith is pretty strong, I believe God does things for a reason, that this grand universe isn't just some coincidental arrangement of matter. However, there are times, when I feel like there is a such a thing as karma, and it is on my side. Take tonight, for instance. I had a hell of a day - my babysitter crapped out on me for the 2nd or third time - no show, no call. I had piles of work to do and an over tired toddler on my hands who wouldn't rest, let a long take a nap. I ended up getting nothing done except spend a relatively calm hour playing dominos with Natalie. By the time Jim came home, I need to get OUT or I was going to have to pop another lorazapam which I already did once this week and like to try and avoid if at all possible. I had some proofs that needed to get fedexed, so I threw them in the car, hit the fedex office by way of target so I could get some packing tape b/c I always seem to lose the one roll we have in the house. Made it there just as the truck was getting loaded up for the night. Sweet! Figured I'd call Jim, see if they went for a walk or something, considered stopping somewhere to wander before going right home. Jim didn't answer which meant to me that I shouldn't go home yet.

As I was waiting at a light, poking around inside his car which I normally don't drive, I found a $25 Barnes and Noble gift card. It had a "I voted" sticker on it, so I know it was at least from November. And look! There's a Barnes a Nobles two blocks off the road I'm taking home! I pop in, check to see how much is left on the card and guess what? It's still worth $25!! 20minutes of trolling the shelves and I had two paperbacks to purchase. Perfect pool reading (as I have this thing about not taking library books places like the pool or beach where they could get ruined) for the summer!

And it gets better! I get home, find Natalie in her pajamas with a book picked out to read, and also find out that she peed all over the couch (never happened before) and JIM HAD TO CLEAN IT UP. How many times in the past 3 years have I changed bedding that has been peed on? Too many to count. How many times has he done that? ZERO. I felt so...justified. It was the final little push of hope that the universe hasn't forgotten me that I needed. A little breather out by myself, to come home and find a mess that I DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH. Ahhhh....almost as good as a big glass of wine to relax one's soul.

Day Who the Fuck Cares

2009-05-27T18:47:00.002-04:00

I've got a call into my doctor.

I've gone down hill ever since the PMS hit 2+ weeks ago. It sucks. I felt so *good* for a while there, starting in early april, getting my period in 29days, being tired and exhausted but actually being able to say I feel *good* was fantastic. My diet was easy for the first time in forever, I don't know why, it just was. I stuck to my food plan with minimal if any strayings, and it was OK. Things were not calling my name from the fridge for the first time in forever. Then pms hit. Fine. I took it as a sign that my period was just around the corner. Nothing. Nothing for a week and a half. then 5 days of progesterone, 5mg in the morning and 5mg again at night. Hopped up on hormones is real fun, especially when you throw in a marriage counseling session on day five. I was cranky, irritable, just wanted my period to come because I knew I'd feel better. Well, it came. Of course when I was visiting my parent's in their little small town on the bay with 350 year round residents. Had to drive to the next town over, the one with the stop sign and a genral store/gas station/post office to buy their one box of tampons. Heaviest period in ages for me. Not since I had that clot in my uterus 10months post partum. Had to have mom rescue me at the beach with additional supplies before I left a red ass print on my beach chair.

Aside from the bloating being a bit better, I still have my period, and I feel even shittier than I did a week ago, and that's with a long weekend away inbetween where I had no responsibities except breathing, napping, and catching up on some reading. So a call into my gynos office. We'll see what she has to say. We'll see if I can make it through the appointment without bursting into tears.

Big Girl

2009-05-20T08:04:00.004-04:00

I realize I've gotten out of the habit of posting about Natalie, instead choosing to focus all about ME! ME ME ME!!! OK, she's three, the monthly milestones aren't as dramatic as they were 2+ years ago. Plus, PCOS, eating sugar free, and all that crap have kind of invaded my thoughts constantly and in order to clear my head I find I need to write it down here. Which is good. I'm on day 38 of my cycle, I've been PMS-y since about day 26, I just finished my progesterone yesterday so hopefully in a few days I'll finally get my period. Just in time to be at the bay (beach = bathing suit = sucks) memorial day weekend. Great.

Anyway, here's a pic of the little lady, who shows signs of being fiercely independent like her mother. She dressed herself, and yes, that is a cardigan UNDER her shirt. She's also listening to a little "Single Ladies" on my ipod, which she then sang to herself the rest of the morning. Nice.

Blessings

2009-05-18T14:12:00.002-04:00

I think it's easy, especially here in Washington, DC, to get wrapped up in money, and making enough to support a certain level of lifestyle, etc. We've always been on the bottom of the middle class, I have to work or we couldn't afford this house, and would be living, crammed into a small two bedroom apt, and probably barely have survived Jim's most recent layoff this past fall. Not that people don't live that way, and even if that is how we were living, we'd be thankful for the roof over our heads and all that. But we like the luxury of little things, like a yard, a neighborhood to play in, a basement to store our crap in, a shed to keep our bikes in (instead of hanging them from the ceiling in our apartment living room), the ability to paint our walls colors that we find soothing, to put nails in the wall anywhere we please, to turn on our own heat and A/C instead of waiting for the building mgmt to do it. So we work, and I work, and we don't really go on vacations in the grand sense of the word, but overalll, it's labor and sacrifices I'm wiling to make and do to keep our status quo.

But...sometimes our spending starts edging into the middle-middle class, and we had a lot of it this spring. Jim spent way too much on me for our 5th anniversary (still have that spa gift certificate I need to use...), he got a job requiring him to wear suits and ties more often than ever, so off to shopping he went - to Marshall's, and TJ Maxx, and the Macy's and JC Penny sale racks. Got an incredible amount of quality clothes (2 suits - one was Ralph Lauren at Marshalls!, 5-6 dress shirts, 2-3 new ties, and a couple pairs of new trousers) for a few hundred. Then taxes screwed us (my W-4's weren't as well calculated as I thought to compensate for the freelance work I do that is untaxed), and here we are, 3 months into his new job, still feeling like we're living paycheck to paycheck.

Just this morning, I emailed Jim with his friendly monday morning weekly family schedule (because he can't be bothered to look at the big calendar in the kitchen), and mentioned that we should pray for provision for our bills, and self-control to really only spend money on things we need in the moment, as anything else can wait. I'm a firm believer in God providing for His people, especially when we have the faith to trust that he will take care of us. I saw my parents faithfulness growing up, through the lean years, how things always managed to work out. I wrote our monthly tithe check just yesterday at church, knowing full well that that because I wrote that check, I was now going to have to take money out of our savings account to cover the rest of the May bills. But tithing is important, and we should give to God what is his before we give to Ceasar what is Ceasars (there's a reference in the New Testament somewhere as to that passage, but don't ask me what it is).

And what do I find in my work email today, the account with my contractor that I don't check often (vs. the federal one I check constantly)? An email from my supervisor telling me that I've been approved to start charging an additional 5 hours/week to my contract, and am able to bill an additional 5 beyond that if needed without approval for overtime. So yay! This comes to, after taxes, roughly $100 a paycheck more, which is so needed since my paychecks shrunk a few months ago when I re-worked my w-4's so as not to get screwed again when we do our 2009 taxes.

Sure, this option has been on the table for a while, it was bound to get approved one of these days, but the timing couldn't be more obvious, at least to me, that God was saying "Thanks for thinking of me and putting your tithe before your bills. See? I've got your back. It'll all work out."

I'm so strung out with this job, that if they didn't approve the extra hours (it's wierd being salaried and hourly all at the same time...can't ask for a raise, but you can get more hours on your contract...), I was starting to formulate plans in my head as to how I could quit and we could still pay bills. Sure, my etsy shop is finally up and running (http://tinyapple.etsy.com), but there's no way that's going to be a source of income beyond fueling some non-essential purchases (like that 2nd tattoo I've been wanting for a while, or new back yard furniture that isn't the craptastic, starting to fall apart from over use plastic stuff we got at Home Depot when we first moved in). But for now, we're set, we'll cross the next bridge when we get to it. Lord knows we've had enough hurdles to get over before, so long as there's no layoff for Jim in the near future, I think we can handle just about anything.

Day 22

2009-05-16T20:13:00.003-04:00

A new word for the dieters lexicon: Splendenima

One of the pitfalls of going off sugar and carbs combined with a diminishing sense of hope that my hormones were working the right way on their own after 6 months of help from the metformin is overdoing the sugar free chocolate pudding cups. My period is a week "late" (no, not pregnant), and I've been PMS-y for a week and a half now. Headaches, occasional cramps, irritability, and everyone's favorite: Chocolate cravings. I've still been sticking mostly to my food plan, I'd say I'm about 75% on target. I don't snack as much, nor do I crave muchies between meals. I haven't eaten half a bag of hershey's kisses in weeks, nor have I inhaled a baked good at lightening speed in 22 days. But that 19 menstrual cycle last go around seems to have been a fantasy, leading me on like cheap hooker that good things were bound to come and then they didn't. Haven't. I'm on my 3rd day of progesterone to induce a period. Usually I'd wait till at least 6-7 weeks to start the progesterone, but the PMS is so obvious I can't stand the thought of waiting that long. I'm hoping that when it does come, I'll go back to feeling more human again. Just sucks that for a chunk of time every few weeks I'm a wreck, and that that chunk of time could be 2-3 days like it is for many women, I bet, or 2-3 weeks in my case. Sucks sucks sucks.

Guess I'll be calling my friendly neighborhood gyno soon for a visit, especially since I have no more refills left for the progesterone. At the rate I'm going, I'll be taking it for a while longer still.

Day 12

2009-05-08T09:45:00.002-04:00

stupid stupid stupid.

I got on the scale yesterday at the Y. Was feeling good, I've really been making smart choices, not eating bread, sugar, pasta, anything like that. What did I weigh? 2 more pounds than when I weighed myself two weeks ago at the start of all this. Fuck. However, if this month goes like next month, I'll be getting my period this weekend, which would be awesome. So I'm trying to convince myself that these 2lbs are just pre-period bloating/water weight. But it's hard. And if I do get my period this weekend, do I go weigh myself afterwards? Probably shouldn't, but that's going to be hard to. I'm so desparate to see a change, even a little one, that it's going to be hard to restrain myself.

Day 8

2009-05-04T09:54:00.003-04:00

I sucked the cheese off Natalie's macaroni the other day. Then I spit the un-cheesed pasta into the trash. Classy, I tell ya.

Had a piece of pizza last night. Yummy. Now the dang thing is no longer in the freezer staring at me everytime I open the freezer door. And Jim has strict orders to never buy one again, even if it is on a huge sale.

Despite the rain, I have plans to grill up a pack of sirloins I got on sale, some chicken, and some sausage. Then freeze for ready made protein. I'll make a chunky vegetable tomato sauce and put sausage chunks in there. I'll eat as-is, Jim and Natalie can have some pasta with theirs I suppose. Chicken and steak go on salads, but I'm cutting back my spinach intake a smidge, if you know what I mean. Blue cheese dressing was on sale so I'm stocked on that, but am out of goat cheese. Why?! Discovered that a scoop of guacamole on top of veggie chilli is delish. Like putting yougert on top of curried lentils. Mmmm...must get more of those, too.

Big craft fair at friend's school is next weekend... can't believe I have a table and many many things I've made to sell! Kind of exciting and scary all at the same time. I just need to recoup costs, any extra goes to something fun of my choosing, I just don't know what yet. Lots of details HERE. Whee!

Day 4

2009-04-30T14:03:00.003-04:00

Treated myself to a salad from chipolte today for lunch...with STEAK! I cannot get enough red meat it seems. Anyway, it was tasty and satisfying and kept my mind from wandering to the popeye's or arby's which were also on my way home from running errands. The salad was probably a million and a half calories since I said "yes please!" to the sour cream and cheese on top - do I get points for not having any dressing on it? Yeah, didn't think so. Oh well. The only sugar/carbs I've had these days is from cheese, glorious cheese. Going out to dinner with friends tonight and I wouldn't have agreed to it if I didn't know that the choosen restaurant has an awesome goat cheese and tomato salad. Gotta say, my #2's have been something else lately. I really think I've been overdoing the spinach. Oops. Must cut back a little on the leafy greens...
I did step on the scale at the gym yesterday and holy mother of pete, that number was HUGE. Like 2lbs away from the weight I was the day I checked into the hospital to give birth. And I had gained 60lbs with my pregnancy. Nice. Oh well...I figure it can only come down. I'll step on the scale again in either (a) a month or (b) if I notice I have to cinch my belt more to keep my pants up. I'm hoping (b) comes first, because even if there isn't much/any weight loss at that point, at least I'll know I'm heading in the right direction for more wardrobe options!

Day 2

2009-04-28T18:55:00.002-04:00

Forgive me sisters for I have sinned: I had a bite of rice crispie treat at playgroup today. Then I decided to treat myself to a decaf iced coffee so as not to dwell on my error, went home, and ate a pile of chicken salad. Considering there were biscits, donuts, and croissants on top of the rice crispie treats, and the fact that I ate about 4 eggs with spinach and feta with some ham instead and ignored everything else, not too shabby. Still, I shouldn't have had that bite but I'll get over it. It's the only sucrose I've had since sunday. Fructose - minimal, lactose - some.

It's expensive being on a "diet." Not that fresh veggies are all that pricey, it's that I like to top things off with goat cheese and steak. I've been craving red meat lately like nobody's business, I wonder if it's hormonal/menstrual/blood/iron related. Tonight - london broil and spinach salad. Yum. Who needs rice crispie treats when you can have a side of cow for dinner?!

Today

2009-04-27T08:03:00.003-04:00

Today is the day I start the "diet." I hate that word. So many times I've struggled, gone back and forth, for better or worse, but today I'm going hard core. Meals aren't the big issue for me, it's the treats, the snacking, the emotional eating, eating out of frustration, feeling down and like only chocolate will bring me back up, or french fries, or dorittos.

I'm trying not to think about the things I shouldn't eat, but focus instead on my weekly OA meeting next saturday, and how awesome it would be to say I've been abstinant from sugar for the whole week. Or even just a few days leading up to the meeting. That encourages me. Knowing there's that accountability from a room full of people who *know* how hard it is, even before you throw in the PCOS and hormones and shit. I've got plenty of handwork to keep me busy during those tricky evening hours (nothing makes me happier than being parked in front of the TV with sewing - I can't just watch TV - ok, maybe I could sit and watch the Office b/c I'd be laughing my ass off the whole time - I have to have something to do or I get antsy and go eat or come on the computer and google old boyfriends or something equally appauling) where snacking is so easy to do without thinking.

With the new found upswing in hormones (I'm on day 16 of my cycle and dare I say - I think I OVULATED this weekend!!), I'm finding a new sort of optimism. I dug out some old pics from college, trying to find the ones of this guy...that's a whole 'nother story...and I saw how happy and SKINNY I was. And you know what? It didn't piss me off - it made me thing "sure, I could be that thin again!" Ok, realistically? Could I ever look like my 22 year old pre-baby self again? Maybe not. But throw 20lbs on that girl and I'd be THRILLED. I look forward to the end of the summer and going back to nursery school and maybe being 20lbs less and having people notice. How cool would that be? To go shopping in my own closet for clothes I haven't worn in an ice age. These things are making me excited, so strange, since they've always made me depressed.

So we're going to run with it. I did some groccery shopping last week, will make a quick run this morning for a few more things, and there you have it. I've got ideas lined up for salads with grilled chicken, grilled steak, grilled vegetables, treating myself to a log of goat cheese to put on salads (my favorite!), homemade guacamole for dipping veggies in for snacking, peanuts to snack on too, and maybe I'll even make myself some sugar free chocolate peanut brittle for a treat. But later in the week when I can use the stove again b/c we're currently in an April heatwave and it's to damn HOT out to heat up the kitchen. But this is good. I'm confident for the first time in forever that I can actually do this.

Even crazier still...

2009-04-19T23:40:00.002-04:00

As if getting my period in 29 days wasn't the nuttiest thing to happen to me in a while, the fact that my period WENT AWAY in 5 days ALL BY ITSELF is equally shocking. I'm completely gobsmacked by this new event in my life, and what's totally wacky, is the fact that I have felt GOOD this week. I can't tell you the last time I could say that. Sure, there were moments when I wanted to hang my toddler out the window by her toenails (or her father for that matter), but over all, I felt GOOD.

For someone who's been dealing with depression now for 3ish years, having a week like this is a little un-nerving. Like somethings wrong and everything is going to go back to the normal you've been struggling to accept for some time. But I hope not. I feel optimistic, something I only barely want to admit because it feels so wrong. It's truly unbelieveable. I had to refrain from updating my facebook profile but decided those classmates I haven't spoken to since high school graduation didn't need to know the gory details. I did share the good news with my girl friends at brunch on saturday, so to the tables that were sitting around us, I'm sorry you had to hear about a strange woman's menstrual cycles. But then again, you also had to hear about poop and vomit, so it all depends on what you feel is worse brunch conversation. Throw in the breastfeeding that was going on and the hysterical laughter we were engaging in and I'm sure we pissed off at least one person in the restaurant. Who fucking cares. It was awesome, and I feel good. The rest of the world can just deal.

Bizzarro

2009-04-14T23:14:00.003-04:00

So the craziest thing happened the other day: I got my period on day 29 of my cycle. And it would not be an exaguration to say that I think this is the FIRST TIME EVER I've gotten my period in a "normal" amount of time. The closest I've come to this before is a period that came every 5-7ish weeks, starting and stopping a few days later on its own, and repeating for a little over a year. That was close to 9 years ago. I have my fingers crossed that my period will now stop on its own, but for now, I'm simply in shock as to have gotten my period at all without help. Well, not entirely without help. I've been on metformin for almost 6 months now. I remember reading somewhere that it could take up to 6 months to be fully effective in your system. Well, I guess that is the truth in my situation. I almost can't believe it's true!! For once, something is working. PCOS be damned, I will get my body back where I want it.

In other news, I have a new blog, devoted to sewing and all things crafty. That one will be written so that my mom and husband could read it, unlike this one. Heh heh heh :)
Come visit!

Vindication

2009-04-06T10:07:00.002-04:00

Nothing like getting a gift certificate for three sessions with a personal trainer for a valentine's day gift. Sure, some would enjoy this. I saw it as a dig. I work out as often as I can (which sadly isn't as often as I'd like, but it's still in the 4+ days a week range which isn't too shabby and I've learned not to beat myself up for the days when I don't make it out to do anything). I'm an ex-swimmer and ex-rower who has been athletic and active my whole life. I just also have this horrid combination of shit in my life making it miserably hard to lose weight - PCOS, thyorid, depression, a needy toddler, and a schmuck of a husband who thinks personal training sessions are a good idea to give someone who is in my current state. Regardless, my PT also has PCOS, and while she's the wellness director at the Y and doesn't usually do PT, she took me on because she understands where I am. So much to Jim's chagrin, we're not coming up with some grand weightloss plan, or doing massive amounts of cardio on top of weights. No, she decided to come up with a bunch of different circuts of 3-4 exercizes each that I can then walk away with after our three sessions and do on my own (it'll be like 3 circuts for legs, 3 for upperbody, and 3 for ans/core), mix'n'match, do at home even since they are more resistance based and not on machines. Something to shake it up a little and switch up my routine.

As we've been working together twice now, she asked on friday if I'd ever consider teaching classes, since my form is so good and I obviously know what I'm doing. A compliment if I ever heard one from someone who is in the wellness profession to someone who is a giant blob right now. Apparently there is more muscle underneath the fat than I thought since I'm doing pretty well with these work outs and she's pushing me more than she expected she would.

So take that, Jim. You think I need a personal trainer and the personal trainer thinks I should consider doing training myself. Ha! I wish he could come to my last session next week with me...he wouldn't be able to walk afterwards...especially if we do those lunge walks with the medicine ball again...my ass is still feeling it three days later...but in a good way!

New Week

2009-03-30T10:46:00.002-04:00

Starting off the week without a toddler isn't too bad. I post this while taking a break from work...If I stare at the damn spreadsheet any longer my eyes are going to cross. Natalie is playing at a friend's house from school. I'm paying her mother with a big bottle of gin for the favor. She's probably goint to take Natalie for me for a few monday's untill I get something more permanat figured out. A friend and I may do a nanny share on fridays. Having been a nanny in a past life, I find that wierd, but then again, I don't think my 22 year old self could have imagined life like it is now - swamped with work, dealing with a schmuck of a husband, depression, and a three year old thrown in for fun. Having a nanny once a week for 6-8 hours will be HEAVEN. Besides getting a leg up on work, I might actually start cleaning my house with regularity. Imagine! What luxury! There's something about knowing there is a block of time ahead where you will not be the one responsible for your child that is so freeing...I think of all the closests I can clean out, the junk I can put on ebay or craigslist or freecycle to get rid of...And the tax write off! In doing taxes this year, I had no idea you could write off child care if it was performed for you while doing work!!

So much on my mind, but right now, I need to get back to work so I can swing by the groccery before picking Natalie up. Imagine, groccery shopping alone for a change - I bet I can be in and out of there in 10 minutes! Whee!

Back

2009-03-27T08:27:00.003-04:00

Vacation is done with. It was fun while it lasted, but by the end, I was so ready to come home. The drive wasn't too bad, we did it in a little over six hours with stops, which is about my limit I think. Fortunately there was scenery much of the way and evenly spaced urban areas to break up the trip, and Natalie was a total peach in the car. A few new car toys definitely helped.

I'm totally fried this week. I don't know what's up. Actually, I do. It's a combination of things: Spending all day with a three year old, not getting to hang with my friends at playgroup, a three year old with mood swings and attitude, my friend's two-month old being hospitalized, the looming cloud of depression and the rising storm that will be marriage counseling next week, mountains of laundry, a house that seems to get messier the more I try and pick it up, and a job that I hate that is kicking my ass with nit-picky requests and complaints and things that I can't actually do anything about except go to my POC's once again and pass along the requests.*

Functioning at a minimum level...I was hoping to use my afternoon with the babysitter here (her one day this week) to clean my desk and the office and sort through some piles. A cup of coffee, some good music, no interruptions, and the satisfaction of running things through the shredder or filling up a trash bag would leave me in a better frame of mind. Except that I actually have work that came up that I need to do. Freelance work, not my "job" work, but still. Argh. I came to the conclusion last night that as nice as it is to have the security of a part time job and the salary that goes with it, We need to figure out a way for me to not have that job at all. Either push my photography or etsy ambitions** (still haven't opened that etsy shop I've been talking about for a year now - but am doing a table at my friend's Waldorf school spring craft fair), plus up the freelancing, and just can the salary job all together.

Anyway, something has to be done. I just can't go one like this.

* I hear that if I worked at an ad agency, my job title would be "traffic manager" or something to that effect. I'm the conduit between our HQ and 9 regional offices and the gov print shop. I have a POC there who then passes out the work orders I send their way to the appropriate people, along with a budget manager who handles our account and warehouse people. So it's me and my POC who talk constantly (and why I can do my job from home, since he's in OKC and I'm in DC). Except he just left on a 6 month detail last week. Happy for him as a friend, bummed as I feel like I was left high and dry. And the two people who were going to be helping me in his absense? Both left to go on training this week.

** we rent our basement walk-out apartment - current tennant is a sweetheart, she's in med school with the Air Force. They do rotations by sending you for 6-8 weeks at a time to different military hospitals around the country. So we're like an expensive storage unit for her, with someone to watch her stuff, drive her car once a week so it doesn't die, and pick up her mail. Plus we know that our rent is like half her housing allowance, so it works out well for everyone. While she's gone, her living room is turning into my SEWING ROOM. I can't wait. She leaves this weekend for almost 6 MONTHS. Three rotations, she said she'll be back for a week in June, and maybe a few weeks in August, but mostly gone till the Fall. Granted she'll be spending part of her summer in Hawaii, so there are perks to her situation, but still, can't imagine being gone from home for 6 months and living out of a suitcase.

Break

2009-03-12T08:14:00.002-04:00

Am tired, overwhelmed, and going on vacation next week. If you can call it a vacation since there will be 8 adults and 5 kids sharing a house at the beach in North Carolina. All members of Jim's family. Many of whom are great, some of whom drive me up a wall. Still, it's a change of scenery, a chance to let other people care for Natalie (like cousins), I have a book or six, my anti-anxiety meds, and we are 600ft from the beach. Guess where I will be spending much of my time? They may have to drag me from the beach each night kicking and screaming. Although there might be enough bedrooms that I could have my own. At worst, they all have king sized beds, so Jim can be a mile away.

Still haven't figured out a way to tell Jim we ARE going to marriage counseling. Never seems to be the right time, and now we're headed into vacation week with HIS family. Great. Hard to put on a happy face when you are married to someone emotionally and verbally abusive. There. Said it. It sucks.

I'll be back.

Proof of nerdiness

2009-02-23T15:06:00.002-05:00

I just bought a ruffler! Regularly $69, on sale for $19. NINETEEN DOLLARS! I'm so psyched. If you don't know what a ruffler is, it's this crazy looking contraption that goes on your sewing machine in place of a presser foot that does even gathers or pleats or whatever...you can set the amount of bunching/pleating, it's so exciting I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I have a feeling everything this spring is going to have RUFFLES!

Peace

2009-02-18T14:51:00.003-05:00

My body and soul feel so much more peaceful right now. Content isn't the right word, I'm still itching for change...furniture, hair color, kitchen, scenery...but that itch isn't all consuming. It's just a small mosquito bite compared to the all over rash I had when Jim was out of work. There's a lot to do, there's a lot I'd like to change, but it will come when it comes. In the meantime, it's me, Natalie, and that's it. We don't have to wait for daddy to do anything during the day. For example, if I need to go to the groccery, I just go. None of this asking if he needs/wants anything, finding out he'd like to go with, then waiting half an hour for what he said was "just a sec." No more, we just go. That half hour would be torture, if I knew it would be half an hour, Natalie and I could sit down with a stack of books and be ready when he is in no time. Instead we end up hovering, she starts to make messes, I try and discourage b/c I think we're seconds away from walking out the door, I hated it. I started hating Jim for it too. Now I fully feel like my time is my own, and the only one who is going to hinder my time table during the day is 3 years old and doesn't really understand. In contrast to her father who is 44 years old and should at least have a clue, which he doesn't.

I also don't have Jim breathing over my shoulder all day...I don't function well like that. In the office, I was content to be left alone with my work and not talk to a human if at all possible. Makes sense that I work really well from home. I like the solitude. Again, we're back to hovering. Hovering over my shoulder while I work, asking when I'll be done. Hovering around while I'm trying to get things done, wondering when I'm going to do X, Y, or Z. Wanting to know when I'm going to fit a trip A, B, or C into my day and not being content with "I don't know yet." My time is my own, and I'm not accountable to anyone. The kitchen will be clean, the laundry folded, and dinner ready when you come home from work, Jim.

He doesn't do well with process, so having him around during the day when all those things were in process drove him, and consequently me, nuts. He can't handle a messy kitchen, yet won't lift a finger to clean anything that wasn't a mess he made...carps about putting things in the dishwasher yet feels cereal bowls need to sit and soak. So what if getting Natalie transitioned from lunch to an activity in a smooth maner is more important to me than putting our lunch dishes away. He doesn't understand that and no longer do I have to answer to his complaints. I don't care if piles of dirty laundry are left on the bedroom floor all day as I one at a time take them to the washer. So what. Not to mention we sort laundry differently. He's way more picky than me. But when he comes home to a whole mixed up basket of his laundry where he doesn't know what was washed with what? He's fine.

Yikes. Jim really is high maintenance. Or maybe I actually agree with my mother-in-law some and Jim needs a little anti-anxiety meds. Or maybe he just needs some time to settle in to the new job, get a few paychecks under his belt, and be able to shift his own priorities from controlling me to doing his job. We'll see. I've got the marriage counselor on speed dial if crossing my fingers doesn't work.

GOOD NEWS!

2009-02-11T20:18:00.002-05:00

WE ARE NO LONGER THE HOUSE OF THE UNEMPLOYED!!!

Jim starts on tuesday after the presidents day holiday, my house will be my own again, natalie and I can get back into an uninteruppted routine, we can start putting our lives back together, and the weight that I've been carrying around for four and a half months is lifted.

Whew.

Better soon

2009-02-11T10:48:00.002-05:00

Today - Mother in law flies home to Texas.
Tomorrow - appt with therapist.
Yesterday - almost lost it
Recently - have wanted to bonk sister-in-law upside the head for trying to put sugar on asparagus and other various sins.

Today - high of 69! In February! Before Jim takes mother-in-law to the airport, we're going to hit the local deli for sandwiches and iced tea and having a picnic at the park. What they don't know is that I'm also going to call a few mommy friends and tell them what we're doing and at what time and dontcha know, what a coincidence if they just *happen* to be there too. Yay!

Crazy

2009-02-05T11:17:00.002-05:00

Mother-in-law visiting. Losing mind. Woman has a heart of gold but man, she's a piece of work. If I have to hear her complain about a migraine one more time, I may shoot myself. Not that I don't have sympathy for migraine sufferers, but when you have a list of triggers in your wallet that your doctor gave you, that you talk about all the time, but blatently IGNORE, then my sympathy dwindles every time. Like complaining about a migraine you think was caused by the "triptophan in the pizza" you ate at the mall, after refusing my requests to fix you a sandwich, heat up some soup, microwave some leftover veggie chilli, yougert, granola bar, fruit, make you a salad, etc. Hmm. Whatever. Not my problem to fix, it's just hard to ignore when it's someone in your house All Day Long, complaining.

Deep breaths, I will survive.

Full

2009-01-29T19:38:00.004-05:00

My head is swimming these days. between toddler wrangling and unemployed husband wrangling, I'm losing sight of which way is up. I feel soley responsible for keeping this family together and the stress of that is really beating me down. Not to mention I'm the breadwinner right now, a role I never wanted to have. Damn me and my sensibleness in keeping a steady paycheck coming from the same source for over seven years now. It's served us well twice now when we've needed me to take command. Still, finances are thin. We've used up the severence and I had to dip into savings. Sure, we could spend less. That's hard. Harder for Jim than me. Hard for me when I find myself shopping in an effort to keep from eating. If we could both just put the kibbosh on anything that isn't (a) food (b) gas or (c) job interview related, we'd be much closer to fine. I feel so stuck in a rut right now, my therapist help me understand things right now - I've been having intense nesting urges. I'm not pregnant, but I've spent way too much time with the Ikea catalogue and tape measure, working out how to fit this here, and move that there, and replace the cheap crappy shelves with the more sturdy and solid ones, and if we had this cabinet then that stuff could get out of the hall closet and the hall closet could actually be used as a closet. Why I've been planning all these things out in my head, I don't know. Therapist pointed out that I'm probably craving change that bad. I want my husband to get a job and not be home all do, but since I can't give him the job, maybe I can change my surroundings. It's so bad, me and my 790+ credit score were considering opening an Ikea credit card so I could make all these purchases. Now that's bad.

Doesn't help that our 5 year anniversary is coming up. Blah. I don't really care. I don't feel like I have a husband right now, I have a roommate. Someone I argue with about chores and am stuck being around all the time. I realized today too that I want him to go to work so I can look forward to seeing him at the end of the day, instead of wanting to get rid of him at the end of the day. "Familiarity breads contempt" is the moral of this post. I need some absense to make my heart grow fonder.

More pics

2009-01-23T00:02:00.008-05:00

Finally

2009-01-22T23:49:00.008-05:00

We had a solid week+ of wicked cold weather here, making it kind of hard to spray paint. But today, the sun was out, it hit 40, and tomorrow is supposed to be even nicer, so I can finish up. Suffice it to say, the dollhouse is done, save the doors, which have been primed, but need their top coat, then the whole thing gets another go of clear coat and we're golden. The doors will be green like the roof. Not to shabby, and much cheerier than the circa 1990s version we started with. All for about $40 in supplies. And $40 in additional dollhouse furniture (no bathroom! we had to fix that), but $30 of that is going to be birthday presents from her cousins. So $50 total. And a lot of nights staying up late painting and inhaling fumes, but I wouldn't trade it. It was fun and to see the joy on Natalie's face when she gets this (either for pooping on the potty or her birthday, which ever comes first) is going to be fantastic. I'm also fantasizing about the hours of quiet there will be in our house while she plays with it.

Birthday

2009-01-20T23:59:00.003-05:00

Today I turned 31. Two million people were out on the mall downtown, celebrating me. Not really. A lot of people were in my living room watching the inauguration from the warmth of the indoor heating and plumbing (3,500 port-o-potties!). Toddlers ran amok in the back, adults were mesmerized, babies transfixed. Ice cream cake was eaten (my only yearly request), naps were taken, and I got to go get a haircut and do some shopping (Anne Taylor Loft = HUGE SALES. Velvet trousers = $3.66 I'M NOT KIDDING!). Hair looked faboo and off to a lovely, leisurely dinner with Jim and no toddler. All in all, a good day, and obviously not just for me.

Update

2009-01-11T20:25:00.002-05:00

So...I did end up scraping everything off the roof. Scraping isn't the right word, since it peeled right off, which I must say was rather theraputic. Fortunately, friday was sunny, and knowing saturday was going to be wet again, I was able to tape off, prime, and put a first coat of paint on the roof. I got a second coat on there today and I must say, what was I thinking. I should have just spray painted from the start. I've used the plastic spray paint before, and it rocks. I did get a flat clear coat to go over the whole thing when I'm done, so I'm hoping it will have a less plasticy look. Should take a picture. Will work on it more tonight. Should be doing real work that people are paying me for, but alas, this is more fun.

Up to trouble

2009-01-09T00:10:00.001-05:00

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then I qualify. So do toddlers, so maybe that definition isn't the best.

Natalie got a hand-me-down doll house a while ago. It's a Fisher-Price "Loving Family" dollhouse circa 1993. I kind of hate it but it was FREE. She hasn't seen it yet, as it is going to be her surprise when she gets to the end of her potty chart (one sticker each time she uses the toilet. It's not working but we're so far into it I don't think we can change the rules. But that's another blog post). It is all pale pink, pale teal, and light blue. Hideous. Got lots of people and furniture with it. I decided to buy some paint pens and color them in. That was all well and good and made everything look substantially less ugly. Then I looked at the house. Can't put bright and cheery accessories in this sad dated old house, so I decided to paint it too. Problem: Cursed Plastic. I was able to pop out all the window frames. Great. Those can be spray painted, or at least spray primed. The roof however, in all it's light teal vomit inducing splendor was another story. I contemplated taping it off and spray painting it, but there are so many little nooks and crevices that it would be tricky. So I bought some craft paint. It didn't say it didn't paint on plastic, so I gave it a go. Scrapes off. Have coated it once with clear acrylic. That scrapes off too, but you have to work a little harder. I primed the windows and have painted them with one coat of craft paint. So far so good, but we'll see when they are all dry. I then realized that I only primed the outside of the windows, forgetting that you'll see the inside of them when the dollhouse is open. Oops. Am debating what to do. Damn it if it isn't January with more wet weather in our forecast. Makes spray painting tricky. I'm thinking of scraping everything off the roof (which is a lovely forest/olive green) and going with plan A (Taping off all cracks and crevices and painting the roof). Then spraying over what I painted with the windows with the right shade of paint for inside and out. Or screwing the entire thing all together, scraping off the paint that isn't going to stick, and painting the whole fucking thing inside and out white. Crisp clean white. It'll be like a modernist sculpture or something.

I couldn't have just left it the way it is. Natalie doesn't care. She's going to be thrilled pantsless to see it, especially as we're going to move an old end table into her room so she can play with it on there. Have I mentioned I got scrapbooking paper (That's another kind of crack I'm so glad I haven't gotten into...) to use with modpodge for wall paper and flooring? This dollhouse has turned into a beast. I understand now why the dollhouse I had (and didn't really play with, I think because I was older when my parents gave it to me and I was more into decorating it than pretending with it), which is wooden and my dad put together, is not allowed out of my parents house. After the amount of work and time I'm putting into this thing, I might not be able to bring myself to allow Natalie to play with it.

Happy Belated New Year!

2009-01-02T16:50:00.004-05:00

My resolutions:

1) 12 months, 12 steps - really try to get this OA stuff to stick

2) fit into at least one pair of pre-Natalie pants by next New Years

3) cook more with less meat (should be easy, I only cook carniverously about half the time anyway)

4) finally open my etsy.com shop

5) paint more

6) not lose any more of my sanity than I've already lost

7) come up with more ways to make money on my own doing things I love

8) perfect my Adobe skills

9) learn to see the good in Natalie even when she's making me want to rip my hair out

10) go on vacation with Jim someplace that doesn't involve family

I think these are all pretty realistic. New years was totally uneventful, my parents had come out for the day to do Christmas presents and the like with us. Took them out to lunch (they paid, but we picked the restaurant) at Lebanese Taverna. My parents really do hit the stereotype of suburban fuddy-duddy's stuck in their ways. If it was up to them, we would have been at Ruby Tuesdays (although I must say they have a kick-ass turkey burger). Instead, we instroduced them to shwarma, hummus, tabouleh, falaffal, and other yummies. Dad is ready to go back and try more, mom, I think she just tolerated it.

We do have a date to look forward to, tonight we're going to dinner and a movie. Or a movie then dinner is the more accurate description. There are birthdays coming up and new babies just born that need cuddling and lots of newness and fresh-starts going on. I need to ride that wave and make changes in my life, and just keep praying with all my might that Jim gets a job soon before I crash.

Merry Belated Christmas!

2008-12-26T10:18:00.007-05:00

Our holiday was quiet, which I think is the best time. Others might take issue with that, prefering hoopla and craziness in an effort to get enough holiday spirit in to last till next year. And I think Christmas should be celebrated like Jewish holidays - starting at sundown the day before. At least that's how it feels to me. My mom's entire family is Polish, and in Poland, Christmas Eve is almost the bigger holiday. We grew up having Polish food on Christmas Eve, which is a tradition I want to keep up with Natalie and whomever may come after her. It's also a good excuse to make pierogi, which I only ever eat if they are homemade, because I have yet to find store bought ones that compare to my family's recipe. So we had pierogi and gawumpki (stuffed cabbage) after Christmas Eve service at church, which was great. It was geared for families and was in the upper room instead of the sanctuary, so there was some space to move, comfy chairs instead of pews, they had bells and maracas and tambourines for the kids to play along with the carols, as well as families doing some Christmas readings and making a living nativity. And instead of ending the service with candlight while singing Silent Night like just about every single other Christmas Eve service I've ever been to anywhere, we sand it with glow sticks. GLOW STICKS. IN CHURCH. It was awesome.

After chuch was the Polish food fest, and it was good. Then Natalie got to open one present, her Olivia Helps with Christmas book and the Olivia pajamas I made her. Big hit. In the morning, we took our time getting up, opened presents, took a break to have french toast on home made honey whole wheat bread, opened more presents (I say "we" opened presents, it was really just Natalie), played in our jammies till after lunch time, then crashed. Natalie didn't want to nap, but I did, so she was forced against her will to have rest time in her room. Horrible, aren't I? I guess it wasn't so terrible because all was quiet from her end of the house in less than 20 minutes, and when I went in a little later to check on her, I couldn't get in the door. She had stopped mid-protestation to play with her blocks that are next to the door, and had laid herself down on the floor, with a blanket, and fallen asleep. When I got down on the floor and tried to reach around and move her out of the way so I could at least squeeze in and put her in her bed, she said "No, mamma, I sleeping here," pulled her blanket up and rolled over and was out again.

We ended our Christmas with more food followed by a walk around the block to look at lights. Ran into a neighbor who ducked into his house to get a gift for me (me!)...we had made cookies and banana bread for a bunch of neighbors and Bob is diabetic (must remember that for next year) so he gave them to his main squeeze as he called his girlfriend (he's in his late 60's). She loved them and gave him a pretty scarf to give me. Fun! And other neighbors left a little gift card to the toy store in our mailbox from Natalie. These are the somewhat new-ish neighbors who came from Long Island and are the types of people who give New Yorkers a bad name. They're just kind of cold, but maybe that is them being nice. Obviously they liked our cookies and Natalie is psyched to have her own "credit card" to go shopping with. And tomorrow we go to our other neighbor's house, the ones we love and do lots together with, for a Hannukah party. Can't wait for that one - latkes galore! All in all, it was a nice holiday, leaving me feeling calm, a little warm and fuzzy, and ready to take on the world. But not till next week.

A few thoughts

2008-12-17T23:15:00.002-05:00

#1 - depression sucks, as usual.
#2 - retail therapy is good, except when you step back and look at just how much retail therapy you've been doing
#3 - keeping busy is good, until you start to bite off more than you can chew and wonder when it's all going to get done
#4 - someone seems to think that when there aren't any diapers, she'll wear big girl panties; till then, don't bother her with such triffle, she has 4 pretend mice to take care of under the dining room table.
#5 - christmas + unemployement = suckiness
#6 - waiting for my period, only day 30, so not many worries yet.
#7 - looking forward to my pap smear next week, the one retesting due to atypical cells on my last one.
#8 - i dream of 12 hours home alone in my house
#9 - i've also been dreaming about having sex with old guy friends (not necessarily boyfriends, just guys i've known). not day dreams, but actual vivid night dreams that are i remember so clearly it's kind of freaking me out. hoping it has to do with hormones and a period that's about to arrive.
#10 - opening a bottle of good wine for no reason other than it's a tuesday is very nice.

Losing my mind

2008-12-11T23:43:00.002-05:00

Someone, all 27lbs of her, has been driving me CRAZY. Every. Thing. Is A Battle. And I'm ready to throw in the towel and not argue or cajole or plead or beg anymore, but Jim isn't of the same mind. So I end up being the bad cop, she'll do anything for him, but I'm the one with her All The Time. Sure, he's unemployed and around a lot, but is he the one getting her ready for bed? Fixing her meals? Sitting with her while she attempts for the 14th time in one day to pee on the potty? No. It's me. And I've had it. Thankfully we're headed to grandma and grandpa's for Christgiving. Or Thanksmas. You decide. A whole weekend with two extra adults to thrust her upon, as well as a small hyper dog to help keep her occupied. I've got a good book (Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie) and plan on hiding out in my old room a lot. Don't know what Jim plans on doing during that time, but he's not going to be near me.

Stewing

2008-11-30T14:34:00.002-05:00

I'm angry and bitter and congested all at the same time, which isn't the best of combinations. It's my turn to be sick, and damn it, I want to take a sick day. Instead I'm still the one up early with Natalie, making her breakfast, changing her poopy diaper (use the damn toilet already!), etcetera ad infinitum. What did Jim do? Sleep in, lounge on couch. He doesn't "parent." He doesn't say "OK, news is over, TV is going off - lets get play clothes on and do some puzzles!" He just sits. Natalie runs willy nilly. I can hear from the other room when amok is occuring, yet it's in front of his face and he doesn't catch it. And while I lay in bed, trying to breath through my mouth and just rest while waiting for the tylenol to kick in, a small someone keeps coming in to talk to me, or climb up on the bed to play with me, and on and on. Has Jim become so involved in a chore that he's ignoring her? No! He actually put a movie on. No, he didn't change the channel to a movie, he actually got up, got out a DVD, and PUT A MOVIE ON. Natalie ended up running around half the morning in her all together. Did he bother to look at the clock? Notice that she needed food? Anything? No. He kept saying that he was going to take her out so I could have the house to myself*, but that didn't happen till an hour before her nap time. She's still getting over being sick, she needs her nap time. But even if they walk in the door this second, we'll have screwed up bedtime. It's like I have to physically leave the house without child in order to be truly alone, and when you feel like shit, that isn't something I want to do. I don't know what they'd think at the coffee shop about a sniffling sneezing harried looking frump curled up in one of their big comfy chairs, nursing a large hot tea for 4 hours.

* Last sunday, Jim was on his dealthbed, or so it seemed since he, like most boys, turns into a big baby when sick. Natalie and I left the house at 9 for church, and went out to lunch afterwards since he wanted to sleep a little longer before we came home. We were out of the house for FOUR AND A HALF HOURS!!! I just wanted him to return the favor. He looks at me like this request is akin to cutting off his left testicle.

In the spirit of...

2008-11-28T09:30:00.003-05:00

Today is day 3 of sick Natalie. It's no fun. She's so not herself. At least her fever has somewhat broken - it's only in the 100-101 range instead of the 103-104 range. She doesn't want to eat much of anything (although she did down some turkey, tomatos, and broccoli at dinner yesterday), and she's hardly drinking. I was worried about her dehydration yesterday, but she's had two wet diapers already today and finished off about 6oz of orange juice. Poisoned orange juice, that is. I swear yesterday was like one of those spy movies where the poison is in one of the drinks and it's all suspenseful as characters start taking the wrong cup and you lose track of the poison and wonder who's going to get it. We had almost a whole shelf in the fridge with orange juice, chocolate milk, yogurt, sorbet, cranberry sauce - all laced with amoxicillin. It's like she's got radar for the stuff and would refuse to touch anything we had spiked, which we did behind her back while one person distracted her and the other added a teaspoon of medicine to her beverage or food. Problem was the food she did eat is kind of hard to hide pink bubble gum flavoring to. I think she'd be suspicious of pink turkey. I did wonder if we could inject it into cherry tomatos...she pops those like an addict pops percocet. We've had to force a dosage into her twice - one of us holding her down and one squirting into her cheeks. Vomited it up both times. Not because she didn't swallow it, but because she was in such a state that I couldn't calm her down fast enough before she got into such a tizzy and horked it all up anyway.

But I'm thankful for a pediatritian who was in the office on a holiday that I could call to ask for help. Thankful for access to medicine, and a roof over our heads to keep us comfortable as well rest and heal.

Thanksgiving Schmanksgiving

2008-11-26T14:36:00.000-05:00

So much for fun with the family and mom's home cooking. We'll be staying home, eating leftovers and whatever I can scrounge in the fridge while Natalie mends and Jim and I try not to catch her strep throat. Poor baby. She fell asleep on my lap on the couch for the first time in at least a year and a half. If she wasn't so sick I would have loved it 12 times more. Thankfully we saw the pediatrician this morning so she's on antibiotics. She's perkier, her fever is better, but she was so tired this afternoon. Fingers crossed she takes a nap appropriate for a sick toddler, not her typical hour or hour and a half. Doesn't she realize that sleeping makes everything better? Geez!

2 and 3/4

2008-11-18T15:57:00.005-05:00

What with all the hormones and everything of late, I never got around to posting for Natalie's 2 year and 9 month "birthday." She's cute, and tremendously stubborn, annoying, tempermental, and frustrating all at once. Fortunately (for her and my sanity) the cuteness is at an all time high. Lately she likes to play kangaroo, where she sits on my lap and pulls a blanket across her chest like a mama kangaroo's pocket. And we'll have entire conversations refering to each other as mama kangaroo and baby kangaroo. She also is obsessed with "Olivia Forms a Band" and the section where Olivia goes to put on make-up before going to see the fireworks. Natalie insists on re-enacting this scene everytime we get in the car. She takes the chapstick I keep in the front storage receptical, smears it on her lips and beyond and says "wipe that glop off your face right now, young lady!" Laughs hysterically, and then sometimes she'll ask for a tissue to wipe it off. We also spell a lot these days, and Jim and I were mentioning how T-I-R-E-D someone was. "T-R-D?" she says back? "Do you know what T-I-R-E-D means?" "It means nap time." Classic. Like the time she told me her name was "Natalie Claire Stop-it."

(PS - this is not a leftover summer picture, it was taken last weekend, when we were at the bay, and it was 72 degrees out. Now they are under a winter weather advisory, so I guess it all evens out in the end, but still, sand castle weather in November is awesome.)

71 Days

2008-11-17T18:08:00.001-05:00

It took 71 days to get my period. 100mg of progesterone, a lot of stress, bloating, crankiness, and general PMS-y malaise. But it's here. such a relief.

On to new excitement - turns out I had an abnormal pap smear. Yay! The fun just never ends, does it?

Period Watch 2008

2008-11-16T13:11:00.002-05:00

Nothing. Day 70 today, one week post progesterone, wondering when I should call the doctor to say "um, nothing is happening." Starting to get mildly worried that something bigger is at play than just "we're not sure what's going on" which is usually how things in my body have been interpreted.

Fun of another sort

2008-11-09T18:53:00.003-05:00

It's been 63 days since my last period, I'm on my last day of Provera to induce a period, and still nothing. Usually within the first two days of taking the progesterone I get it, but not this time. I can't even count the nimber of times I've taken the stuff to induce a period yet I don't ever remember it taking this long to come. I'm bloated as all get out (could barely shove my re-sized wedding rings on the last two mornings), cranky, and a hormonal wreck. Wondering what difference a fibroid is going to make to my usually light cycle. Wondering when the glucophage is going to kick in a start helping regulate my periods. Wondering if I have the strength to not eat my body weight in chocolate tonight.

Fun

2008-11-07T13:22:00.003-05:00

70 degrees, sunny, with a slight breeze. So we went to the zoo. Just another reason I love DC, free attractions like PANDAS. And rocks to climb on, and paths to run on with friends. And running into other friends who you didn't plan on meeting. Which meant Natalie's playgroup boyfriend and sunday school boyfriend met for the first time. Perhaps they'll face off in the future about who gets to date her. Funny, they are both about the same size with really blond hair. Perhaps at 2.5 she already had a type? All that fun = a good nap today. At least that's what I want.

Thoughts

2008-11-03T19:30:00.005-05:00

I find myself home alone for the first time in who knows how long. Jim took Natalie to the groccery, which will take at least an hour even though there are only about 6 things on the list and the store is 5 minutes away.

Daylight savings sucks, nothing is worse than darkness at 5pm which still feels like afternoon. Sure, getting up at 6:30 or 7 and having daylight is nice, but I'd rather have my daylight when I'm functional instead of when I'm only good for dragging my feet to the couch and turning on the news, knowing the toddler will be up in moments.

Glucophage is nice. I haven't had any side effects of it yet, other than something that is probably TMI to post here. Ok, maybe not. I'm farting all the time. Gross, yes, especially with a husband who was raised by a puritanical southern mother, and not in a household like mine where bathroom habits routinely come up at family dinners. Anyway, I attribute it to the meds. Haven't stepped on a scale, I only worked up to the full dosage this weekend, so we'll give it another week or two. I did find a pair of pants I didn't know fit...I'm hoping they were in my draw because they had gotten too tight and now they aren't, instead of just my clueless self forgetting I had them. Which is hard to do when you only have 2 pairs of non-jeans that fit.

I'm trying to be abstinant with sugar. Not working. Someone at OA this saturday mentioned that she had been off plan for a few weeks, but that today, this morning, she was abstinant. The whole concept of a fresh start, etc. I like that. However, that line of thinking doesn't seem to be working for me. Maybe it's time to seek out a sponsor. I don't know. I just want the weight off, I want to be healthy, fit into my clothes, not be disgusted with myself to the point that I am. Hmm...I'm purposefully missing the monthly mom's social at church tonight - the topic was body image, my therapist is the one speaking. Yeah, didn't need to be there. These are women I don't know too well and am hoping to foster friendships with, but I have too much baggage in this department to risk crying in front of a crowd. I know, silly. Still, it's my own inhibitions keeping me back. That and/or I worry I'd be too upfront and piss some skinny bitches off. Whatever. I'm not going. Instead I intend to park myself in front of the tv for the SNL election special with my crocheting and some tea.

Unemployeed husband situation sucks. Sure, we haven't killed each other yet, but I feel more than ever like I'm in a rut. Like I can't break out of my current situation till he has a job. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's the near constant fear that he'll be judgemental, or his constant comments about how I do everything, from driving to cooking to pruning bushes. Throw an every tempermental toddler on top of it and I just want to run and hide till he gets a job. I want something special to happen in my life, something exciting, something to look forward to. I need to do that for myself, and I need to learn that I can't let outside circumstances hold me back. Or not. I don't even know anymore. Doesnt' help that when things get tough, I find myself thinking of old boyfriends. John mostly. S a little. And T who was never a boyfriend but with whom I always wondered what if...

Happy Halloween Eve!

2008-10-30T22:19:00.001-04:00

Brownie points if you can guess what she is:

Survival

2008-10-29T14:17:00.003-04:00

I have a pile of blog posts that I've started in the last few weeks, none that I've finished, many that I've half-heartedly abandoned.

Life in unemployement land continues to suck ass. At least the hyper-home repairs have stopped thanks to cold weather and my sister-in-law's birthday. Since we had some exterior work that had to be done before winter and her 40th birthday party was going to be on our back patio, Jim was insane, going to home depot or the local hardware store multiple times a day. At least the house looks awesome and the yard is shaping up in a way that we'll be able to plant more grass seed during those first weeks of spring when the ground begins to thaw. The party went great, she was thrilled to pieces, and the best part was the fire pit we borrowed from friends. Nothing makes a party more awesome than a bonfire in the burbs with smores.

Health wise, I've been on glucophage for almost 2 weeks now and already we're seeing improvements. Was at the GYN today for a follow up to my yearly exam from the 13th; since starting the glucophage, my uterus that was not even close to producing a period is ripening just fine now, hopefully something will happen since it's 52 days since my last one and we know there's nothing growing in there (fetal or otherwise). I'm feeling better in general, I've been able to watch my diet more since I know this med is going to work. My ovaries were nice and polycystic, too. Most exciting, we saw a fibroid on my sonogram which is all kinds of fun, since my mom had a hysterectomy at age 41 because her fibroids made her uterus the size of one at 5 months gestation. Nice. Mine is singular, not teeny, but not big. So we'll see what happens. I figure at least we can see it now and keep an eye on things in there to make sure what happened to mom doesn't happen to me. Or at least catch it before it gets out of control, especially with laproscopic procedures and such that they can do to rid a uterus of these pesky little intruders.

Most fun, my very very good friend and neighbor had her baby last thursday. Little Mollie is scrumptious in that way all wrinkly little newborns are. I have yet to snuggle her, but I may head over there tonight for a cuddle. She's got long eye lashes and big feet and nurses like a champ. Which means the amount of poop this child is putting out is shocking my friend to no end. Always amazing how such adorable little teeny bodies can produce such massive quantitites of excrement. We've all rallied and coordinated meals for their family for the week, which is nice to help out. I know these ladies would do it for me (and hopefully, sometime next year, it will be my turn).

All hope is lost

2008-10-16T18:35:00.002-04:00

It appears that nap time is a thing of the past in our household. Rest in peace, oh sweet hour and a half of free mommy time, you will be missed.

Joys of working from home #41

2008-10-15T21:23:00.001-04:00

Having a glass of wine while working on print requests and work orders and wading through gallons of emails? Much more fun than having your 7th cup of coffee in a cubicle.

End of week 3

2008-10-15T08:09:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow marks three weeks since the layoff, so far, no jobs. No interviews, no nothing. However, the exposed basement part of our house has been painted, the rust has been chemically removed from the shed door and frame, new lights including motion sensor ones have been installed in the rear of the house/tenant's entrance, the interior wall of the basement where the eletricians were working has been sheetrocked (over the painted 70's era paneling), trimmed, and primed, and new windows will be installed in the basement (this is a walk out basement with big windows on two sides) this weekend. When we are scrambling for groccery money in a few months I'm going to point out to Jim how good the house looks, but remind him that we can't eat the leftover paint and dryway cement. He's been to home depot or the local harware store every day for at least the past week and a half. Starting to give me an ulcer.

2 years, 8 months

2008-10-10T11:12:00.001-04:00

Natalie, sweet Natalie. Yesterday you turned 2 years and 8 months old. Crazy, I know. I can't believe how fast you are growing. You are one heck of a stubborn little toddler, as you have been for a while now, but I continue to be amazed at how strong a will someone who only weighs 27lbs can have. School has been the highlight of your life the past month - You would live there if you could and the only downside for you is that you don't get to take the bus there. When we wait outside before school, everyone is kind of hanging out, holding mommie's hand, but you? No, you are running around, trying to climb the fence to get in the playground where the older kids are finishing up their class, screeching with excitement. Then as soon as the co-oper's are let in, you are standing on your tiptoes, trying to see in the window, wondering when Miss Debbie will come back out to tell you it's time for everyone else to come in. And when she does, you beeline for your classroom. It's a good thing you only weigh 27lbs and are one of the smallest in your class, because you'd leave a wake of disctruction and fallen toddlers in your path. No kisses goodbye, not even a backward glance. You are hanging up your back pack and you are ready to Play. It's awesome. I love your excitement and sheer delight at any mention of the word school. We get to go back tomorrow for the fall picnic and I know we'd better dress you in the grungy of grungiest play clothes because after 2 hours of playing, picnicing, playing, and then more playing, we're going to have to chip the dirt off you before even getting in the car.

As usual, my life has been a roller coaster. I felt like we were getting to a good place and BAM! Daddy got laid off. So did 37 of his co-workers. Which leaves all three of us home all day every day together. It's messed up my schedule, but you seem to have adapted quite well. My depression has given me some dark times the past two weeks, but I see my doctor next week and hope to get some additional help - at least we have health insurance through the end of the calendar year. But, it also means trying to make you a sibling has been put on hold indefinately. Not that we even know if we can make another kid, but we were just ready to start trying. I guess God really didn't want child #2 concieved right now. We've been praying that His timing and His will is bigger and better than what we want or think we need. In the meantime, while that next great job is still in the works, we pray for provision and we thank God for the friends and family that have been so supportive. Still, the whole thing sucks.

The weather has been beyond fantastic, and with daddy home, it's been fun going to the park in the middle of the day as a family, or dragging him to music class with us. As soon as he finishes some outdoor projects on the house (that we had to get done before the weather changed too much), we're going to hit the zoo, the pumpkin patch, the natural history museum. You and daddy had a blast going to the Jim Henson exhibit at the Smithsonian. Although I'm not sure what you liked more - seeing muppets or riding the metro. Anyway, we're all hanging in there, thankful for the blessing you are to our lives.

Continued Blech

2008-10-09T09:01:00.005-04:00

Day 32, no period. As my mom says, "Women in our family tend to get pregnant when their husbands are out of work!" To which I think I shocked her when I told her, "Yes, but you have to have SEX to get pregnant." There's been none of that in this house for weeks. My breasts feel like I'm still nursing, they are so tender, and I'm having afternoon nauseau. No migranes or cramps, but still, I'm 97% sure this is PMS related and I know the stress of an unemployed husband isn't helping. Today I woke up with a killer back ache and I've been having insanely crazy dreams. Like going to Africa for work, but flying first class and taking Natalie, and being excited to go to the swimming store there that Michael Phelps shops at, but bummed that I can't go across the street to another country where there's a good restaurant, because that street is actually part of Australia and I didn't bring my passport. If that's not crazy, how about the fact that the geology department from my alma mater was also on the same flight as me. I never took a geo class in my 4 years there. I just hope I get my period soon so this insanity can all go away.

Blech

2008-10-07T16:14:00.000-04:00

Stress + PMS = throwing up in the shower

Octoberfest

2008-10-02T14:20:00.002-04:00

For the first time since who knows when, I voluntarily put on a sweater today. Mmmm. Haven't pulled out the wool socks yet, but it's getting close. Maybe even the flannel jammies will make an appearance with a cup of hot tea while watching the VP debates tonight from under a big afghan. The sun is bright and the wind is blowing, it's crisp and clear out and my allergies are telling me how high the pollen count is but I don't care. It's a good feeling, first in a week, so I'm going to try and hang onto it.

Hanging in there

2008-10-01T14:03:00.001-04:00

We're on day 6 of Job Search '08. So far, no leads. Hahahahaha, like I really expected some. But he has filed for unemployment, made sure all the right signed papers were back at what is now his old job so he can get his severance check and we can have health insurance till the end of the year. He's updated his resume and started looking online for jobs and applying for whatever he can find in his field (HR). Enough friends know and are looking out for him, one even knows of a job opening in her company that hasn't been announced yet so she's getting details for him today.

I'm just trying to hold it together. Monday was hard, I think because I had a previously scheduled appointment with my therapist. Today I'm feeling a little better. Not great, but OK. Helps that my sinus infection is all but gone. Sweet people from OA have called to check on me which is so kind. Even that 2 minute phone call that says "How's your day going? You hanging in there?" means a lot. I've shared a lot with these women in the handful of saturdays I've known them, because they understand where the root of my struggle comes from. I got pissed at a nicorete gum commercial yesterday - "Nicorete gum can help control the cravings" and I'm thinking "Why the fuck can't they make a gum that can help control my cravings for ice cream and french fries?" It's so irrational it's frustrating. Actually, it's not irrational. I take that back. It's more a backward way of thinking - food can make you feel better. That's somewhat rational. Food does fill a hole, it's just that it's a never ending hole in your stomach and not the hole in your soul that you think you are fixing with food. Deep thoughts for a wednesday afternoon.

Jim and a neighbor (a contractor who blames the economy on why people keep backing out on him - "No, I think we'll wait till the new year to redo the kitchen/bathroom/basement love den" - and is desperate for work) are working on the house today with one of this neighbor's guys. they are scraping the exterior wood trim on our brick house in order to prime and paint it before winter. While a lot of our home repairs got put on hold, the trim had to get done since it was barely this side of rotting. Nice to help a neighbor out, he's cutting us a decent deal because Jim is handy and helping. They are also sledgehammering and ripping out the old brick BBQ in our yard. My mom doesn't understand why we aren't saving it, but the BBQ is rusted shut and the bricks are crumbling. It's down to a pile of rubble - they took one load in this guys truck to the dump already - and I'm amazed at how much bigger the yard looks without this 4ftx4ftx4ft cube in the middle. I just wish they had let me have a go with the sledgehammer.

F*CK

2008-09-26T07:52:00.003-04:00

Jim got laid off.

Nothing more to say, mostly because there's way too much stuff in my head. And of course I immediatly started thinking of all the comfort foods I love, so while I don't want to go to OA on saturday because I'll spend it crying my eyes out, I know I need to go because I can't eat my way through the upcoming weeks/months.

Good thing I was already planning on making everybody's christmas presents this year and I had already ordered a metric buttload of fabric (which came in and is AWESOME). And I guess getting that etsy shop up and running would be a good idea, not to mention maybe going through all the clothes I don't wear and ebaying some stuff...

Thank God I see my therapist on monday...

Casualty

2008-09-24T12:45:00.003-04:00

We awoke this morning when we heard a loud THUD on our bedroom window. A sparrow and flown right into the glass and was laying, dead, on the patio roof below. It's still there. Guess I need to get a broom or something and lean out the window the sweep the poor fellow over the side where we can then dispose of him properly, out behind the shed where I put the dead mouse a month ago. I'm sure the neighborhood cats will appreciate the treat. Still, it was kind of a freaky way to wake up.

On another note, I'm in denial that I'm getting sick. I've got that sick taste in my mouth and while my throat isn't sore, those glands are feeling funky back there. I'm sipping lots of hot tea, zinc, and vitamin c and will be napping while Natalie naps this afternoon. Provided she does nap this afternoon. She didn't on Monday and that just doesn't do me a lick of good. Especially since today Jim is going to a baseball game after work which means no daddy distraction in the evening. I'm flying solo all day and if I have a cranky non-napping toddler on my hands till bedtime, I might lose it.

Update

2008-09-23T12:59:00.002-04:00

I think the momentum of my first few weeks of OA is wearing out. A gal at saturday's meeting suggested I add anothing meeting into my week to stretch out the good vibes and not have to wait a whole 7 days for another dose. I think I may do that. I'm still not focusing on my diet, I'm focusing on those cravings and the mindless eating and the reasons behind my urges to eat when it's not meal time. I realized it's not anger or boredom that fuels those binges, it's frustration. Frustration at a toddler who won't listen. Frustration at my self for not being able to figure out how to best manage my time, frustration at my husband for being a dolt. "I'm not angry at him, I just wish he didn't act/say/do things like that." That, my friend, is frustration. And for whatever reason it drives me to want to eat, as if food is a soothing balm for my soul that will absorb the acid eating away at my self.

The opposite of frustration, at least the best that I can tell, is peace and contentment. So that's what I'm trying to do. If it means leaving for an activity substantially earlier than planned so if Natalie starts pulling out the stubborness, we can still get places on time. It's accepting that sometimes there's no chance of convincing her to do something else, and to be OK with it and just move on. She's being herself, this is what toddler's do. I'm the one who needs to find peace with her actions and not turn to food to try and find peace.

So I'm trying to take deep breaths, be more accepting, and channel that furious need for effeciency into my work, which I've been doing a lot of lately. I kind of created a big project for myself and have been chipping away at it. If I can't accomplish my daily routine in a way that satisfies my need to be speedy, efficient, and not wasteful of time or energy, I find that completing another chunk of this project comes with a serious sense of accomplishment. And when this project is done (probably end of this week), it will go off for comments and technical editing and be out of my hands for who the hell knows how long. So I'm going back to sewing. Sewing brings me peace and accomplishment, and maybe I can finally get that etsy shop up and running before the Christmas holiday shopping season is in full swing.

Oy

2008-09-22T09:01:00.002-04:00

My therapist has me reading this book on boundaries. It's really good, because I see myself in a lot of it. It's really bad because I see a lot of Jim in it. For instance, this morning.

Today is "don't drive your car to work" day. There is a bus stop, less than a mile (probably only a half mile) from our house that drops Jim off across the street from his office. He's taken it a whole 3 times in the last 2 years, and those 3 times were all in a week when his car was in the shop. He decided he'd take it today, being HR and all and being the one sending messages to employees about the event (it's DC-metro wide). Did he get his ass up in time to catch the bus? Yes. But did he get in the shower in time, or not sit on the couch watching the news for 10 minutes, etc.? No. So he's running out at 7:30 to walk a half mile to catch a bus that comes at 7:32.

If I was a good boundary setter, which I'm not, the rest of the morning would not have played out as it did.

He came back a minute later, grabbed Natalie and my car keys and said "I need you to drive me to the bus stop and I'm getting Natalie in the car right now" as he ran back out the door. Um, ok. My pajama clad self (tank top, no bra, crocs, orange plaid pants, glasses, and serious bed head) shut the door behind myself as I climbed into the driver's seat. Off to the bus stop. It wasn't till we were stuck at the second traffic light which is a looooong one that Jim came to the realization he wasn't going to make the 7:32 bus. The schedule said there was one at 7:47. Jim made me wait in a parking lot near the stop till the bus came just in case. And just in case turned out to be "but I need to get to work on time and can't wait for the 7:47 bus that's obviously running late." So I had to drive him to work. And thus starts my week with 40 minutes in the car and pissed off at my husband.

Sure, I could have said, "no, we're not waiting" and driven off as soon as we dropped him off at the bus stop. I could have also made a run for the shower as soon as I heard him walk back in the door. I just hate confrontation I'd rather bite my tongue, suck it up and deal so as not to have a pissy husband. Yet my boundary book has made me see where my errors are (inability to say "no" firmly and set limits) and to see where Jim's are (inability to set boundaries on his self so as to be on time and then blaming others for his lateness). Did you know that sometimes because I talk to him too much in the morning that's why he's late? And other times when I don't talk to him at all so as to give him his space to get ready quickly he gets sulky and whines about how he didn't get to talk to me before he had to leave? It's a no win situation on my side. And I used to be a public transit commuter for 5 years before working from home. If I missed a shuttle to the metro or got a late start and had to take a later train, I got into work late and I dealt with it. I also knew enough to plan ahead for potential lateness, knowing that if I got in early, I could scoot out a little early, too. This is a concept beyond Jim's comprehension.

Tomorrow, Jim is taking the bus. And I'm not rescuing him. I'm going to tell him this firmly but nicely tonight. He needs to do it for himself, and to see that the bus is a perfectly good option. I'll pack his lunch and dig up a magazine for him to read at the bus stop and if he misses the 7:32 and the 7:47 is late, then he has to deal. I'm not coming to pick him up.

Eek!

2008-09-19T11:26:00.000-04:00

Don't tell Jim, but I just spent $93 on fabric at reprodepot.com. Yes, I am a fabric addict.

Update

2008-09-15T15:27:00.003-04:00

Saturday was my third OA meeting. The only thing I don't like is that I didn't start going sooner. I am so encouraged each week, not so much by anything specific people say, but just by being in a room full of people (women) who struggle with food the same way I do. That alone has given me confidence; I can see others who have succeeded and yet even they still need the support of OA to keep on the straight and narrow. This is so much bigger than me, and even when I lose weight someday, the issues I have with food will still be there, but I will hopefully have found the strength and the support to deal with them better than I have in the past.

I don't feel like I'm losing any weight yet, but I don't mind. Going each week gives me confidence to keep on and I was actually looking forward to this past saturday's meeting. I find the biggest change so far is that I'm more conscious of my food choices - I find myself really asking myself "am I hungry or just bored? or upset? or frustrated?" before reaching into the fridge. And it's not that I didn't do that before; it's just that now, I don't beat myself up for whatever choice I make. If it's a good choice, that's all it is - "yes, I am hungry, I'm going to have this yougert." But when I find myself eating for reasons other than hunger - these are times where I need to work on identifying the need before I eat instead of after - I don't lay on the guilt about a lack of self-control. I know somehow that this is a learning process, that others have struggled before me, and I'm able to move on, not dwell, and do better the next time I'm tempted.

That's my goal for now, besides learning the 12 steps which I kind of like, I'm going to focus on eating for hunger, stopping when I'm full even if my plate is not empty, and not eating when I'm feeling other emotions. From there I figure I'm slowly meld into making better food choices, and the weather is going to start cooling down substantially where soups and chillis and other vegetable laden yumminess is going to be on our dinner menu weekly. I know what I should be eating, it's just all the other trash in my head interfering with my ability to make those choices, not to mention telling me I need food to feel better.

So of I am on this journey, all 205lbs of me (see picture from labor day weekend). My doctor wants me at 185 by christmas, and for the first time in a while, I feel confident I can meet that goal. March is a family reunion of sorts on Jim's side and there will be swimming in a hotel pool - I'd like to be fitting into my cute bathing suit again. Maybe be 170? From there, my doctor wants me to get down to 150, but I say 145 so I can call it an even 60lbs lost.

Soon...

2008-09-11T23:13:00.001-04:00

...to be posted for purchase on my yet to be created etsy site - christmas ornaments made from recycled holiday cards

A big day

2008-09-09T17:57:00.009-04:00

Dear sweet Natalie, not only did you turn 2 years and 7 months old today, but today was your first day of school. You have been waiting for this for WEEKS, it's all you talk about. We've been fortunate enough to not only find a great little school, but a school full of other parents and teachers who are truly excited about learning, not to mention are just all around nice people, too. We've been having playgroups at the park all summer with these folks, so you already know most of the kids in your class. Last week some of us even went to the zoo and you had a blast with them - your teacher even came, too. All this before class officially started. And today? You were your usual toddler self, all stubborn and mood swing-y, and prone to flip flopping on the major issues like car seats and lunch. But as soon as I mentioned it was time for school, you ran like Usain Bolt for the car and immediately got in your car seat, strapped yourself in, and announced "I GO TO SCHOOOOOOOOOOL!!!" And when I picked you up two hours later, you were totally zonked, and all I got out of you was that you colored with markers and sang new songs. And then you slept for 2.5 hours. Needless to say, it was a good day for mommy, too.

Your vocabulary as usual is growing exponentially. Your favorite comments are that something is "kinda funny," "kinda silly," or "kinda tricky," when it's a puzzle or drawing you want to get me to do for you. You're also laying on the pressure to mommy and daddy that you want a baby sister. We don't know where this is coming from, but it's kind of funny. You want to read, constantly, but I'm starting to get a little bored of your favorite books. If I have to read "Arthur Babysits" one more time I may shoot myself. I'm always trying to get you to read different books, but I guess you have a current list of favorites and that's all you want right now.

You are still a huge sesame street fan, which I love, but I also love how I can hear you counting with them, doing the alphabet with them, answering the questions posed to the audience. I even got you to get dressed the other day by getting you to pretend you were on Elmo's world and Dorothy the goldfish wanted to know how to get dressed. So you narrated the entire process to Dorothy and I couldn't be happier. "Dis is how I get dressed, Dortee. I put one foot in here-a, and den I put foot in here-a, and den I pull my pants up - Mommy I need help pees! See Dortee, dat's how I get my pants on!" Adorable. And it's a good thing, too, because there are time when I want to hang you upside down out the window by your itty bitty toenails because you can be so stubborn and strong willed (which I know is a phase because your friends are all going through it too at the same time, still, doesn't make it any easier to deal with 24/7). But then you come out with the sweetest and kindest thoughts about mommy and daddy and your friends and what you love and I just want to squeeze you as much as possible because I'm reminded what a blessing you are and just how much I love you.

Nothing much to say

2008-09-07T18:50:00.002-04:00

I have my period (cramps, headache, the usual), Jim is being an asshat, Natalie has been 2 and a half All Week Long, tomorrow is monday, I've got a mile of errands to do this week and no money to spend, and after the tropical fun of Hanna yesterday, I realized something very important: I do not own a raincoat. Haven't found one yet, but I did treat myself to some purple polka dotted rainboots from target. My reason was that I'll need them for co-op-ing as Natalie's teacher said they go out to play every single day and the playground has been re-graded twice but still has a mud issue in one corner. My kid will be the one to find that corner, so I might as well have boots with which to rescue her from it in. Does that sentance even make sense? Whatever. Must go make use of the quiet house - Jim actually agreed to stop whining about how we were out of diet dr. pepper and take the groccery list - AND THE TODDLER - and do a shop. Which means he'll be home soon with tons of things we don't need that weren't on the list, but at least we'll have milk and cheese and diet coke and I won't have had to drag a stubborn toddler with me to get it all.

Whew.

Scary but good

2008-09-03T08:28:00.002-04:00

I went to an OA meeting this past weekend. I think I've found what I need.

Odd

2008-08-28T09:13:00.002-04:00

I am actually looking forward to football season.

Growing up in a family with two parents who went to the University of Michigan, every single autumn saturday of my life was spent watching football and watching my parents scream at the TV. We always got to get take-out for lunch, which was a huge treat, usually hoagies or pizza from the local Italian place. And on sunday's mom would be attempting to conduct the church choir with absolutely no voice. Nice one, mom. Michigan fans are a unique bunch. I think ESPN was the reason we got cable back in the day, so they could watch games not being broadcast on network TV.

Now that I'm an adult, with a husband who went to a school with a halfway decent (most of the time) football team that is local and therefore broadcast on TV on the podunk UDC channels if not on national network or cable, I've sort of gotten back into it. Not that I actually care about the team, but there's something comfortable and familiar about watching football on a saturday in the fall. So much so, that I find myself a little bit excited that regular season play starts this weekend. I love the fall, so now that football is starting, school starting soon, it being cold and rainy today, all this combines to give me warm fuzzies, which are kind of nice for a thursday morning.

Joys of working from home #72

2008-08-25T10:12:00.003-04:00

I wrote half a 1200 word article while watching Sesame Street with Natalie. Now we're off to the gym and meeting a friend at their pool, where I will be expecting a business call that I'll probably have to return poolside. Not because I'm trying to be 'that girl' doing work at the pool, but because it's a timing issue and the stuff as to be taken care of by COB today. And thank God for cell phones, because it means I'm not stuck at home waiting for a call, or waiting for an email (although I could probably pay the extra fee to get web access on my phone, I just refuse to be that reachable). I'll probably finish up that article this afternoon during Natalie's nap and while watching a Law & Order re-run with my feet up and sipping ice tea. You can't do that in a cubicle.

Issues

2008-08-22T08:46:00.003-04:00

I swear sometimes, I am a complete head case. Last night Jim and I went out to the annual members meeting for Natalie's new school. Since it's a co-op, there's lots of info and parental involvement. And we love this place more and more every interaction we've had and this is all before she's even started there. So, lovely meeting, we even grabbed a quick dinner at the local chinese place beforehand, and Natalie was home with Jim's sister, our only close family in the area.

Let me get it out upfront that I think Jim's sister, A, is one of the most well meaning people in the world. But she and I couldn't be more different. One of the things that is gauranteed about her babysitting is that she'll straighten up. Sure, most of our babysitter's will clean up the messes that they and Natalie make, but that's kind of expected. I just don't like people touching my stuff to the degree A does. I'm one of those messy-yet-organized people. It may look like stacks of stuff, but things are actually sorted depending on category, where they have to go, that sort of thing. I also like to actually put away Natalie's toys, putting all the play food and kitchen items in her house, etc. It makes my skin crawl to come home and see that my house has been tidied*, that my kitchen is now spotless where before it was just clean, yet to find dishes in the wrong place in the dishwasher (if the bowls face the other direction from how she put them in, you can fit more - it's really not as anal retentive as it sounds). And Natalie's toys have all been shoved in her playhouse, which I find pointless, as there are things that belong in her room in there, and stuff piled up to the point where I just have to pull it all out and make another mess in approximately 2.4 seconds so that Natalie can get in there to play the next morning.

I know A means well, I know she's just trying to help, I know exactly where this annoyance of mine comes from (a live-in-grandmother who was always into our stuff and doing our chores for us which sounds find at first but as you get older and she's still doing it despite repeated requests not to, even a teenager can recognize the lack of respect for our family's boundaries in her actions). Still, how do you ask someone not to clean up when you know she's just doing it to be nice? I know I could ask as sweetly and kindly as possible, piling on the complements and thankful attitude for her willingness to help out. But this woman is also a champ at passive agressivity - and I'm a champion at feeling guilty. So I'll still end up feeling bad and she'll know just the right comments/body language/attitude to make me feel like I'm the most horrible and ungrateful person in the world.

As soon as she left, I found myself digging around to re-make my piles, or pulling stuff out of corners to actually put away instead of just being in hiding. And I cleaned the kitchen!! I swear it was clean, but it's like she heard us pull in the drive and quick used some fantastic as air freshener so it would smell all institutionally clean when we walked in the door. Now Jim thinks A cleaned and I had left the kitchen a mess for her knowing she would do it. Argh. The kicker about dealing with all this? Jim is totally unsupportive and tells me I should just suck it up and deal, that I'm being ungrateful. The way I figure it, her kindness, which wasn't asked for, ends up creating more work for me. Not to mention my own baggage of the situation. And I wouldn't say I'm ungrateful, it's just that I want me and my stuff to be left alone. At least it's good to know my therapist has an oposite opinion than that of Jim's.

*She did the same thing while we were in the hospital with Natalie...nice to come back to a clean house, but the baby whites that were in a laundry basket to be washed in Dreft had been folded and put away, so I had to dig them all out again to be washed. Bills that needed to be paid were now buried in a neat but hidden stack of mail and papers that had been on the dining room table. There were even little things like dishes in the wrong place in the kitchen from her kind-hearted efforts to empty the dishwasher. Sure, nice actions, but for a new mom recovering from a c-section and struggling to breastfeed? I really didn't need the extra work - I already felt like the world was trying to beat me down, I didn't need a sister-in-law's kind deeds to be a part of that, too.

Some thoughts about baby #2

2008-08-19T08:31:00.004-04:00

I found myself laying in bed the other night, trying to rearrange in my head the furniture in Natalie's room in such a way as to accomodate a 2nd child in there. Basically, I think the changing table has to go and we can do it, provided there is either a daybed with big draws a la Ikea's pretty white one, or bunk beds with ample room for under bed storage boxes. This whole nesting episode got me thinking, "Am I really ready to get pregnant again?" The first time around wasn't so great - although we did come out the other side with the greatest little girl ever. For all the reasons I can think of not to get pregnant again, I can think of a myriad of ways that certain situations would be better this time around.

Weight - I am at an unhealthy weight as it is right now, and getting pregnant at this weight would not be optimal. However...I see a psychologist who specializes in womens issues and would help work out a nutritial plan for me and would keep me accountable. And I know the first trimester, if anything like pregnancy #1, will be horrid, and I will only be able to stomach saltines and ginger ale and the occasional plain bagel, lest I eat anything more substantial (or flavorful) and just barf it up.

Depression - There were some VERY blue periods during PG#1, not to mention the lovely PPD afterwards. However...this time around, we know how I react to certain anti-depressant medications, so medicating during pregnancy might not be out of the question if things get bad. Plus my psychologist would be prepared for this, and my therapist, and I have such a good support group in my mommy friends, friends that I would not feel ashamed or nervous about asking for help during any dark times. And, tying back into weight, I would know not to self-medicate during the 3rd trimest with a nightly bowl of chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

Breastfeeding - Sucked the first 6 weeks of Natalie's life, so much so that I barely remember her during that time, only the constant struggle of nursing around the clock. Now I know I have low supply, and I know that the second #2 is out of me either vaginally or via c-section, she's going on my breast and staying there the entirety of our hospital stay. Not to mention feeding with an eye dropper or a nursing supplementer or whatever to keep the jaundice and sleepies away. And I'll have Marie, our local La Leche leader on speed dial, and I know she'd come visit in the hospital if I asked.

Exercise - I pooped out around month 4 and couldn't last more than 15 minutes to walk on the treadmill. Probably contributed to the 60lbs I gained. This time, I have a Y membership instead, and that means INDOOR POOL. I will haul my giant pregnant ass over there, drop Natalie off with the Bollywood loving child care ladies, and dunk myself in the pool with a kickboard, maybe even some flippers, and just kick back and forth in the water, giant belly all afloat, it may not be much, but it will burn some calories and feel great. That's during the winter. Once it's warm out, I can still drop Natalie off and go do the same thing in the outdoor pool.

Jim - The chance of Jim getting laid off from this job, one he's been at for 2 years now, are slim to none. The job he was at when Natalie was born laid him off when she was 7 weeks old and he had only been there 90 days. Cause of lay off was totally office politics started before he was hired. His current job is more normal, hard working intelligent people, and his bosses wouldn't lay someone off with out warning. And he'd be able to take a week or two off guilt free unlike last time, where he took a whole 3 days off and then was back to work at 75% for a week and full time the next week. Not a good thing to leave your PPD wife home alone during that time. He was also a clueless idiot. Now he's just clueless, having somewhat dropped the idiot part.

Probably the biggest challenge facing a second baby in our family would be finances. I don't know if I could keep up the amount of work I do (although I know I can type while breastfeeding). And if I could keep up, I don't know if I could do it without some sort of serious, once or twice a week scheduled help. I barely do it now with my sporadic once a week or once every two weeks help. But my therapist reminded me of last time, how Jim had taken this new, better paying, job, how I was trying to coordinate part-time from home work that wasn't working out, only to have Jim's job disappear, and to actually be thankful that I had a full time position I could go back to for 4 months in order to keep us from forclosing on our home or living only on ramen noodles. Then lo-and-behold, Jim gets a job even better by 10 times than the one he was laid off from, and my part-time from home proposal was approved with nary a question. This is because it was God's plan, and his plan was better than our plan. I think remembering that, and not trying to over plan financially and what not for #2 and just keeping it all in prayer to Him is the way to go. We are faithful Christians, we tithe, we pray, we believe - and part of that belief system is trusting that God takes care of his people. So why bother trying to over plan for everything and every possible scenario before fictional child #2 arrives? We'll make sure we have a little extra money in the savings account, get our leave time approved in advance, and have faith that God will be there to pull all the other little bits into place and that afterwards, we can look back and see his Hand in it all.

Afterall, this is all assuming we get pregnant again. Natalie was a fluke, we can't explain it, the doctors can't explain it. I have PCOS and yet I got pregnant without trying. I see my gyno in another month for my yearly and I'm going off birth control. I went on it because I was bleeding for weeks at a time 8 months post partum. So we'll see what happens. We'll do our part, and hope that if it's meant for us to have another child, God will somehow make sure that happens one way or another.

Peaceful weekend

2008-08-17T18:52:00.001-04:00

Choices

2008-08-12T09:42:00.001-04:00

I have some money coming my way for my first freelance graphics job...don't know how much it's going to be, though. It was my old old boss, who retired 2 years ago from government and took a position in the private sector. Now he's leaving that job to start his own consulting firm. He needed a logo, knew I was somewhat creative, and called me up. Happened the same week I had finally installed my Adobe software. So I didn't want to charge him an hourly rate because I knew it would take me way longer than someone who already knew the software, but I was also psyched because it was a great first project to do where I could learn a bit while I went. So, money coming, don't know how much.

However, I've narrowed my spending choices down to 3 things. This was after deciding I'm spending the money on something I want to spend it on and not just depositing the check in the general household fund like every other penny I earn. Choices are:

#1 - a new tat (been wanting a celtic cross - like the one in the stained glass at the front of our church where we were married - just above the inside of my left ankle. Not to mention that whole potential trying to concieve thing in the fall, which would mean 9 months + 2 years breastfeeding before I could get it)

#2 - new Doc Martan's. Yes, I still wear Docs. Got two pairs on overstock.com when I was pregnant of sizes large enough for my bloated and sore feet - black t-straps (cute!) and brown slides (super cute!). Wear them all winter. Come on! I went to high school at the height of grunge. It's in my blood. Not to mention wicked comfortable. Anyway, I've been really sad since Natalie's pregnancy that my classic 8-eye black boots no longer fit (I grew out of most of my shoes, which I gave away, thanks to my feet growing a whole size). Haven't been able to get rid of them yet, but I'm thinking I need to stop pretending (or trying to be what my husband thinks I should be?) I'm some sort of preppy grown-up who shops at banana republic kind of person and just by myself a new, bigger pair.

#3 - an Elsa Peretti for Tiffany's necklace for my mom. It's a sterling silver apple pendant on a silver chain. Mom collects apples. When she graduated college someone gave her a glass apple paperweight - an apple for a teacher. She's graduating this summer with her master's in music education (thesis and orals are over, just waiting for her diploma!), and this would be the PERFECT gift for the 6 years of hard work she's put in doing this degree while teaching full time, dealing with my asshat brother, and my ill grandparents (her in-laws). I'm so proud of her, I'd be happy to spend my money on this gift for her.

Now, to decide....

2 and 1/2

2008-08-11T10:13:00.008-04:00

Natalie, this past weekend you turned 2 and a half. Although you've been acting this age for a while now, it's wierd to think you are now closer to 3 than 2. So many changes are in store for you soon, most noteably school starting in a few weeks. Funny to call nursery school "school" since you'll only be there 4 hours a week, but still, it's school. You'll have a teacher and you'll learn things like how to behave in a group, how to play better with others, and we're really hoping your listening skills improve greatly since you pretty much ignore most anything I or your daddy say. We're kind of not sure how to handle that. I do know that if I make you look at me, you'll listen a little better, the problem is you know when you don't want to listen, you are really really good at avoiding eye contact at all costs.

As usual, your vocaublary and verbal skills leave most people astounded that you are only two and a half. You told me the other day "Mamma, I growing up be a big girl. I going to have big roo-roos like mommy!" Your latest saying is "I don't think so!" when you disagree with something. You are talking in paragraphs most of the time, and I find you babbling more now than in the recent past. I think this is because you know a LOT of words, yet you've realized there are still some words you don't know, so you make them up. It's definitely more pretend-words than nonsensical babbling. Regardless, it's adorable. Makes me want to just eat you up.

You've also discovered a love of diving. A while ago we happened to catch a snippet of olympic diving trials on tv. Since then, you'll run and leap into your paddling pool, or slide head first off the couch, and call it diving. With the olympics on now, we've been watching a fair amount (tough luck, kid, you come from a swimming family) and you will half heartedly glance up at the swimming or gymnastics and could care less about any sort of team sports, even beach volleyball, a sport played in one of your favorite substances on this planet. But as soon as we point out that diving is on, you stand transfixed, eyes wide, mouth open with corners curling up into a wide smile. Should we be worried that you are fascinated with the concept of throwing oneself off a high platform, doing a few flips and twists in the air and landing in the water? Probably. Instead, I guess we need to get that water safety down and start teaching you the difference between a tuck and a pike. I have no problem with you being a diver. It's like dancing or gymnastics, but without all the body image issues.

You still drive me crazy from time to time. Or 23 out of 24 hours a day. But those moments when we can just be, reading a story, playing together, sharing a meal - you continue to melt my heart even more than before. You are turning into such a smart, loving, caring little girl, it makes me so proud. I love you my sweet Natalie.

Games

2008-08-08T14:48:00.004-04:00

I have a soft spot in my heart for the Olympics. The last time they were around, opening ceremonies were on feb 10, 2006. "Wow, what a memory!" you're thinking. Actually, I remember that because I was in the hospital, with a barely 24 hour old little creature in my arms, delious from lack of sleep, a c-section, an overcrowded maternity ward burdened because of an impending snow storm, and the damn IV that they couldn't take out yet so I could shower. We watched the opening ceremonies, me from my bed propped up with pillows cuddling a teeny little Natalie, and Jim on the couch with a hospital blanket half asleep.

We watched a lot of those winter Olympics - I was feeding Natalie every 2 hours (combo of pumped breastmilk and formula) and pumping every 3. The next week I weened a newborn off a bottle (learned my lesson for fictional next time around) and now had what my friend Alice refers to as a boob-tick. So again, we found ourselves nursing for hours at a time, watching reruns of hot curling action or biathalon at 3am.

This time around, she's 2 and a half (officially, tomorrow). She's fascinated with divers and swimmers, and I'm sure she'll be mesmerized by the opening ceremonies, or at least ask us "why?" about everything. Just makes me feel kind of warm and fuzzy. If you think of the Olympics as a mile marker of sorts, we've come a long way from the last one.

Best words a mamma could hear:

2008-08-04T13:50:00.002-04:00

"Mamma, I tired. All that playing at Ikea make Natalie sleepy. I need go to bed now."

That, my friends, is a successful morning.

Wild and crazy

2008-08-03T23:41:00.002-04:00

Just got home from seeing the Black Crowes. Outdoor concert site, place was packed, awesome seats (42nd birthday present for my neighbor from her mom - how cool is her mom?!), gorgeous weather, fantastic dinner beforehand. Kind of nice to do something out of the ordinary, you know? Just get out with a good friend, talk, listen, jam, laugh, bond. A good night. Especially since Deb is I think the only person other than my therapist(s) who really understands what I'm going through because she's been there too. So when I say I feel like shit, she knows what that means and doesn't dwell.

And now I have to send that work email I meant to send all weekend because I had promised the info to people for their inboxes first thing on monday. Oops. Actually, I think I'll just draft it and hit send when I get up tomorrow morning.

Long week, long summer

2008-08-01T08:42:00.003-04:00

Is this heat ever going to end? We've been teased with thunderstorms so much, and not many have really come through. Even though I know in the grand scheme of things one thunderstorm at the end of a hot humid day is not really going to cool things off but more likely make things more humid and sticky instead, I still like they way the quiet down the day, cut out the noise of sun and heat, and bring about some peace. I find too much light or a too bright day/room to be "noisy." I don't know how else to describe it. Maybe that's yet another reason I'm addicted to mellow, mood-lit coffee shops. I think it's partially the blue eyes (I'm a whore for sunglasses - can't leave the house without them, even in winter), partially my state of mind. There so much swirlling around up there that crowding it with bright lights seems unnecessary.

I've really not been doing well lately. It seems like grandpa's death was a turning point of sorts. I was literally sick for 2 weeks afterwards from what we can only assume to have been stress and anxiety. And while I'm not nauseause or having daily headaches, my head and heart don't feel any better. I broke down last night, cried for the first time in I don't know how long. I was so angry and Jim, at myself, at the world. I wanted to throw things. Shoes, dishes, punches, whatever. I wanted to scream my head off. I wanted to go into my non-existant studio and put those emotions to canvas. Instead I ate half a bag of potato chips that I was stupid enough to buy at the groccery. Then Jim got all huffy because I didn't want to talk about it. More like I didn't know what to say. Maybe, Jim, instead of trying to therapize someone, just giving them a hug and letting them lead the way on talking might make you less of an asshat. Just a thought.

Today my eyes are puffy and aching. The unfortunate aftermath of a good cry. Otherwise I feel drained. I dread another hot summer morning with a toddler whose attention span is approximately 2.4 seconds and whose favorite activity is climbing on top of my head. I wish I could just park her in front of PBS all day with a hamsterwheel for exercise and one of those automatic dog bowl feeders full of goldfish crackers. I'd climb back into bed and try to feel normal. Instead, we'll probably haul off to the pool when Sesame Street is over and camp out for a few hours. I have no brain power right now to come up with anything else that will keep her occupied and prime her for actually taking an afternoon nap. If she doesn't nap? I will surely have a meltdown again.

Something to think about

2008-07-28T07:05:00.000-04:00

Interesting article in The Post today:

Deci's research into the counterproductive effects of threats and rewards has been replicated among high school students learning verbal skills, preschoolers trying to draw, and adults targeted by weight-loss, anti-smoking and traffic safety programs. In each case, external threats and rewards made it less likely that people would feel internally fired up about the goal.

So why are rewards and punishments employed so liberally?

"People like it because it is easy," Deci said. "It is easy to offer a reward, but it is not easy to help people find their own motivation."

Yet another family funeral

2008-07-24T08:50:00.006-04:00

R.I.P. Spike
1993 - 2008

Spike live in my mom's kitchen for 15 years. We got him because our neighbors daughter got what she was told were 2 girl rabbits, but 29 days later it was discovered that they were one of each and now they had 6 babies to find homes for. We got Spike and his brother, Raven, as they only found homes for 4 of the babies and we were a known rabbit family. Once they could be weened from their mother, Spike came to live in our kitchen and Raven became a "working rabbit" out back. This meant his hutch had a mesh bottom so his poops went into a pan underneath and mom collected them for her rose bushes. Spike was a working rabbit too, although litter box trained, and before going green was so hip, mom used all natural litter and would dump his box straight into our double barrell compost bin. Can you tell my mom has some of the best gardens in the neighborhood? Raven also learned to dump his food dish to entice wild rabbits to come visit, so it was quite the rabbit yard in more ways than one.

But back to the rabbits...You could hold them in one hand they were so little. Mom wanted to name them Fluffy and Snowball, but my dad, brother, and I refused. I started calling Fluffy Spike, and it stuck. I wanted to call the outdoor one Mud, as he was pure white and obviously with some angora in his little rabbit lineage. One of mom's sayings growing up was "If you do that again, your name is going to be MUD!" Anyway, dad nixed Mud as a name and came up with naming the white rabbit after a black bird. Yes, we have warped senses of humor.

Raven died a few years back at the ripe old age of 13, and Spike just kept on. He was always gentle having never known anything but kindness. He like bananas, which cracked Natalie up and she loved sharing a morning banana with Spike when we visited papa and grandma's house. When Spike was just a few years old, we had a carrin terrier and my grandmother (Busia) living with us. Carrin's are supposed to eat small rodents, but she didn't seem to mind Spike. Spike was also excellent with his litter box so he got to hop around the kitchen. Then he learned that Busia gave out treats, something the dog knew since she didn't get treats from our table. Next thing you know, there's the dog sneaking off in that way dogs sneak where they don't let their toenails clack on the tile floor, and there's Spike, sneaking off behind the dog, where Busia would give the dog puppy treats and the rabbit some cucumber. We would watch the whole thing quietly so as not to let on that we knew what was happening and would be in tears by the time they came scampering back. It was like having two naughty 4 year olds in the house.

Spike had mirrored grandpa lately - incontinence, falling over, inability to focus...but was still pretty chipper even when we were there last month. Tuesday he could move and didn't want to eat. The really telling sign that these were his last days was when the dog (now a bison frise) started to lick him in, not in that mmm-tasty-rabbit kind of way but in that somethings-not-right kind of way. She'd also lay by his cage and come check on him often. It was obvious he wasn't getting better, so mom took him to the vet yesterday, where a very curious vet wanted the chance to check out what extreme old age does to a rabbit, and it was decided he should be put to sleep. So rest in peace little Spike, up there in the big carrot patch in the sky.

Woohoo

2008-07-23T08:30:00.003-04:00

Thunderstorms today! Am I the only wierdo looking forward to a lovely afternoon inside, sitting on the couch watching a movie while crocheting a baby blanket (congratulations, Rachel!), listening to the rain and thunder, knowing my baby is going to be taking a looooong nap? Nap will be long today, I can feel it, because I've got the whole morning planned out - version A, B, and C depending on when the rain starts.

A - meet our co-op class at the park like usual and play as long as possible, then hit the Y for a workout;

B - go to the park, but rain starts before we can get a really good run around in, then hit the Y followed by a trip to Barnes & Noble to play on their train table in the kids section;

C - can't go to park, so we go to the Y, then mommy showers and we head over to the indoor toddler gym. This is the most expensive option, not because the $10 to go the the toddler gym is so much ($10 for my sanity? Yes please!), but because my friend told me the shoe store next door is having a huge sale. And there's a great toy store in that shopping center, the kind with lots of wooden toys and learning toys and books and the works. The kind that tempts me to spend way too much money.

(Someone just ran in and showed me how she can put all the marker caps on her fingers. Great. She's already discovered that you can do the same thing with olives.)

Speaking of books, anyone seen the story about "The Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business"? about a mole who wakes up to find someone has pooped on his head and he goes around trying to find out who did it? They even have a 'plop up' version out. I read this in French yesterday to my friend's 10week old at playgroup. I had seen the English version and it's just hysterical. Somehow poop in French is quite funny, too. Ty liked it, but then again, he's 10 weeks old and likes most anything if it involves cuddling and fun sounds.

My big freelance project of this summer is done. Not finalized done, just done enough that I sent in my final first draft, an invoice, and am waiting for comments so we can edit. Editing is much more painless than writing these sorts of things. But because this is done, I feel like I finally have some time on my hands guilt free to do some fun things. And I have enough money coming to me that we can really seriously start kitchen cabinet shopping.

***

Saying we're redoing the kitchen sounds so extravagent - visions of granite countertops and fancy lighting and tiled floors and such come to my mind. Really, we're fixing it up because in our worse-case-scenario-we-have-to-sell-the-house-in-this-crummy-market format of home repairs, we couldn't sell this house with the kitchen the way it is. The cabinets are half stripped (As far as I got before getting pregnant), no doors, and even if they weren't, they came with the house covered in about 6 layers of paint (I did the stripping, so I know this as a fact - including on some, a layer of WALLPAPER), and were covered with flower decals. Yeah. Made me shiver too.

Our plan is to install cabinets on the wall that has nothing (currently a chefs shelf overflowing with stuff), including a countertop and a shelf to raise the microwave off the countertop. Then replace the cabinets that are only along one wall with cabinets that go all the way to the ceiling, and better maximize the space. This also includes knocking down three walls of sheetrock that are covered floor to almost ceiling with ugly bathroom tiles. The cabinets will be new, we'll have to pay a contractor to install, and we'll spend the extra on our electritian to put an extra outlet or two up (only have one free one to use and half of it has the phone plugged into it), to move the garbage disposal switch from inside a cabinet to something more normal, like over the sink, and to wire up an exhaust hood for the stove (yeah, don't have one of those) as well as some undercounter lights (I could take it or leave it, but Jim really wants these). That's it. We're going to use the same sink (probably need a new facuet just because ours is falling apart), and stock countertops from home depot. Anything is better than the stained ones we have with the faint tiki-pattern on them circa 1960s. Then a touch up of the light pale yellow paint we put up last year and we'll be 10x better in no time.

THEN, sometime next year or the year after, the fun happens. Ok, new cabinets are going to be pretty cool. We'll splurge on cool counter tops, some fun tile for a backsplash (recycled glass is my first choice at this point), an undermount sink, and maybe if the budget allows, a proper tile floor instead of the vinyl tile we put down last summer as a quick but sturdy fix. The nice thing about a small kitchen? You can splurge on some of the fancy things simply because you only need about 5 feet plus 2 feet of counter top. Being in DC, we can probably find some 2nds or returns that can be cut down to fit. And maybe we'll go with a neutral backsplash but do a strip of funky mosaic. Anyway, that's for another freelance project, and hopefully one that is way more fun than the past two I've worked on.

Yikes

2008-07-22T08:28:00.000-04:00

Got my hair cut. Love it. However, it is short enough in the back that I now get bedhead like a little boy.

Longing

2008-07-21T07:57:00.002-04:00

I am dreaming of sock weather. Firstly, my poor feet are getting so beat up and dry and calloused by wearing sandals all day everyday. Second, when it's cool enough to wear socks, it's not going to be so hot as to keep us inside every afternoon. Not to mention that socks make me happy, I have a whole drawer full of argyles and stripes and florals and woolly ones that Jim makes fun of. He has no sense of creativity, he just has brown, black, and white in his sock drawer. I can't even get him to wear a classic neutral argyle. In my opinion, he's the wierdo, not me. Mmm...it's been scorching lately, and the thought of wearing jeans, a t-shirt, socks, and shoes seems dreamy. In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep praying for some serious thunderstorms to come through and cool everything off. Almost got one last night, but damn it, it disipated by the time it reached us and we just got a little drizzle.

To die for peach pie

2008-07-16T23:06:00.003-04:00

Crust:
2 cups ground whole oats and 1/2 cup ground almonds(I use the coffee bean grinder to pulverize them into a nice powder), 1 stick of butter, softened. Use a fork or pastry blender to mix till pea sized lumps form. Press most of the mixture (you'll need the rest later) into a pie plate (Bottom and sides). Bake at 350 for 15 minutes. Cool.

Filling:
1 and 1/2 packages cream cheese (softened), 1 egg, 1 pkg vanilla sugar free pudding mix, 1/4 cup milk. Use electric mixer to whip these all together till nice and smooth. Smear into pie crust.

Peaches:
3-4 fresh peaches, sliced thin. Arrange slices in a pretty pattern of your choice on top of the cream cheese filling.

Topping:
1/4 cup whole oats, 1 tsp vanilla, sprinkle of cinnamon and nutmeg, 1/4 cup agave (nectar of the gods). Combine with the rest of the pie crust mixture till crumbly. Optional: 1-2 tbsps brown sugar (I find brown sugar to give such a nice bit of carmel flavoring to toppings that agave doesn't, so I cheat and use a smidge sometimes). Sprinkle over top of peaches. Bake in 350 oven for 25 minutes, till top is just brown. Let cool, serve straight from the fridge.

This was absolutely delish, and my non-sugar-watching friends didn't realize it was practically a health food! Best compliment ever, in my opinion. We will be making this again. The crust feels almost graham crackery, the inside is like cheese cake, and then the peaches and crumble are so yum.

Losing it

2008-07-15T21:47:00.006-04:00

I had written a long post and decided not to post it. To sum up: Natalie is driving me up a wall, something to do with being 2, being smart, devious, cute, and stubborn all at once. Add in me, with depression that's been kicking my ass the past month, and you have a recipe for one stressed out mamma who is ready to throw in the towel. I feel like I'm just barely managing to keep things together, between toddler wrangling, work, and trying to keep the cleanliness level of the house just above the point where vermin would start to move in. One of the biggest annoyances of the smallest family member is her insistance that I not do anything that doesn't involve her. She can be playing by herself, but she's got a 6th sense for when mamma opens a book ever so quietly and FWOMP! There's a monkey hanging on me like I'm her own personal jungle gym.

So I went to the craft store tonight in a fit of desperation and combed through my odds and ends to creat Mamma's Sanity Box. It contains all matter of things from pipe cleaners to scraps of wrapping paper, pom-poms, glue sticks, stickers, safety sisscors, to bits of ribbon, feathers, and odd buttons. Throw in some construction paper and a few old magazines and it's an afternoon of fun. It's stuff that I can have her doing and walk away from knowing that I'm not going to come back and find my curtains have been colored in (already happened, and when crayola says "washable" they aren't kidding - curtains are back to white with nary a hint of wrong doing). Hopefully, she can be busy and I can just sit and read a book for a little break. That's all I want. Or to check my work email - not really "do" work, just check email and reply back quickly if needed. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to go to the bathroom. ALONE. Although it is kind of nice being told "Wow, mamma! Good job doin' poopies in da potty! Natalie flush fors you."

Randomness

2008-07-14T09:26:00.002-04:00

So I learned a new word today: Epistemology = the study of knowledge, best summed up by the questions "What is knowledge?" I can buy that, epistles are books, books are for learning, epistemology is the study of knowledge. Makes sense. Also sounds like one of those philosophy classes in college that would have produced much forehead banging against a brick wall by yours truly.

Anyway, my life is much more pedestrian than to sit around contemplating the existance of knowledge. Instead, our playgroup discussions have gotten way lively lately, with two pregnant women and one who recently popped out #2. The two preggos are in that erotic dream stage of pregnancy, and they like to share. Deb has had sime interesting encounters with our old tennant in hers, Sylvia's are mostly ex boyfriends who show up in her shower or back yard or other inappropriate places. No lesbian dreams yet, but Alice said she had a few of those when she was pregnant. You can tell I consider each of these women a best friend, because this is definitely conversation fodder that would not appear in chats with most of my other friends. You gotta love a friend you can talk about sex with. Thank God for la leche league, too. Total fluke that we all ended up at the same meetings - there are others in the area, but we all went to this one and that's how we met, and here we are 2 and a half years later, still hanging out. We just need to hang out more sans kids and with alcohol more often, LOL!

Here's a dilemna I'm having - say you hooked up with an old friend on facebook or myspace or something. You guys had kind of lost touch in college, mostly because she turned flakey thanks to a large dosage of pot she started smoking on a fairly regular basis. Then graduation came, she moved home and you moved to another state and you that was the end. Then, because she has a totally unique name, you find each other later. Both in commited relationships, with jobs and a mortgage. Yay! It's been fun catching up, we picked up like we left off many years ago. Now another person you were friends with in high school finds this other friend with the unique name. Now unique name friend recommends you be a friend with this other friend. This other friend is one I stopped talking to sophmore year because she went from shy, quiet, hard worker to sorostitute who only slept with the kappa sig guys, as if that was somehow ok? Here I was rowing crew, working, and with an insane course load, yet she wasn't shy about telling me I was boring, bland, and beige. Thanks, "friend." I could care less about this person who turned what was a good friendship into something that made me feel like shit and I was happy to be rid of her from my life. Now, do I acknowledge her on this networking site? Try to start something that hasn't existed for 10 years? Wait for her to acknowledge me? Do this stupid junior high-esque dance for ages? The three of us were all so close - we did everything together in high school. We would hop on a greyhound to visit in the begining of college when we were all sans cars. I don't know. This is one of those downsides to the internet I think. In past generations, I wouldn't know how to find her unless we somehow stumbled upon each other in the street. Whatever. I can't let this stress me out.

I've got work to do this week, and what was a relatively empty calendar is filling up fast. My hour of sesame is almost up and we're off to the Y. Then, I don't know. I'm hoping last weeks napping strike was just a phase, because I was a wreck. I'm not ready to give up those hours of downtime (and work time). Fingers crossed the wee beasty sleeps today!

2 years, 5 months

2008-07-10T08:46:00.005-04:00

Natalie, yesterday you turned almost 2.5 years old. I would have written about this milestone, except you decided you didn't need a nap yesterday. I'm worried that this is the start of a trend, but the upside would mean you will be forced to bed at 7pm instead of 9. And you keep talking about getting a big girl bed, which frightens the shit out of me. The thought of you roaming the house at 2am, alone, and with a head full of ideas for getting into trouble? Good thing I'm already an insomniac because I'd turn into one for sure.

So instead of writing about you yesterday, I'm writing about you today. But really I'm just stalling, as I should be doing work I couldn't do yesterday while you were not napping. You are parked in front of your morning hour of PBS, time I usually spend on chores and getting myself ready for the day (all 5 minutes it takes to take of pajamas and throw on shorts and a t-shirt and pull bed head hair into a ponytail). Today, I should be spending the time catching up on work, which I'm woefully behind on, and too tired to care.

However, we do have friends coming over in a bit to sit in lawn chairs in our shady back yard while you and other toddlers splash together in the paddling pool. That will be fun. Provided I usher everyone out back and tell them to not mind the atomic disaster that is the inside of the house.

Finally

2008-07-08T08:19:00.004-04:00

We got our economic stimulus check yesterday, FINALLY. Totally my fault, I had screwed up our taxes and inverted a number on our bank account for direct deposit so we got put on the check mailing list, which for these checks was done by social security number, and Jim's starts with a high number, putting us in one of the last groups of checks to be mailed. Nice. Oh well, it's here.

I was wondering if we promised to stimulate the economy more, would they send us another? Most of this one has already been put into the dreadful US economy, thank-you-very-much-new-tennant-and-Jim's-manic-urges-to-fix-up-the-basement-even-more; I'd be happy to support, say, a local window installation company to replace the two cold war era windows in the basement...

And, for your viewing pleasure, a video, which we will show potential boyfriends in approximately 13.5 more years:

A little better

2008-07-05T12:41:00.002-04:00

Happy fourth of July! It's dreary, wet, and humid out here. We did BBQ but ended up eating and playing inside at our neighbors. 5 toddlers, 2 babies, and 11 grownups. Crazy, yes. Crazier still was a huge branch on the tree accross the street coming down. Craziest was some neighborhood hippies we don't know coming out with axes to chop it up and get it out of the road. Much amuzement for the 2 year old set. After dripping most of yesterday, it's a repeat today. Overcast, wet, ick. So Jim and Natalie went to Ikea while I'm home, attempting to get some order into my life.

#1 - I'm not pregnant. I kind of didn't think I was, but 5 days of nausea and headaches, and not to go into to much detail, but lets just say timing was exactly on par as compared to the weeks before finding out I was pregnant with Natalie. So I thought it would be best to pee on a stick to make sure.

#2 - Still haven't grieved for grandpa. My friend offered to come over with a sad movie to get things started (either that or get me drunk - hahahaha). But somehow addressing it as something I need to do helps. Kind of allows me to compartmentalize that and push it to one side for later. I also know "later" really needs to be "soon."

#3 - Since I'm not pregnant, the headaches and nauseau and insomnia and general malaise have got to be because I'm stressed out of my gourd. Not sure how to deal with that other than checking myself into a spa for 3 days, but I think I may declare tomorrow a mental health day and pack up and head for the coffee shop for most of the afternoon. A long sit with a book, ipod, journal, crossword, coffee, or just staring into space may be in order. It's at least someplace to start and is a hell of a lot cheaper than 3 days at a spa.

#4 - Our new tenant is a med student in the military and is off on her first rotation in some other military hospital. This means we won't see her till mid-august. Which means I think I'm going to haul my sewing stuff down stairs and set up in her living room for a while and just go at it.

A funny thing

2008-07-03T08:14:00.002-04:00

There was a short viewing before grandpa's funeral. I think viewings are a little creepy, but whatev. Grandma wanted one so there. Mom, dad, and my uncle were all looking at grandpa there in the lovely tasteful casket and couln't put their finger on what was wrong. "He seems kind of pale," said mom. "We're just used to him with more age spots and I think they smoothed those out with some make up," said my dad.

Long pause.

"THEY SHAVED HIS MOUSTACHE," realized my uncle.

Oh shit. That's like Magnum PI shaving his moustache, or santa clause with out the beard. Grandpa was fiercely proud of his whiskers - claiming they were virgin growth, never been shaved, and he made it all those years with it in the navy because it was blond and he just kept it really short. Regardless, none of us, not even grandma, his wife of 62 years had EVER seen his upper lip. In those last days and weeks, shaving him wasn't a priority of the nurses and hospice workers who were attending to every other of his needs with kindness and caring like nothing we'd seen before. So he got a little scruffy. When he passed and was collected by the funeral home, dad and my uncle found a picture to give them so they could prepare his body for the viewing. We figure the moustache wasn't that obvious in the picture and nobody thought to mention it, so the funeral home, doing their best, made him all nice and clean shaven.

It really is quite funny, as I'm sure grandpa was up there, slinging a few not-so-appropriate-for-heaven words around as he looked down and saw his moustache gone. Over his dead body was the only way we'd ever get to see that upper lip. I guess it came true.

Post-funeral writings...

2008-07-02T14:14:00.001-04:00

It is not socially acceptable to bring a grieving family a fifth of vodka after the death of someone close to their hearts. Neither would it be acceptable to bring them a bottle of percocet. Yet the most universally acceptable thing to do for a grieving family after sending flowers is to bring food. Casseroles, cakes, cookies, pies, fried chicken, pasta salad, roast beef, lasagna, it goes on and on.

Some people drown their sorrows in a bottle; others retreat to the pleasures of pharmaceuticals, legal or not.. In those situations, people are encouraged to seek help, to get counseling, to go to rehab (ironic? Amy Winehouse just came on my ipod…). I’ve seen it happen with a friend who never truly grieved for her mother. A year after losing her to breast cancer, my friend discovered her mom’s old painkillers. Shortly after, she found herself trying to buy vicoden online from Mexico and fortunately realized she had a problem. Thankfully the only victim of her short-lived addiction was the front of her car and an ill placed light post.

Yet here we are, not even a week out from losing the patriarch of our family, my 90-year-old grandfather, an outstanding man, a pillar of the church, a wicked sense of humor, all gone, his company never to be enjoyed on this earth again. My parent’s fridge is overflowing with food. Unbelievable amounts, all home cooked, all delicious. And this is only half of what we’ve been given, we left the rest with my grandmother and uncle. I’ve been eating my way through my grief. No one tells me to stop except my mom, who is stuffing her face just as much as I am. Hard to listen to someone who can talk the talk but not walk the walk.

Growing up, my mom made a point of never rewarding us with food, of never using food as a comfort. “You fell and skinned your knee? Sorry, no cookies, but how about we take some time to cuddle and read a few extra stories before bed.” Mom’s fierce attitude about this stemmed from her mother, the child of Polish immigrants, in a house where money was scarce, growing up during the depression. This grandma then married a Polish immigrant and lived in a Slavic neighborhood of Detroit. Somehow all these combined created a woman who raised her daughter, my mother to turn to food to soothe and comfort what ailed her. Probably didn’t help that their apartment was above a Russian bakery, too.

My mom is not the only person to grow up like this. I think a lot of ethnic cultures encourage you to eat, eat, eat when things aren’t going well. “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” comes to mind. Before traveling home for grandpa’s funeral, my Jewish neighbor brought over a pizza to share for dinner. In her words, “We’re Jews. When people die, we bring food.” In Judaism there is the whole sitting shiva thing, a concept I can get into. It is a socially recognized ritual among those of that faith, where the family sits around at home for a set period of time and people come to visit, pay their respects, and bring food.

Us Protestants don’t really do that. And as evangelicals, we are firm in our beliefs that grandpa is in heaven with God, able to rejoice in His eternal presence and glory, blah blah blah. So really, the grief is only skin deep in some regards. Yet all this food is from other Christians. None to my knowledge come from any sort of ethnic background like my mom. What are we to do? Turn away their kindness, knowing that they are bestowing edibles on us out of the goodness of the hearts and their honest and true want to help alleviate our pain? Do you put in the obituary that in lieu of flowers people are to send money to a certain charity, and in lieu of food to donate to a certain soup kitchen? Or only bring sugar free and low fat recipes? Yeah…no.

It’s hard to be an emotional eater. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who can cook healthy meals, stock the fridge with fruits and vegetables, only keep whole grains in the house, and drink at least eight glasses of water a day. Yet when life gets me down, the next thing I know my car is steering itself through the Arby’s drive through and a jamocha shake and some curly fries are suddenly next to me and I can’t not shove them in my mouth fast enough.

I could probably write excellent and encouraging words telling others how to find different ways to soothe troubled minds and alleviate the pain that life sends along, but it’s so much easier said than done. Temptation is all around us, and the devil is there to make sure your friend brings fresh baked chocolate cookies to Bible study the same day you got some really rotten news at work. And of course she’s one of those skinny people, the kind who claim to not like sweets but love to bake regardless. Bitches.

“Why, God?” I find myself praying, “Why did you give me a sweet tooth and a slow metabolism and a pre-disposition for type II diabetes? Why do I struggle with my sluggish thyroid and hormones that haven’t ever worked correctly and have been worse since giving birth? Why haven’t I been able to learn to cope in some other way than with food?” God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. It’s true; it’s in the Bible somewhere. I wonder how much more He has in store for me, because my waistbands aren’t going to make it much longer.

Back to where we started. Death is hard, Christian or not. Food is an easy and universally acceptable show of friendship in tough times. I’m guilty of that, too. People have a baby or someone is ill, I’m right there with the rest signing up to bring dinner one night. Yet even when cooking for others, I find myself unable to bring something “traditional” – I cook for others like I cook for myself and my family: low carbs, extra veggies, no sugar, no fat. No one has complained yet that maybe I should be taken off that list of people willing to cook in times if crisis.

I’m not angry at these people through whose kindness have kept meal prep to a bare minimum the last few days. I’m angry with myself for not having self-control. I’m angry at society for not seeing addiction to food as a real problem. The only reason I can think of for that is because you need food to survive – you don’t need alcohol or drugs to survive no matter how much your neighborhood wino tries to convince you otherwise.

I’m angry that admitting you are an emotional eater and need a 12 step program is somehow shameful and shows a lack of character, yet admitting to a soft spot for schnapps comes off more like it wasn’t your fault, the drink made you do it. I’ve considered drowning those painful moments of life in gin and tonics instead of Ben and Jerry’s, but I think my husband would notice that. He never goes in the freezer, so that pint hidden in the back under the frozen snow peas is my little secret. Again, eating in secret? Another big red flag that I have a problem. If ice cream made you slur your words and occasionally black out, maybe it would be more recognized and accepted as something you are dealing with that is beyond your control.

I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do. How do you rid yourself of a problem you’ve had for as long as you can remember, one that has only gotten worse as you’ve come to take note of your habits more, at the urging of your therapists. Yes, therapists. Two. Three if we start marriage counseling in the near future, but that’s for another time.

I suppose the only thing I can do, the only thing I have faith in is prayer. Humble as it is, I can pray for God to give me the strength to get through this, to take away these temptations, to heal my soul so that I’m not running to the kitchen every time I find myself up against a wall. I don’t expect some magical transformation to occur, I don’t even know if I can believe that God will really change my life, my body, and my mind. But I do know He’s there to hold me up, and I guess that’s not so bad a place to start. However…if He can make the whole world in 7 days, why can’t He have made broccoli full of fat and calories and chocolate be the healthy choice instead?

Home

2008-06-30T23:04:00.001-04:00

Good to be back, good to have the chance to spend extra time with my family. Good to have time away from Jim, good to sleep in my own bed tonight.

Many thoughts; much writing went on sans internet, so perhaps I'll post some musings there. I ache in so many ways right now. I don't think I've grieved for grandpa yet, I didn't really cry at the funeral, but I also didn't make eye contact with...oh, anybody. Did a lot of counting ceiling tiles, or trees in the cemetary, anything to not acknowldge the fact that I was in front of my grandfather's casket. I know, my coping mechanisms suck.

For now, bedtime. I checked work email and know what's on my plate for tomorrow. Meet with my boss and her boss on wednesday. Now that the funeral and travel is behind us, I'm a little freaked about that. Eek.

And now for something completely different

2008-06-24T19:51:00.001-04:00

I went medieval on the house this weekend with Jim gone. Then grandpa died and I had to rethink what I could and couldn't do. Nixed one project that required painting outside (ok, two projects now that I think about it) since it's supposed to rain tonight through tuesday. But, my sister-in-law did come over to help me move furniture which is always fun. I decided that the cedar trunk under Natalie's changing table was a waste of space. It contains Jim's army crap, old papers, stuff I know he cares about but hasn't looked at since he threw a few things out before we wedged the trunk under there, where it has resided for the past 2.5 years. So that stuff is going in a bin in the basement, the trunk to the living room, and the toys that feel like they are spilling out all over the place in the living room will move to under Natalie's changing table. I'm going to make a few fabric bags for blocks and such, and get another big bin or two to keep them in. The trunk which will now be in the living room is perfect for spare blankets, magazines, things you might actually like to have in your living room if you didn't have toddler crap everywhere instead.

Sister-in-law also helped move a giant metal cabinet out of the storage area. Jim is going to be PISSED that we put it out on the patio, but I say all the more reason to borrow that pickup truck again and head out to the dump one more time. It bugs me so much how he just piled things back there, yet we had a closet under the stairs full of bins of our college archives and stuff mom made you take when you moved out 10 years ago that you aren't sure what to do with. Why are big, square, stackable things in hiding when all this crap is hodge-podged out in the open? And to discover shelves with empty shelves on the bottom because too much stuff had been piled in front? Amazing! I got all the odd shaped things into the closet, with stuff we won't look at till it's time to move out of this house way in the back, and things we use up front. Had to clean 30 years of dust off the floors and tiled walls - it looked like that area of tiles were a different color, actually, it was that much grime. Had to MOP THE WALLS. Ew. Then I re-arranged, re-stacked, and when we get back to town next week, I'm going to string up a curtain (wire + cheap ikea bedsheets + drapery clips) to section off that side of the laundry room, since the laundry room is also our tenant's kitchenette. Can't believe little nail holes in the basement ceiling bothered Jim when there was a crap heap taller than me in our tenant's kitchen. Freak.

I feel so sneaky waiting till he's out of town to do all this, but he just doesn't deal with processes. He can't comprehend the details and make decisions on the fly, he has a hard time seeing the big picture (he's a total P on the Myers-Brigg thing). He would freak out if he came last night and saw what the house looked like. Which is why I waited to do this till he was gone and I had a few days. Sister-in-law totally agrees. He'll see the final product, be AMAZED at how much more efficient things are, how much more tidy they look, etc., and he'll get over the way I went about doing it. Not without a few cringes first, but I can handle that. I hope. The upstairs is almost back together...I'll do the rest when Natalie is asleep.

* * * * * *

I've got a babysitter coming tomorrow, Natalie and I are going to hit the road around 1pm (nap time!). Babysitter will be a huge help, keeping Na happy, busy, and out of my way so I can pack, wrap up some work things (I'm taking all the writing I have to do with me - thank God for thumb drives and parents with at least a few extra computers or laptops laying around), and finish cleaning. I want the house to be spotless, or close to it. I want to have trash out, diswasher filled and running, laundry put away, the bed made, floors vacuumed, all that. Sure, it may be a little anal retentive, but coming home on sunday or monday to a nice, peaceful, clean house? Fantastic.

Jim's flight gets in at 12:30 am on thursday morning, so he's going to stay at his coworkers house (not weird, she's married with teenagers), and leave from there first thing after rush hour on thursday. That way he can get a decent night's sleep, and have a 45min start up 95 from DC towards Philly. I have to pack dress clothes and a few other things for him, too, and we'll just wash his convention clothes at my parents later. With two cars, we'll send him back early because I know he's going to be fried and need cave time before going to work on monday. That means Natalie and I will stay probably till monday afternoon. Why not? My uncle and brother will be up, so might as well maximize the time spent with them. The only good thing about the funeral being on thursday (did I mention that? Grandma refused to do saturday even though it worked better for everyone), is that we get to go to my friend's daughters 2nd birthday party on saturday. Yay! She's pregnant again (friend, not the 2 year old), and when she gives birth sometime in early october, she'll have 4 under the age of 4. I must remember to get her a pack of condoms and a pregnancy test for a push present.

My parents are going to give us gas money since we are kind of stuck taking two cars. They are also going to pay a girl from church to babysit Natalie during the service and graveside. The ladies at papa and grandma's church are doing a luncheon after all that, which will be at the church, so we don't even have to take Natalie to the graveside, which she would see as a big place to run around with things to climb on. It's all falling into place. I'm holding together fine, but I'm sure I'll lose when we get there.

So, I won't be around here till next week sometime, at which point this will all be behind me, including my work and deadlines, and I have a babysitter two days next week: one to go downtown and meet with my boss and her boss about my boss's departure, and the other day to do nothing. But to do it in my favorite coffee shop with a good book. That is going to be a well deserved break.